Funny we both don’t celebrate this day but if you look at the email this morning I guess we have.

I stopped writing here for a very good reason that I couldn’t express verbally to you.

You know better than most I work hard to not over analyze things. I feel like when I start writing here it triggers the self sabotaging ways.

I’m working really hard but in many ways failing. I’m not going there with this post.

Thank you for the reminder of the recent years past.

Funny to think there was a time that fetgirl and FGD were happy.

Sadly heading to a meeting

Sending a hug


My original title was Merry F’ing Christmas, but I thought that would give the impression that I was not in a good space mentally.

This is year 5 of a new tradition, waking up alone on Christmas morning. I know that sounds like a sad thing, but it’s not.Ever since I could remember I always woke up around 5am. Yeah, I was that kid, who turned into that adult. I never lost the hope of magic that Santa had come and left me my dreams under the tree. That gave my mother a short window of time that my excitement would allow sleep. As an adult, I still do the same thing. Its been decades since I’ve woken to presents in the tangible sense. We started exchanging gifts after everyone left on the eve when I was 20. Yet the need to open my eyes, so very early has never gone away. Today is no different, up and with the pups, lit the tree, had some coffee, laid down and started to think about where I am in life.

No Sir, not in the overthinking way.

This year was hard. I can’t deny that. Work is a disaster, but it’s not for lack of effort. My new job is just a no win kind of position, but it pays well. For the first time in years I’ll start the year off with 2 vacations already booked and mostly paid for. I don’t worry that the rent has to be paid or if the train stops running, can I afford an uber. I even realized if I was to loose my job, it would take a full six months before I’d be up shits creek. So I’m thankful for my shitty-stressful job.

As for my relationships, I’m grateful for them too. I once put it out there to the universe what I most wanted and when the time was right, I was given it.

Sir, I miss you. Neither of us are the people we were three years ago. Most of that change is for the good.  The parts that aren’t are a blog for another day. Our relationship started as D/s, but now it’s something much different out of necessity. You’re my best friend and the rest of the stuff doesn’t matter in the long run.

From the beginning you encouraged me to find a like minded girl. I din’t understand that. If I was so much to you, why would you want me to bond with another person. Maybe you didn’t, maybe it was the kink. I don’t know, but I guess this year I was ready. That’s also a blog for another time.

N and FGD are still doing there dance. They have something great, that one day might just make for a happy ending. By far my most successful match making to date.

Merry Christmas


I know I don’t write here much anymore. It’s mostly because I started living.

I’d always say 90% of my life is lived in my head and it was fear that held me back.

I guess I’ve gotten over that. I still am scared, but I think it has to do with Sir getting sick. Now I live or I try to.

Work is a much bigger mister and a bigger monetary reward. In some ways that let’s me do more.

I met a girl that helps. I’m not as ashamed of my sexuality as I was.

I still spend my time with Sir and I think through out calls he knows that I care and want him to recover.

I guess that’s it in a nut shell, I’m still here, just busy living.

3 years

And a day late….

We’ve been through so much, it seem like longer than 3 years.

We still celebrate every Tuesday but on the year I reflect back on some of the ways I used to have. I  wonder if you do the same? Not saying that you were a sad girl with her wine, but have you changed…

For the first time ever, I’m ok with me. Things could be better, but inside I’m alright.

I miss you, but I know you are under so much stress with family and your health. So I will wait. We are talking now and it’s just going to be a waiting game to see if our next visit is possible. It’s not easy, but it’s what you do for those you care deeply about.

In the spirit of waiting, I’ve been edging. Thought you would like that. Physically I’ve noticed a change. I’m just not as wet as I used to be and that’s ok too. I know it’s from the surgery and won’t change. Luckily there’s lube.

Still holding your hand. Happy anniversary.


The yoga “scene”

I took 6 classes this weekend, but nothing will beat the first one.

It looked vanilla enough. A deep practice with singing bowls. No one would have thought this would end up with the need for aftercare.

It was a normal practice and then the teacher explains that what we were about to do could be stopped at any moment, just put your legs straight and you arms over your head. She warned of tears or hysterical laughter. It was a method used in regression therapy and also trauma treatment yoga.

Through sound and movement the entire class submitted. There were three movements, first easy enough, butterfly position and lay back, then lift your hips, I’m thinking ok, no big deal, the keep your feet on the ground and lift your knees a couple of inches and the body starts shaking, then a few more and it was like being aught in the hardest orgasm, think convolutions. The shaking was more intense than anything I’ve experienced to date. Half of the class tapped out, I stayed as long as the teacher allowed crying like a baby. After I was gone, I don’t recall the rest of the class. It’s something I want to try again but it will not become part of my practice as my body is still a little sore.

