I’m nervous, not almost puking nervous but close.

This will be my first trip to a dungeon.

I’m dressed like a nice normal woman from the city. Sirs bag full of leather items and such. The cab due to arrive in 20 minutes.

I trust him, I just have to keep saying that.

Last night we met a couple from sls. She was cute in a small town way. He was immature. We had drinks looked for something to do, tried a strip club then a party, no fun to be had at either place.

K(the female) is a former ballet dancer and we will hopefully be going to burlesque classes together.

Even still I’m nervous.


Well this is not a list of firsts but a conversation I had with sir last night.

We were sitting at the table, all warm and cozy and we had just gotten back from our walk.

His first bdsm relationship was when he was 19, she was 29 and from France. She lived with an older dominate man before moving to the states.

He said that they went to a frat party one night and she was fickle,bratty. When they left she asked him to spank her, it would make her feel better. She knew she was not being nice but couldn’t reason why. Sir did that, put her over her knee and spanked her, that’s when he realized it made his cock hard.

It meant so much that he shared that story with me. I don’t think I ever told him the whole first story of mine, since I’m better with words I guess I’ll write it.

I was 16. My best friend was a guy, call him j. He loved me, I had a really bad habit of fucking my friends (male and female). So one night, just out of a crappy break up I decide to sleep with him, but he was such a puppy dog following at my heels j asked him if I could do whatever I wanted. He said of course. So I got out some rope and stockings, put in some sexy music and gave him a lap dance, during the dance I tied him up, hands, ankles, lastly as I dropped my panties I tied the stocking around his eyes. I gave him the best blowjob he ever had with my hands wrapped around him throat. Never letting him finish in my mouth making him cum all over himself.

So yup my first experience I was the dominate one. Problem was I didn’t know about aftercare, only the kink. We continued like that for a almost 2 years on and off. Never what i saw as a relationship, just sex, he saw it differently. I always told him we were nothing more than friends with benefits but as a submissive man he developed feelings, I didn’t.
I kept it going because I enjoyed it, not needed it as I do now.
I started to see someone else and didn’t take the time to end it with him gently. That was 2 days before graduation he found out I was seeing someone and we wouldn’t play anymore. He disappeared, we searched for him up until an hour before graduation. He showed for the ceremony. He was camped out in the woods, tried to kill himself but couldn’t, he was worried about the guilt it would leave me with.

So in short, I’m a horrible dominate!
But with the x-m even though we did not have any physical interactions until I was 20, when we were together I was his complete emotional sub from the time I was 14.
I didn’t realize it then. I knew I needed some kind of bdsm to keep my interest, I just choose the wrong side the first time.
After 20 years I’m finally discovering the real me, no guilt, just joy in my complete submission to sir.

I am his happy slave.

**something I just remembered I had given j a leather journal, he wrote all of my likes, commands and documented our every encounter. Lol guess if it wasn’t the early 90’s he would have been a blogger too!!

Missing sir….

Sitting at work, wishing I could be home cuddled in him arms.

Yesterday sir said when I get home to have my collar on and strip at the door , walk over to the table and bend over so that I could be used.

This command had me wet and excited all day! I rushed home from work so tired, but so happy that he was there waiting for me.

He was coming out of the shower and told me up on his chair, kneeling, ass out hugging the back. Then I heard the whip. It took everything in me not to scream out and cum. He gave me such beautiful welts that I find myself touching all morning. Then on my knees, clover clamps on for the first time. The pain was amazing, hands behind my back, sirs cock in my slave mouth hole, I can cum when he does, I love the taste of sir, the feel of him cuming in my mouth, using my tongue to remove every ounce of it after he comes, keeping his cock warm in my mouth and the moans he makes when I please him. He pulled the clovers off and I came so hard but my orgasm was second to his, I received more joy from his release into my mouth than my own.
Sir got my warm sweater and sat in his chair so I could crawl up and cuddle on the floor with my head in his lap, telling me what a good girl I’ve been. He knows I like that the most. Just to know I made him happy.

When I came back from my slave space we shared food and drink and even though I was so tired I just glowed from the inside being around him.
He had a few calls to make, one to his friend b. We sent him a picture of me with the clovers on and a note saying I was done being used, was it ok to call? It was really a cute picture! So sir spoke with b and made me cum with him on speaker. Again collapsed on the floor, sir knowing how I love a good pain orgasm.
When he was finished with his calls we sat down and chatted about our plans for the new year, some possible people we would meet up with tonight and he showed me how to use my new laptop and all of the wonderful security features he installed for me. It’s moments like that when he is so caring and I give him a soft kiss on the cheek that mean so much to me, it’s better than any orgasm to just be with him in the moment. The sharing of a good conversation and the knowledge that he cares for me.

