Not well

Every day I wake up sicker. My phone freaked out so typing anything takes forever.

I think this cold may actually be a good thing as my sex drive is still there, but no where near my normal.
I managed to take enough cold medicine to sleep and since I had my own room I was able to wear my collar. I miss it so much.

Well one more day in vanilla land, I can do this….

Sick Slave

I am up and this cold has gotten much much worse.

Today I leave my little sanctuary to enter the Vanilla world for three whole days.  Sir took over my type A behaviors for me yesterday and found such interesting possible play partners.  Due to this blog and the many other blogs I follow I have become increasingly interested in the Daddy/little girl dynamic and he found one of them too!  A little is something I am just not even though I love to be held and being told I’m a good girl I am very much not a little and would love to meet one (aside from little R-she has no daddy or BDSM interests).

He also found a D/s coupe with the prettiest you girl searching for an older couple.  She is the me of just a few month ago. We spoke last night and as I promised her Dom we would have a sweet very normal conversation.  I still get nervous when I voice chat with anyone new. She sounded shy and sweet and Sir said that I did a very good job and that he could hear me stoking her hair with my voice.  He first told me about this couple by saying the guy was very pretty, lol, prettier than even me! I didn’t know to be amused or offended, then I saw his picture and yup (if he really looks like that) he is one of the prettiest men I have ever seen. Sir and I agreed he is in that illusive 1% on looks.  Sir asked me if I understood him wanting me to play with such an good looking couple. I had a few answers to that. One that he knew no matter what I am his being first off.  the second that he spoke with the man and they had a good chat, then my mind went to her inexperience and the allure of someone having their firsts with us. While all of those answers may have some validity he said no that was not the reason at all.  He wanted to reward my good behavior and what better way than with such a couple.  I was so touched I shed a tear at those words.  He let me know just how much he acknowledges and appreciates my type A behavior.

Sir said I could pick two toys last night.  I picked the clovers, my need for pain very apparent. then maybe the rabbit, but Sir knew better and said nope, the plug instead. I did a wide legged forward bend one hand on the floor for balance and puched the plug in fast and hard. The clover attached to just the tip of my clit and one nipple. I am short enough that I can stand and the chain is long enough to give a little tension but still allow me to walk. I moaned and feed from the pain, # spots all pain, what I needed to send me to my good slave state. things get fuzzy……sir said I could have 10 minutes to do my chores before bed. I couldn’t move well with the clit attached so he let me take it off.  He called on facetime so he could see his good slave, every move was a moan. deeper and deeper I fell until the facetime clicked off.  I went into the bedroom and called him.  I don’t know if the 10 minutes was over but I was fighting hard the entire time not to cum. he said I could fuck the wall one hand on the plug to hold it and one minute to cum.  Since there was not email I’d guess that I could not verbalize all of my O’s as my throat is and was so sore.  Plug out and clamp off I crawled into bed happy and blissful. A good full nights sleep.  Sir was up this morning early and I have so much to do…..

In hindsite yesterday )even sick) was one of the best balanced days. I was productive at work, a good friend to the bride and a good slave for my sir.  My clit pulses just writing that as I strive to perfect balance in all of my relationships. Sir and I always coming first.

Wedding nerves

So tomorrow I leave for a good friends wedding (kinky and fun but vanilla girl). We first made these plans in the spring, long before Sir. Since I had a job that allowed no opportunity for vacation we decided to make a weekend of it. We would go up a day early (about 8 of us), hang out relax and just plain get away.

I was looking forward to it, but now I’m starting to dread it. I don’t know how I’m going to be without having privacy. I’ll be staying in a 2 room suite with 4 people.

Sir and I were just speaking about what toys I should bring and he decided on slave balls, a couple of clothes pins and the binder clamp. They are small and discrete. I also have to hide everything else. My mother is taking care of the dogs and would die if she found my collection of toys. I will even have to unplug the hardly used hitachi.
The kink part is really a secondary concern.

My main concern is not being able to communicate with him as I’m so happy doing. Also how is he going to tuck me in? How will I sleep? I wear nothing but a collar and I don’t think my roommates will approve of that!
I must pack nightclothes! Ugh…

Add that with I’m sick. Sir asked how my sex drive is when I have a cold. I get mushy, and I want to be held and I don’t really want sex but I want pain, lots of pain and I want to cum screaming, then sleep. Im still wet, but I don’t long for my holes to be filled, I do long for the clover clamps and sirs whip. I don’t feel like flirting or playing online or even chatting with anyone except Sir. I feel like crying on my knees, begging sir to give me pain, lovely blissful pain.

