Sleep whore

On the ferry, remembering last Sunday with sir. Being so happy with my head on his shoulder enjoying the soft rocking if the boat. Being just a bit sad, knowing he was leaving, hoping he would be back soon.

Today is different. I’m standing, charging my phone, drinking coffee, looking the part of the typical New Yorker. Enraptured with my phone, ear buds in, scornfully glaring at the tourists pass by.

He is sleeping!!! Normally he would tell me a time to wake him, but it’s Sunday. So I hope he’s having a good sleep and even better dreams.

This time I know in just a weeks time he’ll be back. No guessing, no brain insecurities kicking in, just knowing we will wake up cuddled in each other’s arms soon.

Sleep whore or not, I’ll be calling him soon. Just to hear his voice.


Just read my prior post. The grammar errors astound me!

I do love that state, that slave state only sir can lead me too.

My brains back, off to finish my last Christmas present!

A little something for sir. I miss him so much! I’ll see him soon, that much broke through to my brain, it’s that important to me.

Biggest smile ever, I think my vision is coming back.

The whip

I hear it in my dreams. My minds notwith me. In that beautiful fog.

The sound before the strike is what I long for, it means the pain is coming, it means I stop thinking, I only feel. I cum harder than ever before, every strike an orgasm.

I trust sir to know how much I can take because I don’t. Once I’m in this fog of a slave state every ounce of pain gets absorbed. I devour it, I scream for it, I beg for it.

Today I was a good girl. I always want to be his good girl. He says get the plug, I run for it, says I’m going to be allowed to cum. I bend over the slave station, tits pressed firmly down on the cold hard wood, on tip toes, all holes open, ass in the air. Fast and hard I put it in, the first pain moan, always the best that first hard thrust into my slave hole. I am complete.
Then he says wait. And I hear it. He has the whip I dream of, long for. I tense hard in the plug waiting for the stile, with every strike j cum. I know long cum from the hole that’s being used. I cum from deep inside of my soul. I hear the strike, cum, strike , cum, can never count this by strike 2 I have no brain for anything but obeying sir.

I’m such a good girl sir calls back, we just hung up.I’m sitting her plug still in, he says up down on the wood chair again over over , then sit hard, cum at one, counts back from 10. I cum hard, makes sir so happy. In that space I’m happy to, I pleased him. My orgasm is his not mine. My own orgasm is dull boring, meaningless.

Sir please bring the whip. Please let me cum for you? Please bring the tears, let the last bit of me go……..


The search for girl Friday or a possible couple has started. With sirs help And encouragement I have a new profile on a new site. I’m so excited. My type a personality taking over and by yesterday afternoon I had different couple set to call every hour until midnight. Like most sites some of the profiles are made up, but two called.
One was sweet and we were both nervous. We decided to message and talk this week, if we click, set up a place to meet. The other one called but I had already fallen asleep.

More than anything I just want a girl for play and company. Someone that understands me. Someone that only knows the me I am now, not the unhappy person I was.

As I previously said I will suck and fuck any man or woman sir say to, so if it’s a couple that’s fine with me. Plus I like the thought of so many hands on me. I picture me on top of the faceless man riding his cock with sir fucking my slave whole all while the girl waits and watches. sir and the man watching as we take turns licking each other, I’ve also been visualizing us fucking our cunts with a double sided dildo, but more than that I picture us bound together, blindfolded, being used hard, every hole. Crying. Cuming. Pain and pleasure.

My mind keeps straying all day. I miss the feel of another woman’s breasts pressed against mine. The feeling of a woman’s tongue on my clit and cunt. I’ve been dripping since yesterday morning.

My one concern is that this site although bdsm friendly is not a bdsm site. I’m concerned about how to handle myself if we end up meeting a vanilla couple, I only come with permission and that may freak some people out. This is all just my brain crap coming up but I thought if I wrote it out it would make some sense, I guessed wrong.

This only makes me even more sure that I will never go back to a plain old vanilla existence.

My slave side is so happy and giddy.
Thank you sir- biggest hug and sweetest kisses!!!

Yoga experiment -part 3

So when I got home I did as instructed like a good girl.
We never did get to the rope and the chain bit……;)

I run home sometimes like a child, just to be able to strip down and put my collar and cuffs on, to call sir and hear his voice. Doesn’t matter what we speak about, it just puts me in the happiest mindset. I become so comfortable, unstressed and……me.