We finalized plans and it was decided we would attend a house party on nye. The party is complete with a dungeon, another first and another thing I am excited about. I would normally be nervous, but with sir there I know I will be safe.

We had dinner, went for a walk. I was able to show him some of the buildings I love near my house. It’s nice that we share an appreciation of architecture. I never thought that the bdsm and vanilla could combine so effortlessly.

When we got home it was time to cuddle on the couch, in minutes I was fast asleep. I had meant to take only a small nap knowing sirs likes a midnight snack and we discussed what I would make earlier.
He woke me, I don’t know when to go to sleep. I crawled into bed and cuddled into sir again, forgetting about making the snack.
Sir woke me up twisting my nipple, It felt so very good. I said I was sorry and I really am. I love making food for him because he always lets me know how much he likes it. Many people would never understand how much I get out of pleasing him in the little ways. Sir knows pain is not a real way to punish me. I offered to get up and make him anything he wanted, but he knew I was not used to his hours and exhausted from Sunday’s adventure. I went back to sleep with my sir, not wanting to get up this morning and almost running late for work again today(but still getting here early)
Tomorrow I get to work from home and will set up my laptop on the bedside table and will cuddle with sir all morning!!! Nothing could make me happier!
As I wrote that last word sir texted, he was up….I called anyway, not to wake him, just to hear his voice and tell him I really don’t want to be at work right now.

Holiday surprises

I’ve been thinking all morning how to write this. I can’t outline it in my head. Too many spacey moments. But I’m going to try, I don’t think I will be able to capture all of my feelings in words, but here is goes-

Yesterday-part 2

Random thought-does miss manners have a chapter on the day after etiquette? Should I send a fruit basket or something?

Back story-I have so many fantasies, always have. Until sir I’ve made none of them a reality. X-m only cared about his fantasies and before that I just didn’t have the nerve. That’s not to say I wasn’t wild when I was young, I was, fetish parties, 3 somes, other girls, even a foursome, maybe 2. It’s weird, they were never planned, just sort of happened. Never my fantasy but more someone else’s I stumbled into.
So I was online looking at profiles and came across one for a dominate couple (male and female) it seemed genuine, real. I told sir and sent them a message. We spoke briefly and I gave them his number. I knew they had been in contact and that excited and frightened me(just a little good fear).
After that I told sir that I never thought of the possibilities before of being the only submissive/slave with that many stronger personalities. The idea of having 3 people whip me was playing over and over.
So yesterday as we were walking to his friends place I asked “should I take my collar off” when he said no, I knew that he had a surprise for me.
At the apartment door he went in his bag and took out a blindfold. I was nervous and wet. He said to trust him and I do. He lead me in, I obeyed. My clothes taken off, all except the sincher and boots. I was told to bend over, spread my legs, I could feel other people in the room, moving about. Someone came behind me, sir was there, telling me I was there, much of the time holding my hand. Just from the way my cunt hole was entered I knew it was a woman. She fucked me and I think I was allowed to cum. I’d like to document every orgasm but at approx 50-60, that’s not possible.
There was so much sensual touching, playing with my neck fingers arms, pulling my hair, I was a good slave, I obeyed. There was pain, such good pain, flogging, vampire gloves, 9tails. At one point I was on a stool, kneeling, ass up, bent over, holding sir, blow after blow, he said cum, every good strike, cum, I did. I could close my eyes and cum again just thinking about that. Him holding me, someone else giving the pain so that I could let him feel my reaction.
At one point I totally left, my mind was so gone, I thought I was going to pass out. This morning I remembered sir holding me in one of these states, I think he was checking my pulse. There were stops for water, care and cuddles. Truly sane play, a scene planned out by them, for me, for sirs enjoyment. I enjoyed every moment.
Lady tied me up, the rope around my arms back and tits amazing, feeling it flow through my fingers when removed beyond sensual.
Lady’s partner is called master, I still cringe when I see, hear and type that word. It’s no disrespect but I still react to that title. He was personably, respectful and nothing like x/m.
There was wax and ice, wax pealed off with a butter knife. My whole body was nothing but feeling, no thoughts, no lists, no insecurities, no brain puzzles, just touch, hard soft at one point so many hands, it felt so good.
I begged, pleaded, screamed to let sir allow me to cum.
At one point something was done with my clit, holding sir, I begged to cum, he said no, tea, that’s all I thought, tea, Lipton, earl grey etc. I fought it off, the only brain distraction I could think was tea. Sir asked me once to read him my tea selection to calm him down. That’s where my slave mind went. When he did allow my orgasm it was strong bone shaking, more than worth my tea selection. He still won’t tell me what that was, I had the blindfold on the whole time.
Then there was the yoga pose. The picture is amazing, sadly I can’t post it for privacy reasons.Legs spread, flogged hard, by this point they were more comfortable with my need for pain, seeing that I am sirs pain/cum slut. Hands held over head, clothes pins on my nipples, coming so hard. Sir and m pulling clothes pins up down around and then sir said cum when they pull them off, I did hard. Not sure but at one point sir had to cover my mouth I was screaming from good pain and pleasure.
There was so much. I really don’t know it all.
I pleased lady, kisses to her boots, soft wet kisses to her inner thighs, she said how wet I made her, asked if I wanted a taste, yes, she touched her cunt and gave me her finger, it had been so long, I’d forgotten what another woman tasted like, she allowed me to lick, so long since I did that. Then she had me cuddle into her, wrapping me in a blanket, then sir took me, so warm, so familiar, strong. I’m sure I left out some things, so I may go back to update this later.
I wish I could explain how sir being there made me…….allowed me…. I don’t know the words, but I woke up today with no guilt about enjoying this experience. Old me would have. Old me would have shut down, hated herself, starved herself, giving herself bad pain, overthinking ever action, instead of writing it, getting pleasure, wet, dripping.
Sir said its another first that will bring us closer, allow us to mesh even further and it is. It’s nothing you could imagine until you do it. I know sir enjoyed my pain, my orgasms for him. I know by the way he cared for me, kept control, set my limits for me. I really have no limits once I get to a certain point and with the wrong people I get hurt badly.
I know he likes the slut I’ve become, he’s told me it’s ok to be a good slut and I am, his good slut.
Sir stood me up at the end. Took off the blindfold, held on to me as I was not to steady on my feet. Asked me if I needed anything, I said wine please sir. We all chatted, I saw all the toys that were used, putting some to the sensations I felt, not recalling others. We went out, had a small bite to eat, it was so nice to be part of an open bdsm discussion. Aside from sir I have no one to talk to that really understands with out some judgement (even if they don’t mean it).
At one point walking I got a severe sharp pain. I forgot about those, I would get them when I was young, it feels like my uterus contracting. It passes and is only bad because it is unexpected. A friend once told me it’s because I cum too hard. I tense and spasm too much and when the afterglow passes it’s my body unclenching , it’s when I officially stop orgasming. The end of a long roll that I’m used to functioning through. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m good, mentally and physically, well except I went to get up before and I feel like I spent 10 hours at the gym. My work husband looked at me and said what yoga?? I giggled and said yes, and that’s not a total lie!!
Thank you sir, my trust in you is complete, I know I am yours and you keep me safe and you gave me a wonderful gift yesterday.