I know a big part of this is emotional. It will be a very hard weekend.

Vanilla type of love

Every morning I take the bus with basically the same people. Today I realized that 2 of them are actually a couple. She gets off before him and today I heard her mutter a “love you” and he grunted.

They sit there every morning like strangers. They don’t talk or touch, not an ounce of chemistry between them.

I remember that, that vanilla “love you.”. The words said with no meaning. That feeling of being totally alone in a relationship. I used to tell people that I was a single married woman. I fucked no one, I took care of everyone and I was constantly alone.

Sir will be up for Valentine’s Day. We are not together for a “long” time, but I’m closer to him than any other. I have never uttered those meaningless words. That’s what they are. Some words have impact like wait, obey, cum, slave, sir, home. Other words are much better expressed by actions and reactions.

I show sir my love by my need to obey.
By making sure I have all of his favorite foods.
By serving him with the silver slave tray
By taking his pain.
By my reactions to his cock pushing into my slave hole.
By trusting him to keep me safe.
By communicating every thought and emotion.
By wanting to experience every new thing with him.
By needing to touch him.
By sweet kisses,long hugs and plenty of cuddle time.
By my complete and totally submission.
By giving him control.
By doing my type a best to be his cum and pain slut, his good slut.
By licking, sucking and fucking any man or woman he says.
By my body being ready, wet and dripping every single hour of the day.

When we are out, we touch, we hold hands, we lean on each other. A constant need to be both mentally and physically connected. That’s what sets us apart from this indifferent vanilla love.

I could never go back to that disconnected life.
For the first time I am actually looking forward to Valentine’s Day, to kneel before my sir, and showing him how important he is to me by being his good girl, his good slut, and most important, his happy slave.

Side note: I have a cold, I was not going to sleep easy last night. Sir asked if I need pain or just a sweet goodnight. I said pain, please, sir.

Binder clip on my clit, I let it go all the way, knowing I will need strong pain to get rid of the bad pain in my chest. Then sir says take it off, I want to scream and curse him, I need to cum. I need the pain to wash over me. Then he says put it back on, I breathe again, but just on the tip. I do and the pain is stronger fuller, Devine. He say move it around and up and down and it builds I beg, not all that well because my throat hurts and he lets me cum, one minute to cum as much as i can from that beautiful pain he is giving me. When he says to take it off and cum, I do and 2x. I continue to spasm, it takes a full minute to reach that blissful afterglow in my slAve state. I no longer cough, I can lay down and sleep. He tells me I’m a good girl and with soft kind words he wishes me goodnight. I fell asleep no longer feeling ill, but in a slave state with a smile on my face, hugging my pillow tight as I would have my sir. He is the best doctor I have ever known!!

Oh and good news, I was able to count, so my knew cum slut record is:
27 orgasms in 65 seconds.

Still trapped on the hill

I love where I live because of the views. Down side is when we get any storms, it’s a million times worse here.  The buses are bypassing us because of icing conditions and I can’t walk down the hill because I fell twice in just the first block. lol, funny thought I have a couple of D rings and rope, maybe I’ll try to do it mountain climber style later.

last night

Sir said I was such a good girl yesterday to get the clover clamps out. My Ipad had died by then. I put them on and my eyes rolled back in my head. He knows how well he has and still is training me to need the pain he gives me.  I go into slave space, no hesitation. He asks if i have anything to weigh them down after he tells me to pull on them and hears my moans increase. He tells me to go get one of my gym sneakers and tie it around the chain and let go. I do and ….. There are no words that could come close to expressing how I felt. I am no longer afraid of the good pain, I have no more shame in needing it. I take a picture and send it to him.  Then since I have an i phone he face times on that. My desire to take pain increases knowing he can now see me obeying. He says to bend over at the waist and let them hang, then do circles with my hips, the shoes hitting into me and pulling harder. I beg to cum. he lets me.  I don’t remember much after that, I think he may have had me fuck myself with the dildo, but as my slave state goes deeper I loose the ability to recall much except for the feelings. I end up on the floor, used hard and happy moaning. He asks if it’s time for bed, but I really don’t know.  I crawl under the covers happy and blissful. He has some work to do but I say that I would like him to fuck my slave hole like that.  I am still learning and slave me forgets that it’s not about what I want.  Sir reminds me. My joy comes from his, when I please him I am pleased in return.  I am sorry for that, Sir.