My other classes were good, but nothing can beat the first one.

Just so I can remember:

The next class was a really hard fast vinyasa, with a dj and great male teacher.

A tea meditation. The girl was soooooo pretentious I wanted to die and pee at the same time.


It was odd, we started with restorative, I wish that would have been the last class, but oh well.

After that was a class taught by a master teacher, super hard and my knee went out. That was a combo of the rain and my ego. I know in my head that hops in a practice are not a good thing and I have to do a flow to keep the patella from sliding to the left. I let my ego get in the way, plus it was cold and raining.

I recovered for the last class, a Rahda class, super playful and full of laughs, stories and love.

After that the mother and I left the mountain and drove back to reality until next year.

Silly side note- further proof crazy lady is a sadist. This past Wednesday two new woman were in the class. One casually mentions something about her not demoing, but calling the class. She hears this and I internally say “ohFUCK”. She then gives a lecture about how we do yoga for her pleasure. That teaching a yoga class is like going to the theater and we are the performers. Our movements give her such great joy that is she was doing them she would not be able to take pleasure in watching us. HA! So my practice is for her pleasure, not mine. God is she a sadist.

Something I want

I don’t know if I can have it….

Honestly it’s tied into my want of having a child. It’s the need to have something that’s yours. Something you don’t want to share. Sonething selfish that you can be selfless to.

You see I share a lot. I share sir with his need to be with family. I share N with FGD and her family. I share, I’m good at it for the most part, keeping my jealousy in check.

I met someone that I don’t want to share. Well that’s not 100 percent right. I don’t care that she may have other lovers or dynamics, I just don’t want to share her with mine. Is that wrong?

I get a feeling of freedom with her that is different from others I’ve been with. It could be something as simple as she’s a lesbian so the thought of public affection has zero connotation of …. incorrectness. I, yes me, the proper and reserved one grabbed her on the street and kissed her. We walked had in hand laughing and proud.

I don’t know how to process that yet, but I lived in the moment and it’s great. I don’t want to overthink it, but I am and will. That’s me. 

Sir, this is different, but good.

She knows about you but not the orgasm control. I told her that you are fine with me having female partners without you and that’s true. At least I think, but I am battling my want to keep her as mine. 

It’s like that mommy domme that’s only cone out a couple of times is raging inside of me. So please know if we do play and I don’t call it’s not because I’m a bad girl, it’s because I think I won’t need to. I don’t orgasm I’m top space and that’s what I feel with her. 

Goodbye stress

About 7 months ago the bride and I brought tickets to a yoga weekend. We joked thay she could be very pregnant by then, but it didnt matter,  we’d go anyway. 

So today I wake up with the sun, no work phone, limited cell service, on a room with a very pregnant women in the other bed, I guess the bride will soon be known as the mother.

Funny how some pregnancies get to me, but not hers. 

It really could not have come at a better time, both of us stressed to the point of melt down. Each of us for very different reasons.

Let’s go back to thursday. I told my office I’ll be offline until monday morning. Thats actually a really big deal at my new level. I told l I’d be offline too, since he’s a big source of unnecessary stress. 

I hit the vitamin store for protein drinks and brought this drink to promote relaxation by raising dopamine levels.

Friday we left in the afternoon and took a three hour drive north, leaving nyc summer behind and driving straight into winter. A quick clothing change and off to dinner. It sucked, but it was food and after a week long virus, I would have eaten anything. 

Back at the Inn by 730 because there is literally nothing to do here, like nothing at all. We chat and I decide to drink have the stress free drink, not even 10 minutes later I am dead to the world.

Waking up like a Disney princess as the sunrises, off to day one of the event.


I often wonder why I picked this life?

There were other choice I could gave made, maybe worse, maybe more genuine.

I’ve been put down for almost 3 days by an office plague and that gives me too much time. Time for way too much tv, too much thinking.

I’ve chosen a life of hiding. It’s what I do and what I’m good at.

Some show I’m watching a lesbian power couple is discussing hiding parts of themselves and that got my brain going. 

I don’t know why I choose the traditional route. Sometimes I believe it’s so I can have dirty little secrets to keep. 

The problem is, after years of this…it feels like no one really knows you, including, you.

The noise and How FUCKING dare you

I didn’t want to go out. I went anyway.

I don’t play so that I don’t drop. It’s really just that simple. FGD and N haven’t been going out either, but with he news of her imminent imprisonment to her house, we decided to go.

