Goodbye Christmas

Sir is gone.  the house is cold.

My music is playing too loud to drowned out the sad thoughts.

To make matters worse I took all the Christmas decorations down.  The last of the homey feeling is removed.  In just a few minutes I’ll clean. Hopefully I wont get to ocd about it.

I texted sir that it was weird because I really didn’t want to decorate at all this year.  Christmas was never a big holiday for me since my grandparents moved and now especially since they are both gone.  Sir gave me that love of the holidays back.  I never thought I would feel that again.  I look around and its barren, pretty but empty.  The way I feel when sir leaves.  I once told a friend that a messy house led to a messy mind.  I know now that it is just a coping skill I’ve developed.  Call it compulsive but everything has it’s place and is in its place but I’m empty right now.

Sir said I could sleep with the chains on tonight.  He purposely did not use them or the rope so that I could know what it’s like to miss them and I do.  Missing him is a million times worse.  Tonight I’ll be laying down for the first time in a week alone. No cuddling, no happy moans.  My naked body keeping no one warm including me.

I don’t think that I will find sleep an easy thing tonight with out my Sir.

Hung over

So sir didn’t want to leave either, he’s sound asleep right next to me.
Last night I had to go to a vanilla bachelorette party. Typical, ate too much, drank too much, girls got into a fight.
Now I feel like death.
But it’s ok, sir is still with me.
We will say goodbye again today.

Good morning

Last night when I got in I was mushy. Sir knew this, wished he was there to hug me after my posts.
I came through the door and right into his arms. There was no where else I would have rather been. I wish I could find words to describe the comfort he gives me.

I cooked one of his favorites. We discussed our days and looked around on sls. It’s important to him that I find other girls to be with in his absence. V-girl and I made solid plans to go for dance class together and I’m really excited about that, I’ve wanted to do this for so long and now I have someone with a skill set that I won’t feel bad letting loose with.

After dinner we curled up on the couch and as normal I fell fast asleep.
I was used so hard on nye, that I think sir is giving me a break. More than that it’s the non kink times that mean so much. The emotional bonding that happens over good food and conversation.

Today sir leaves, I’m up early, just sitting on the kitchen floor wishing he didn’t have to go. I know he will be back in just a couple of weeks. I’ll return to a more normal structured life come Monday. Work will get busy, yoga classes will resume. My bed will contain just me and the puppies.
I’ll be sad, but I’ll wake up to sirs emails. I know he will make sure that I stay secure in the fact that I’m his even over so many miles. But being able to smell and touch him will no longer be an option. The gate to the living room will go up. The couch will not be used. Dinner will happen standing over the kitchen sink, nothing cooked, nothing celebrated.

Time to go cuddle up and enjoy the last few hours in sirs arms.

Happy New Year- New uses for an old Hitachi

Damn stupid slave state brain. I knew I forgot something!!!
Thanks sir.

So after the sybian, I was mush, put back onto the black suspension bed with D to cuddle.
Sir had one more present for me. He wanted to give me 15 o’s to ring in 2015. My clit at this point was beyond swollen as it hasn’t seen that much attention in years. So he started there, in a matter of seconds I came screaming, then sir left, I tried to see where, I could still feel him near but my eyesight was shot.
I later found out he went to get a condom.
Then my cunt hole, pressure, not a fist, my hole widened, full vibrating, my cunt muscles pulsing against it, it moving in and out( not all the way). Sir said cum, 10 more times, I came until my cunt tried to force it out, sharp sudden spasms. Pain but good pain, sir removed it. He said D watched amazed that she never saw that done before. I never would have thought to put the whole head of the hitachi inside my cunt hole.

I was used, unlike my previous fetish party post I was used in a good way.

