I’ve been reading all of the blogs I follow and the tags I post to.

It got me to thinking about what the whole allure of bdsm means to me, why it is so necessary.

Let’s try and dissect…..

The kink- sex is easy
Especially for a girl/woman
Even when my self esteem was super low, I knew if I wanted sex it was easy enough to get an interested partner.
But when the time is taken to really set a scene, plan out and visualize every little detail, the anticipation alone could result in a bone shattering orgasm. And when you have a partner that puts in an equal amount of effort and work into it…….everything just works.
There was a time not long ago that I was ……cold . Dead, no sex drive, no desire to be touched, bone dry to the point of physical pain.
It wasn’t until I decided to start watching porn again and started thinking of my youth that the daily obsessive self inflicted orgasms started. This was just prior to the x-m.
I was amazed that it was that simple the need for just some visual kink to make my body start working.

The pain-I now know that my body will react to pain in the same way as pleasure. A sweet touch and a hard crack of a whip will make me equally aroused. That was a hard thing for my brain to come to terms with. I cum from pain alone. I know there’s more to it….it’s also the praise after. I know I’ll be taken care of and that my need and love of pain is appreciated and approved of, never shamed. It make so many things so much easier.

The bondage-my brain and body sees it as a warm hug, it produces an immediate slave space. A physical act that triggers both a physical and mental change. Not to mention a great nights sleep!

The mental D/s relationship- this is the best part for me. I’ve had a crappy one and it’s like anything else, there’s good and bad relationships. When you find a good one it feeds you from the inside out. It builds you up, you stand taller, talk braver, do things you could never do with out the support of a strong dominate. I am in my career and vanilla relationships in charge, confident, never letting anyone no the doubts I carry with me. In my relationship with sir I tell him everything, he is my air. He has taken the time and put in the effort to make me trust him in all things. That is what you never get from vanilla. You never get that spiritual connection. You never get that trust to give everything you are to another person. He knows me and is respectful, cares for me, most times more than I could ever care for myself. That is what I know has been missing in my prior relationships, not the pain, the kink, the orgasms but ……. The communication and trust.
That is something most people will never understand. It’s a beautiful thing.

I am his slave.
I am his pain slut.
I am his cum slut.
He makes me happy.
I am cared for and respected.
He is my sir.
I will do anything he tells me because I trust him above anyone else.
I am his, owned completely.

Enough dissection for today.

Back to “normal”

So just like thanksgiving and black Friday, yesterday I was blah, off, numb, machine like and devoid of most feelings.

Turned out sir was blah to. We have a routine that we enjoy. I had horrible insomnia, now sir tucks me in and I sleep solid, securely. Then I wake up and I see texts or emails. I know he thinks of me, I respond in kind, first thing every morning. Then I write to him through the day, emails blogs texts, so he always knows what I am thinking. So our communication is kept wide open. No secrets. He dies the same. I love to hear his voice and we are getting really good with the “short” phone calls(but I never want them to end).

Yesterday was the first day that routine was broken. We were so busy, little time alone.

Sir did beat me to the 6pm one month anniversary call. That meant so much.

It’s funny, to most vanilla couples yesterday would have been considered a day of good communication, but not to us.

We agreed at around 9pm there was no one thing that lead to the blah mood, just a bunch of little things. Snowball effect.

Waking up this morning looking and seeing my email with the command- no more blah!!! And I was happy. A list of tasks, such sweet words of endearment as we will see each other in just days(would be more specific but I don’t know the schedule yet;).

I long to be in his arms, on his lap, him petting my hair, telling me “good girl”, no kink, just emotion, mutual affection, security in the fact that I am his, I am owned, I am his slave.



A bit of a detour from my normal blogging, but a necessary topic for my brain today.

My previous blog had much more music, less visuals. Something I noticed this morning.

I am that girl with the music blasting in her ears. My mind works so constant and fast that to function on one task I have to quiet it.

Growing up there was music, every hour of the day. I wake up with songs in my head. There is a soundtrack to my dreams. Every mood made more by the addition of the right song. I will listen to most every genre of music.

Having said that I’ve become obsessed with Ingrid Michaelson. It started one morning on the way to work in the city. Pandora on mixing a bunch of stations in a rather blah dead inside mood. The song below came on. I thought wow, bet she’s been standing right here, on this boat, dreaming of a different life. As I did everyday.

At work I looked her up and sure enough we come from the same crappy little island. Then I started listening more. Building an image in my head of her. Since everyone that lives here is only one degree of separation one of my family members knows her parents and I almost want to ask for an introduction to see if I’m right.

The song of renewed hope and taking control of my life again was featured in a prior post. It described my exact feelings in that moment.

And not too secretly I think we may just be wired the same way.

Lol and look sir, she happens to be a cute red head now!

Merry Christmas?

I’m out of sorts today.

It’s not that I don’t like the holidays because I really used to.