I do as sir says, I take the plug, bend over the slave station, lots of lube, put it in fast and hard, screaming with delight(I love that pain). The whole time picturing it being sirs cock going into my slave hole. I whimpered a little, loving the feeling and riding the pain. He tells me to fuck myself hard and I do, he tells me to stop, right at the edge of orgasm, I do, them I do it again, this time he lets me cum as many times as I want for a certain time. I fall on the floor. Sir knows this and told me to bring my comfy blanket with me to keep me warm. He needs to make a 10 minute call, tells me to keggle the plug as much as I can, no cuming. I do it the entire time. By the time I hear him again I’m in full slave state. He says to get up and walk, I do.
Then it’s time for the ice
I take out a cube suck it like it was his cock, rub it on my nipples, all edges gone, he says put it in fast, hard, all the way into my cunt hole. I do and squeal like a little girl with delight. I love that fucking feeling. Then he say take another one. Rub the edges off with my clit, I do, I want to cum but don’t ( more on that in a bit). Then he says put that one in. Everything gets really fuzzy at this point. I know I had the ice still in me, I bent over the slave station and pulled the plug out hard.
Then he said to crawl to his chair. I did leaving a trail of my wetness as I went. I curled up right next to it, ass in the air, Childs pose. Imagined him petting my hair. He told me to put fingers in my cunt hole the ice exploding out. For a few minutes after every little aftershock pushed more of the ice out. I wish I could describe that feeling. My body holds it in as long as it can, not letting it all out at once. Sir and I had a conversation about yoga and him coming to visit soon. But I don’t remember much except him telling me that I will fuck and suck any man or woman he says, I am owned I am his. I love when he tells me that. He asked what am I and I said “I’m your slave sir”.
After about 10 minutes I was able to get up, eat a tiny bit and get ready for bed.
Sir tucked me in as always and I feel into a long deep sleep. Dreaming of sir and girl friday….another post for another time.
Side note about my clit-before sir I came 2x a day, they only way I came was by using my clit. It’s been over 3weeks and I haven’t cum not once touching my clit, weird but worth mentioning.


A lists of my firsts

This is a list that will be updated periodically. There are only a couple we have not done yet!

First time in a relationship from online meeting
First time with cum in my mouth
First time swallowing cum
First time wearing nipple clamps
First time experiencing a pain orgasm
First time cropped(with orgasm)
First time whipped(with orgasm)
First time blindfolded
First time having a cock in my mouth with the man not seen before (blindfolded and cuffed)
First time fisted(with insane orgasm)
First time squirting
First time with a new man in my bed in a decade
First time this decade cooking for a man in my home
First time chained(with orgasm)
First time with heavy rope through cunt slit hitting clit(with orgasm)
First time fully and totally raw and open in my wants and needs
First time with welts from being whipped
First time wearing crotchless leggings to the office
First time wearing slave collar, slave wrist and ankle cuffs (I miss them right now)
First time accepting what’s inside of me
First time not being jealous at the concept of other girls involved in various ways
First orgasm from simply sitting there and being commanded to “cum for me girl”
First time this century aching to be with another girl
First time something in all 3holes (cock, suction cup dildo, rabbit, plug at various times)
First time admitting long time fantasies knowing I won’t feel shame from speaking them
First time leaking a puddle on the floor from just waiting with my wetness
First time wearing butt plug(with orgasm)
First time watching a porn with a man
First time ice on nipples, clit, inside cunt and slave hole
First time admitting to myself:I will obey fully in all ways.
It made my cunt quiver and my heart skip a beat, it is very true.

I’m sure many more will be added and the 2 not done yet will be done soon.
And I look forward to doing each and every first again with my sir!

What I miss most

None of my relationships up to this point had given me what I most desire.
And I’m not talking kink. Sex is easy. It’s everything else that’s hard.

Since our first talk, I wake up every day to his words, images. He lets me know that he thinks of me. In turn he wakes up to my words.

The first time I saw his messages I cried. The tender thoughts, always keeping my feelings in mind, always asking me to tell him everything. Never having to censor myself. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of. Lol, I’m still trying to get used to it!

He encourages me. He brings me the courage to do the things I’ve always wanted to, but never could. He knows my mind, soul and body so much better than I do.

