Music- the beginning

I had not planned to write this today, but my phone and it’s choice of songs prompted it.

This song takes me back to the start of my realization that something in my life was missing.

In 2011 I had a horrible stressful job, I was going through the initial separation with my x husband, I lost so much weight my hair was falling out, I never slept and I had constant pains in my side(turns out it was hunger pains). I was slowly killing myself. I am very good at self harm and punishment.

I went into work and found the strangest email. It was from an iPad to my work address. It said:

——— is that you?

I use to know this girl, she was funny and always made me laugh. She was a good friend and I miss her and I hope she is doing well. We were like two ships who pass in the night and occasionally crash into each other and cause mass wreckage.

I didn’t recognize the name of the sender, but quickly forwarded it to a junk email address I used for… Well nothing.

Life went on and I forgot about it(three years to be exact).

My marriage ended. I left that job. I moved on (regrew my hair) started eating, going to the gym, but something was still missing.

I went home one night bored and upset and decided to do something type a to make the hamster stop running. I pulled up that old email address (under my maiden name) and decided to clear it out so that I could use it again. There were over 8,000 emails, page by page I went through them deleting and sorting until I came to this one. I figured I knew a few people in my youth with that first name so I decided to respond generically:

This is me, I was just going thru old email and found this.

This prompted 2 days of emails that were vanilla but always had a hint of flirting. He was married and I was not going there…..until he said something that cause me to challenge him. I told him to try his best to get me to scream coffee after work hours.
Side note: I love coffee, but I sleep horribly and limit my intake to one or two cups a day-he found the thought of that horrible.

That was the beginning of my first D/s relationship.

It made me stop and wonder. If you are raised experiencing times of abuse mixed with times of pure joy, do you purposely (maybe not on a conscience level) continue that cycle as an adult. Not the joy end, but by inviting the abuse in.

We had one conversation that sticks with me. I told him that he was responsible for bring me back to life. It was before things turned bad. It was a truthful statement at the time. His responded by saying that it was as though I flicked a light switch on in an empty room in his head, then moved in and had a party.

I later found out that my statement was a good thing as I found the missing piece(not him but the D/s dynamic) in my life. His was not, it lead to discontent, confusion and later what he referred to as the “bad” man coming out again. He blamed me for that.

I had also asked him why send that email as it had been a decade since he last broke my heart? He was sick, in the hospital thinking he would never make it out. He regretted the way he left things the last time we were together. Funny thing is in my mind this time ended much worse, but at least I was the one that stopped it. It hurt but I took the control back and made the decision to stop the cycle my life had always been in. I am done with allowing myself to be abused.

So that was the tale I never wrote in the beginning of my random thoughts blog…….
It is the turning point for what has brought me to the place of trust and joy with sir.

2 thoughts on “Music- the beginning”

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