I woke up so alone, the first time ever on Christmas morning. It’s not the lack of presents or tree. I grew up dirt poor so there were a few years that we had no gifts, but we had each other.

Worse is when I get upset it shows. I hurt, my stomach is upset, bloated and swollen.

I just don’t feel well.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be sitting here with my family either.

I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s just everything.

Enough of my complaining.

A new state of mind

I have just came back from a totally new and different slave state and I don’t want to loose these thoughts.

There was much build up to this discovery- more on that later.

Sir rewarded me well for my obedience tonight. I was so dripping wet when I got home he let me have the binder clip on my clit, then 2 fingers in my cunt hole, then how wet was I? Could I get 4, yes, then five, the twist twist, sir says I can come, counts back from 10. At one I cum. I fall right into a new state. He asks is the blanket near me. Yes it is. But I don’t need it. I’m not huddled, shaking. I’m spread eagle, mouth open eyes rolled back. No brain at all, paralyzed. When j snap out of it, it was like a rubber band. I went to full alert. My cunt hole is still throbbing wanting more.

My whole body tingles, my mind is sharp as a tack.
Another first checked off the list. There were a few of those tonight.


I’m so bored.

The combination of the rain and emotions of the last couple of days just makes me wish I was in sirs arms. The feeling of complete trust and security.

I miss my collar and cuffs. Being naked and serving him. Having wonderful conversation at the table. It’s funny how these images make my cunt wetter than the kinky ones.

I miss him. Truly miss him, his smell, his laugh, his warm smile.

I should have enough distractions with the holidays coming, but that’s when I miss him the most. When I’m surrounded by people and only want to be with him.

Happy slave

Such a bad day turned into such a good night thanks to sir. I messaged with a girl I really like L. She is very like me. I could really see becoming great friends with her.

I had a call with another woman C. She told me all about her SLS experiences and some of the clubs her and her husband go to. She cute and extremely outgoing. We both got so wrapped up in our conversations that we burned the food we were cooking!! Too bad she’s extremely vanilla, but seems like she’d be fun to dance with.

Lastly I found what seems to be a decent D/s couple. Within an hour there were emails phone numbers, voice calls and picture. This make me very nervous and excited.

The best part sir was so pleased I got pain as my reward. Clamps nipples and clit, kneeling next to his chair. Talking to him. I told him what My brain would recall about my conversation with R. We spoke about my outfit to come and meet him. He commanded me to pull all 3 chains off with no orgasm. I did, I was so nervous, I come hard from just the pain. Sir is training me so well.

What I enjoyed most about our conversation is that of all of these people he wants me to meet with L the most. He likes the idea that she is so much like me. I know he hears in my voice how much I enjoy speaking with her.

I know my orgasms are not mine. I also know that sir likes when I’m happy and right now I truly am..

I’m also tired! Oh and dripping wet!

Such a bad morning

Last nights sleep was horrible and the site I woke up to this morning was horrifying!!

It took all morning to clean up.
One of my animals almost died. Long story I never want to relive.

Thankfully sir knows me. He knows how to make me feel better.

Slave on her knees, suction dildo on the wall, pretending it’s sirs cock. Pictures to sir. Plug in my slave hole, dildo on the wall, fucking my holes hard, full, all feelings no thinking.

The whip, I hear it, soon I’ll feel it again. I cum every-time I heard a good crack, begging sir, please whip me.

Closing my eyes seeing the welts.

Big heavy chain through my slit holding them both in, walking, pants and jacket on standing out side, feels so cold and so full.

Over the slave station fucking myself hard, one in the other out over and over. Wanting to cum for sir. Such a good full orgasm.

One more week.

Then I get to crawl up on sirs lap, used, shaking, thanking sir, begging sir for more. Getting that all important “good girl” sir knowing I will do anything for him, I am his.

I’m learning

… What I want
…what I need
…who I want in my life

These things are hard for me. I just spoke with a really nice woman, she feels much like me, except she’s not lucky enough to have sir. My heart goes out to her.

I’m better now, speaking with her made me appreciate how good and full my life is. I know I’m extra hard on myself, but I make mistakes. I don’t mean too, but I’m human.

So tonight I’m going to try to give myself a break, hopefully talk with sir(as I’m sober again) and….. Make things better, not with us(I know they are ok) but with me.

I’m his and I want to be perfect for him.

On a lighter note I just heard from my best friend. I hit on her all day, it’s what I do when I drink. She said she loves it and wishes either she like girls or I had a cock…that made me laugh!!!

Welcome to my roller coaster

I’m sad, not balling my eyes out, but worse, aching in my bones kind of sad. If I was asked right now what was my one wish, I wouldn’t say world peace or a million dollars, I’d say to be in sirs arms right now.

I’m very disappointed In my self, I didn’t follow through on my commands today, that makes both sides of me pissed

I’m truly sorry sir.

I don’t know
I just really miss you
Great now the tears start, I don’t want to write any more.