Music- the music playing was very similar to what I was playing the night sir and I met.
The one thing I remembered was at one point humming mazzy star, I don’t know what song or if it was audible or in my head.

I left there happy, I woke up happy because I was in sirs arms.


lol, going to work today and my coat smells of sex and bagels! How very ny.

There are too many thoughts in my head so I may skip around.

This morning I didn’t want to get up. I was all warm and cuddled up to sir. He made such happy noises(little moans) all night(3hours). I decided instead of sleeping I would do yoga Nedra. It’s akin to a self induced slave state. A deep meditation where your mind is on the cusp of awareness but your body is totally at peace. I’ve tried this before but it never worked. This is because I needed the security of sir with me, he …… Allows me and encourages me to reach my potential and then push beyond it. So after a physically active 19 hour day I’m sitting at my desk aware, alert and feeling amazing, with 3cups of coffee, just in case!

Yesterday: semi-non kink run down
Sir got stuck in traffic coming in, I met him as directed, collar old nipple clamps boats, pencil skirt, button up sweater, waist cincher.
Another first biggest hug, pull on the clamps, kiss and cum when he pulled then off all the middle of a large commuting crowd. I excused my self to the bathroom, small squirt of excitement.
We walked to meet his friends that were staying in the city, stopping to get a bottle of wine on the way.
We met his friends(separate post).
After we hand in hand walk up to Rockefeller center, took pictures of the windows on 5ave. Warm caring, playing tourists in a city we know and love.
Then we went to saint Patrick’s, I was kinda worried the building would collapse on my head as I entered, but it didn’t. I’m always in awe of the ceiling, even with all of the scaffolding it’s beautiful, massive but warm. Sir unlike me is not a lapsed catholic, he prayed, lite a candle, we signed the guest book. I love that juxtaposition. He is truly a good man.
Then we went to the tree. I feel bad that we didn’t go the main way to get the head on view, but sneaked up the side(I had enough of the crowds by then). It was by far the nicest Christmas trip.
We went back picked up the luggage, said thank you and goodnight and headed home.
Sir had gifts for me and I for him. We exchanged. He is so thoughtful, things that were me, necessary extravagances(i will soon be typing on an actual keyboard again). I gave him a roll of yarn! He thought it was a scarf we discussed I could make, but I wanted to be sure it was exactly right, so then I showed him the garbage bag size of different yarns I brought, just in case. It’s already started as he choose the one I thought he would. Also a extremely well glued together food basket. Just little things that made me think of him. I wish I could have done more, but I’ll show him how much I care by my actions. He means the world to me.
After I made him tea and crackers, cheese, soup, hot bread, either before or after(my time lines always blur) he told me what a good girl I was and bent me over the slave station, took off his belt, my ass in the air, he gave me the pain I so desperately need. The past week there was no plug training as he wanted me tight, he missed that pain scream then moan as he entered my slave hole. He tied the belt around my neck and told me to get his cock out. On my knees, lick, suck, but I had spent so much time on my knees earlier, I wouldn’t have been able to stay long. He lifted me up, told me bend over and wait.He said no for play just entered hard, tits on the cold wood, it hurt, it was a good full hurt, I screamed and cried, real tears, finally being able to loose that last bit of control to him. It was very hard, the hardest yet to not cum. He said cum when I do, and I’m a good girl so I did, I came long and hard, my cunt juices dripping down my leg, stayed their for a few minutes, then remembering food(so I guess it was before or during prep) continued to serve him. The combination of serving him food, slave hole, conversation, feelings, thoughts, everything I am, dream and desire is what I give to sir and in return he cares, protects and really considers me. He is like no other.
I am lucky to be his.
I am his slave.
We say together again at the table. Such warm conversation and candlelight, music. I didn’t want to go to bed, but at 2 am I know I have to.