Since sir went home Sunday what I miss most are those tender moments. Sharing coffee at the dining room table, just talking. Naked collar,cuffs soft blanket or sweater. Warm comfortable. I feel totally at ease, they way he looks at me makes me melt.
Laying my head on his lap while he watches tv. Falling fast to sleep. Not because I’m tired, but because I’m safe , I’m where I belong.
Cuddling with him and never wanting to leave his arms. Fitting perfectly into him. The ying to his yang. These are the things I miss most.

Brain me still has a hard time with this, not accepting his warmth, but more believing I’m worth it. Acknowledging that he appreciates me as much more than a group of holes to be used. That’s my doubt, placed there by the others that came before him. Everyday it is growing less. Everyday I trust him more. This is truly a scary process.

I feel complete when he touched me.
He sees me, really sees me.

The first night, when he took off the blindfold and I looked in his eyes it was magic. I was on his lap, never having seen him before, just a waist sincher, collar, cuffs and heels. Feeling perfectly comfortable. There are no words to explain how happy my soul was to be in his arms, to look in his eyes. His eyes have such amazing warmth to them. We kissed hugged, even laughed.

We talked at the table shared food and wine with Celtic Christmas carols and candle light. It was the most romantic experience I’ve had to date. It felt like he belonged there. Like the hole I’ve walked around my whole life with was filled, brimming with happiness. Just a simple hand being held. Such a small but meaningful gesture. To let me know when we are speaking he is there, 100% there with me. That’s what I want, what I need.

Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great, the kink wonderful, but the way our souls connected is the best thing by far.

HE completes me.
I am HIS pain slut.
I am HIS cum slut.
I am HIS slave.
I am owned.
I am HIS.

Yoga experiment -part 1

Every Wednesday is my advance vinyasa class. Prior to sir, it was the pain I gave myself. They only night of the week I slept. I never orgasmed in this class, occasionally I would get wet.

I know edging on this pain would be easy, I can close my eyes and reach an edge in seconds. My body, mind and soul are that well trained a mere 3weeks and 2days later.

So yesterday evening sir said lets do a scientific experiment. I’ve been a good girl so as a reward I could cum at yoga. After I had to compare that orgasm to the ones on the phone and the ones in person.

It was horrible. Since our first night speaking I’ve had no orgasms with out him. Even though I had his permission, it wasn’t right. I felt guilty, empty, I can cum on command, I’m always ready. I can go from discussing a shopping list to a slave on the floor ready and dripping at a moments notice. But I didn’t know that readiness was only for sir. I need him to be with me. Even if it’s on the phone, I need him to hear me, direct me, my body only responding to his needs, not my own.

Below is my message to him on the bus home:


Hard limit ;) part 2

I’ve always lived 90% of my life in my head. My imagination taking me places my body won’t.
After the night that I discovered my hard limit of fisting was more enjoyable than I could ever describe, I now want more.

I want to watch sir teach a girl how to do that to me. I want to watch him guide her with such care, knowing how much I need this experience, to lock eyes with him as she enters me and I fall fast into my slave mind space, knowing he is there and I will be safe.

I want to be tied standing up arms and legs spread wide, watching sir push his cock into her as she turns her her hand and makes me scream. I want to see sir so happy that he is enjoying this girl with me and that no matter the request I will always obey him. I can picture sir just about to cum telling me that I can join him. Then exploding, both of us squirting all over the faceless girl. Having sir take me on to his lap telling me that I was such a good girl as I cry and shake.

I have an undeniable need to fill all of my holes. Ball gag, hands bound behind me, clover clamps on my nipples. The faceless girl now knowing how to please me with her fist not needing to be guided. Sir behind me having me bent over the slave station, girl on her knees below me. Cuffs attached both ankles and wrists to the slave station, no way to move. Holes open wide. Fist already in my cunt hole, every 10 seconds one lick of my clit, I’m dripping wet. All pain and pleasure. Sir entering my slave hole, me screaming from that good pain. Him completing my fantasy of being completely used. Fucking me hard, telling me to edge not cum. Keeping me there for what seems like forever, him enjoying my tears. Faceless girl staying on her knees. Sir knowing I’m coming undone, whispering in my ear to cum. And I do hard screaming crying collapsing, unconscious. Waking up to sir petting my head wrapped around my body, sweet kisses to my cheek, him being so proud of the cum slut I’ve become, faceless girl fast sleep pushed up to the front of me.

It is becoming increasingly important to me to have sir complete my list of firsts, and it’s not out of kink reasons. I want to share everything with him, let him experience every emotion with me. I am his.