It had been six months since I’ve done anything kinky. Yes, six months of vanilla, 3 months of celibacy. Hell I can’t even recall the last time I had PIV sex. People wonder why I’m such a fucking joy to be around. My head is thunder. The noise was deafening. It built slowly and I didn’t realize the volume it got to until it went away. Think of living in a state of a panic attack for months at a time. That’s where I was.

I didn’t play because of Sir and then when I thought maybe it would be ok too, I was too dangerous. I was the sub that would put the top at risk. I would have no limits. I explained this to FGD and for a year now, he has been my only impact partner. He too was going through shit and his kink took a back seat to his emotional turmoil.

So we go to what used to be our “home” event. It was a theme party and the majority of the usual crowd was not there. That was a good and bad thing. We went just to see the host and hostess, amazingly still together after a year that would have ripped apart most couples. We chat and say hi to the few we know, talk to a few we don’t and in walks one of FGD’s ex’s. FUCK. N and I liked her. We say hello, but his look is nothing but uncomfortable. Turns out the entire time we were absent from the scene, she wasn’t. Funny that we were the ones that took her there, but never realized maybe she would keep going. Somehow I was the one to deal with the fallout from this.

So back to the event. I was not playing. There was a guy that makes me laugh with fire that rsvpd, but didn’t show. That was going to be my release. Oh well. I then had to decide, I knew something was wrong and if I didn’t let it go soon, all hell would break loose. I tell FGD I think I’ll play. He chatted with Sir. It was the shortest scene I have ever had. The end game was not to orgasm, not to put on a show, it was to regain some mental stability. Within minutes the tears came and seconds later the uncontrollable laughter. I still get a kick out of how weirded out people get by that. When someone is beating you with a fire-hose and the response is to laugh like you were told the best joke ever. He saw that and stopped, big hugs and the noise was gone. Just like that a switch in my head was triggered.

He had a scene with N, short as well and then he turned and said, let’s go. It was just after midnight. I knew he was not feeling it with the ex being there and hell N was going home with him, so why not leave. Again, I go home alone. Always do, very FUCKING alone.

I’ve been putting Sir though some crap and this is the reason why. I’ve even thought of bringing up the idea of poly to him. A way for us to keep us, but for me to not be so alone. Girls don’t work out for me and it’s in big part because I need things that a female relationship just can’t support. Tangible things he is just not able to provide.

But I’m going off topic. A cute side note. This event was a very strict dress code and that means many people sharing clothes just to get in the door. We are in the smoking room and there a guy there that the hostess is talking to. At first I don’t even see he’s wearing a dress, it’s not fem or anything. She points it out and I say something like I had one like that. She says yeah, it’s yours! He looked much better in it than I did. I brought it and it was too small, then by the time I thought to try it again, it was too big. We talked a few, nice enough guy. He worked for a not for profit and somehow ended up with Chanel sway. I did his eye makeup and in return for that and I’m guessing the third party dress, ended up with some brand new eye-shadow, new, still in the box.

Prior to me leaving the house I was texting with L. He went into douchebag mode. All pissed that I was going out without him. He’s said many time he won’t go out in NYC anymore and I have no interest in traveling 4 hours for an event. The conversation didn’t go well.

So I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear from him in the morning. Something said to ask Sir if he had. Turns out that motherfucker sent him this big long message of how afraid he was for my mental health and etc. Whatever was in that message caused Sir to call him. He went on how I’m working to much and he’s afraid I’m heading down the path to a break down…..no, you silly bastard, you were pissed I went out with other friends and decided to try to cause drama in my life. Sir told him that I was truly busy at work and that contact with me would be limited. I said fuck him I’m not going to talk to him for a while.

I woke up this morning and changed my mind. L has a game where he does this shit and then blames the other person for being a shitty friend and in his mind he becomes the wounded one. Not me you DICK. Now I’m going to be nice as pie. I’m not letting him make me out to be the villain.

That was the first WTF. The second came in the novel long texts I received from FGD’S ex. In short I need to have a good long talk with him about her. She is a nice enough person but I don’t think he knows that he either really hurt her or she has a few screws loose. Either way he needs to deal with it because if his past relationship taught me anything it’s that I do not want to be caught in the middle. There’s a reason why people choose sides.

Yesterday during dealing with the drama, I cooked, cleaned, groomed the dogs, slept until one in the afternoon and enjoyed the silence in my head. There was one point that I had stopped for a moment and the emptiness scared the shit out of me. You see the silence comes with a really bad side effect. I become empty, devoid of most human emotions. In that moment I didn’t care about the crazy girl so emotional over seeing her ex or the friend caring in such a fucked up way as to try to damage my relationship. All I felt was utter abandonment and detachment from every human on the earth.

Today the noise is coming back. The anger over L started last night. Normal bad things, that maybe aren’t so bad after all.