He says that our next experience will be much different.  He is progressing me with small steps. I know that if Sir thinks I am ready for more I trust his judgment. He has taken me so far in such a short time always making sure that I was mentally and physically well. I long to kiss him as he is fucking another woman.  I know that I will feed off of his joy and he tells me it will bring us closer and every new experience I feel allows us to mesh greater and for the trust to grow.

When he did tuck me in last night I was so warm even though I was naked except for my collar. I wish I could feel and touch him. It’s so hard when he is away and I want to be on his lap and in his arms. I miss pressing my naked warm body to his and the cuddling all night. His good moans still ring in my ears. The first night of every visit I do not sleep, I practice yoga nedra, I meditate in his arms. This allows me the ability to enjoy the feeling of him being here with me and when the morning comes I am better rested and more alert than the deepest of any sleeps.  This is a practice I have never been able to do before Sirs first visit. It is very close to a blissful slave state but without the fogginess and memory loss.

Today will be a much different day as I have so much work to do prior to leaving for the wedding on Friday.

My body and soul are aching for Sir.

And it’s all better now

Today I worked from home, it was busy.

Sir has an old Ipad with a broken camera, but he can see me on face time.

I was told to put a slave ball in, sit on the plug and get the dildo for my mouth. 15 minutes and type to find others all while he watched, I could edge but not cum.  I was a good girl and he told me to stop with the dildo, (all I though of was Sirs cock in my mouth and wanting to hear him cum, to taste him), he had very bad pants to be hard in. I edged over and over I love the idea of him watching me and me not being able to see him, he watches me now as I type this.  It makes me feel connected to him. He said it seemed like a very good control thing and it is.  I feel……..more like his good girl since he can see me, even though I look like an absolute wreck!

We had a nice conversation and he had told me to get them clover clamps and dildo out before we spoke. Our conversation was drawing to a close and I asked if I should put them away as the clamps being on the table were driving me insane. The clamps I know can give me the pain I need.  He said no, put the clamp on my clit and let the chain hang, don’t worry about the camera do a lap around the table, He said I was not going fast enough I was counting, then stand and move my hips like a hola hoop, my edges more than doubled it felt so good,( more because I knew he could see as pictured rubbing my slave hole on his cock) such good lasting long pain, then take them off, I scream, feeding on the pain of pulling them not releasing them.  My clit is throbbing, alive. My mind is numb, blank, just me and this keyboard.

Then put myself over the table and get the dildo put it all the way in, so deep I get more pain. One minute, cum and count. He watches, I cum over and over counting. stop. I do, my mind floats, I thank sir for the pain, the pain that i need so much.  The pain I know I can never live without again. He tells me what a good girl I am. He teaches me so well. I am still riding that bliss where nothing can touch me and everything is good and right. Thank you again Sir, Biggest hug, sweetest kisses and warmest of cuddles into you……I am your slave, pain and cum slut.

Official count via email- 21 o’s in 60 seconds

So now I feel a little worse…..

I’m cleaning up yesterday’s toys and keeping an eye on my work emails.

So I open my top drawer by accident (toys are kept in the bottom-it’s bigger) and I see the box with the letter “A” on it.  The box is empty and will one day contain a single nipple ring.  Even thou I have a collar, it’s just a play collar, Sir marks his Slaves with Nipple rings, large hoops that are for use. I had visited two piercing placed in the city and neither one had the proper gauges and all would need special orders, one wouldn’t even do an 8 to start. Now I may not have big tits, but I have large always hard strong nipples, so to start small is a waste.

When I saw that empty box I felt even worse for needing punishment or any correction at all. It’s still empty and the more I grow to need pain the more the idea of holding sirs hand when the needle goes through makes me want to scream and cum.  This all flashes through my mind as I touch the box and quickly shut the drawer again.

Snow Storms and no pain

Yesterday was a horrible day of broken routines.

I have a million of them from the time I wake up until Sir wishes me a good night. Not one of them happened yesterday. I could think of a million things that disrupted them, the storm, Sir feeling ill, but more than that it was the knowledge that Sir said I would have no pain.  That the absence would make me miss it more.  The pain grounds me, allows me release and when I come back the ability to focus. There have been days that either there is no play time or pain is not included, but never with the prior knowledge that this would happen.

I was home just in time to make my last meeting via the phone and after I spent time on-line chatting with some people both new and old.  I knew Sir had slept later and being under the weather would be very busy, so I was occupying myself by writing.