A short back rub. I love to strattle his leg edging the whole time I rub, just the sounds of his pleasure allowing my body to respond.
We cuddled up in bed, warm, cozy, sweet kisses, hugs, I love to press my whole body into him. To breathe him in.
Woke him this morning just to share a moment before I left for work, brought him juice, got back in bed for a precious last 5 minutes for cuddles. I am now closer to sir than I ever thought possible. Ever new experience shared with him bonds us further. It ripped at my soul to leave him this morning, but I know when I get home he will be there. As soon as I walk in the door, coat off, collar on, stockings off, bent over the table holding myself open wide, my first of many services I will offer to him tonight.
Time to go and wake him.
More on yesterday later…….

Oh this was playing on the bus to work. I love this song, it made me cry, happy tears.

Good morning

Damn I over slept!

Sir is coming in today and I’m as giddy as a girl!!!
My clothes all laid out, time table set, last minute things to prepare.
We will be meeting in the city, he has an adventure planned and I’m beyond excited. Not nervous at all since he will be with me.
I will feel him, touch him, smell him and be …… Complete again.

Last night was fun.
Didn’t go as we had planned, but it opened the door to future possibilities. I forget how weird it is to try to discuss sex with vanilla people. It’s not as easy as “hey I’d love for you to fist me” can you speak with my owner? (Giggles).

I was so happy that I obeyed sir, but upset with myself that it was not a complete success. The important thing was that he was proud of me. I got to sleep with my chain on all snug and tight. It always leads to the best nights sleep when he can’t be near me.

So type a brain time, my list won’t complete itself!!


Laying on the floor ice on my clit, 12 edges with a binder clip.
Slave state.
Brain so nervous, meeting new people tonight. Worried I would not have the nerve to do this.
Sir reminded me I am not doing this. He is, I just his slave obeying. I need that reminder. I don’t nothing but obey sirs wishes, I am his good girl.
The ice is gone, the cold air from the window edging my clit again.
I’m not nervous
I’m …… A good girl 2:56pm

My brain has returned. It’s amazing how sir turns someone that writes business documents for a living into……well what you see above! Lol, I do love that state only he can take me to. Fyi I was in the middle of cleaning my apartment when that happened. Finally done!-4:04pm


Oh sir, this mornings edges are glorious. I’m gaining much more control. I can bring my self to that edge in seconds but I’m starting to be able to hold myself there for minutes at a time. No orgasm just a rolling edge. Just my body prepping for you. My mind is numb and foggy. I feel a little electric like pulse traveling through my entire body.

Sadly I have to get up and be productive, even though I just want to lay here naked all day destroying my previous record.

But I’m not doing bad @142. I am going to say we can move that goal from 200 to 300.

Love Story

A beautiful story.


I have found myself with some time on my hands, so I have decided to use it wisely.

To tell a story.

Way, way back in the day (I refuse to tell you how long ago) I published my smut on an erotic stories website. I was basically cutting my teeth on the whole writing to share with people business and I found this website easy to use and nicely populated.

So, I posted there for awhile. A few one-offs. A serial or two (that I should really pick-up again now that my skills have improved slightly). Your standard smut. Non D/s smut. Anyway, the site had an internal messaging system. Members and authors could leave comments on the stories both publicly and privately. I received a few now and then, mostly public comments from site members. A few private ones from other authors. It was a pretty respectful community. So…

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