At at around 4pm Sir said when I do my chores to have 2 blue slave balls in, but no rush.  I was still typing so he decided that I should plug my slave hole first. Most would say ok, well that’s pain, but nope, it only hurts for a second and it’s not enogh for me at this point.  It’s not sir Fucking me hard, that would be the pain I desire in my slave hole not the plug.  So I asked him if I could move on my chair.He said that I was a good cum slut and yes I could torture myself with many edges. I set an alarm so that I would take it out after 15 minutes as directed. I edged hard for the hole time, moving up and down searching for that pain, hips in circles, a towel under me to not ruin the pretty chairs in my dining room. Still I didn’t get the release I needed.  I decided as soon as I took it out to start my chores.  I had edged too much for too long and forgot to set the alarm. So after having them in an extra 20 minutes I remove them and text Sir. as a punishment I have to give him 20 more edges one for every minute extra they were in.  This took no time at all as I was already a dripping mess in full slave space. I told him when I was done and he was happy at how quickly I had finished my task.

I was chatting with someone very new to D/s and multi-tasking as always, knitting and watching my ipad.  I was so tired that I told her I was calling it a night.  Sir had gone for something to eat and I was going to wait up for him and watch a little more of my show.  I think it’s something about British accents that put me into a coma. I had fallen fast asleep.  I remember Sir calling and I was so upset that I had fallen asleep and that he did not tuck me in and that I had disappointed him yet again. I wish I could recall what he had said, but I was still sleeping and don’t even know if he understood my answers.  I am not used to needing punishment, and for the second time in one day I had messed up.  He is sleeping and his email was in a tone that didn’t sound too upset. I woke up and am horribly upset with my own behavior. I fear today will be another day with no good pain, but I will do my best to show Sir that I am sorry for yesterday lack of routine and disobedience.

Want and Need.

Kitten's Manuscript

tumblr_n4fnaz2DFY1txd1dco1_500Lust and Love. Desire. Need and Want. So many descriptions of the passion we share together. For someone with a desire almost twice that of a “normal” female. My need to be wanted is almost constant and in return I want to be needed. So many who find themselves in the BDSM world often have these feelings, thoughts and emotions that are deeper than anything they’ve ever felt or experienced; It’s much more amplified. We feel more, we strive more, we desire more, we need more, we lust more, we want more, we crave more and we sure as hell enjoy fucking more 😉 But most importantly, we love so much more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel there is any right or wrong way to live ones’ lives, But i’ve lived and loved both in a D/s dynamic and a “vanilla” marriage so this, of course, is based on…

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I have a moment

I haven’t left my office just yet.

So yesterday I had my first official date alone with another woman. It went well. I didn’t feel wrong or slutty about it. She came back to my house and we chatted for hours. I told her all about my D/s experiences, even showed her pics of it. That was the first time I’ve ever showed anyone and I she was insanely turned on by it. We are going to make plans to play soon. Before she left I grabbed her hair and we kissed, it was nice long and sensual. I don’t want to cum from a woman’s kiss like Sir’s but I did want to force her on her knees, my cunt was throbbing the whole time.
After that I spoke with another D/s curious female swinger. It was a great chat, but I cut it a bit short as it was getting late and i wanted to hear Sir’s voice.
It was our special day and as always I called him at exactly 6 pm. Lol I even told my date that I needed to call him and all about our sweet sentimental routines. I also sent him an email I was writing all day, full of adoring words and my nasty thoughts.
Last night I went to bed wanting, no really needing to be used hard. I dreamed of many men, and screaming and being used so hard that I passed out from cuming. I’m still so aroused.
Sir knew I would be like this today, in his morning email he told me to wear one blue Luna to do my morning chores and yoga, then knowing my need to have pain:

as you have your morning coffee/tea/beverage

put the clover clamp on your clit and let the chain hang down
as you stand and drink your beverage
do not cum
touch my collar around your neck, run your fingers over it
and pull off the clover clamp from clit
embrace that pain
let it fuel your ache for more
for the whip
hearing the crack
recalling how it feels when it strikes bare ass

I did as told then fell to the floor to write him a response. I feel owned much more his than I did even 2 days ago. Plus he sent me beautiful Nsfw emails so I was sure to start my day wet. I am still in a good and ready state, wanting sir even more with every passing day.

Oh and with my previous reward post…..I lost count both times!!
That’s why he never emailed the official number, in my slave brain I was so very sure that I was scream out the numbers, guess not!

Ok, now it’s time to go……