I’ve tried vanilla, I don’t like it. Having said that I also don’t like abuse either. Sir lets me know I’m still a good girl and there is nothing wrong with enjoying my slutty side as long as it’s controlled and safe.
Lol he also knows when I wear my mask that I’m ok, but I’m not.
I’m more than ok with everything that happened this week, but remembering the past will always hurt a little and it should. It’s there to remind me of what I don’t want. I wrote that post for sir so he knows why I will sometimes get distant and turn the little girl eyes on him asking him if he will still want me if I act slutty. Even when it’s obeying his commands. He needs to know all the things that made me who I am now to learn why I will sometimes doubt myself.
Saddest part of that old story was that I wasn’t a slut, hadn’t been in years. I just wanted a little fantasy (in the form of the party) back in my life for one night.

Last fetish party

Today I had an odd random memory.

The last fetish party I went to was on Halloween about 10 or so years ago. I was dating a horrible guy named jd. He hated the fact that I knew his friends and that I had slept with one of them right after high school.
A group of us went to the parade. I was dressed as a dark fairy, 10 foot feathered black wings, red wig to my waist, black flowers braided in, fishnet body stocking, shiny leather halter and mini skirt, knee high lace up boots, finished off with a black ostrich feather and velvet opera cape.
I have a picture of me and my 2 small cousins prior to leaving that night, I look excited. I should have been terrified.
The parade was great, jd was drinking a little too much. He used to like to put me down when he drank, tell me I was a slut or I was pretty but never sexy. Sometimes he would tell his friends I was awful in bed, fat and my only good quality was giving head, but it was worthless since I wouldn’t let him cum in my mouth.
I was 89 pounds when we started dating, during the two years we were together I stopped dancing and went up to my normal 120, he hated it, said I was lazy. He never realized that I would eat less than 400 cals a day and work out for 3 hours to stay as thin as I was. When we broke up I burned every picture I could find of me then. I looked Ill, tired, like I was terminally ill.
That night at the club he got drunk, abusively drunk. He started harping on the fact that almost 10 years before I fucked his friend in a bar bathroom. I never cheated on him, but he made it out like I was the biggest whore going.
At this time I had stopped doing drugs for years, I think he slipped something into my drink. I got slurry, slow. Our friends had separated from us because they couldn’t stand to hear him anymore. I blacked out.
The next thing I remember I was pushed face first into a hood of a car, a guy fucking my cunt hard, feeling blood running down my leg, hearing my friend(his friend I had slept with) screaming and pulling the guy off of me. My clothes ruined only my boots still intact, he gave me his coat and got me out of there. The whole time jd yelling that I was such a whore at least this way he could make some money off of me.
I got to the ferry, just the two of us, bloody broken, black eye, crying until I had no tears.
That was the last time I saw either of them. My friend took a heroine overdose a couple of years later, he had still stayed in contact with jd even after that night.
Two months later I was engaged to my x. He was safe, he would never hurt me.
I went through every std test for about two years not sure who or how many men fucked me that night. I was lucky, I got out alive and healthy with only a small memory of this night.
That was why I returned to the vanilla world.
Sir that is where my fear comes from.

NYE nap

Sir and I were lazy, we slept late but still I needed a nap before our long journey to the party.
I had 10 minutes to spare, sir said he would wake me.
I fell into a deep sleep quickly.
Sir woke me gently at first, then he turned me over, ass in the air, so much has happened I can’t say if it was a belt, whip or flogging but my ass was warmed up, I held my self open so he could push his cock into my slave hole. The first pain moans and I am complete.
Sir pushed in hard, such pain, such good pain. He fucked my slave hole, I love that it always makes me scream, first pain then pleasure. I cum when sirs cumes.
After I was calm, relaxed, he takes my brain nerves away. I miss sir, he’s home waiting. I’m sitting here wet in a mild slave state.
Waiting, a good hard word.

Happy new year- sybian, flogging and a wonderful midnight orgasm

After a nice cookie break sir told me to wait upstairs.

After a few minutes he came back with a blindfold, just having the blindfold on made my cunt juices roll down my leg. I knew he had something very special planned.

We went back into the dungeon. My hands were tied up and I was told to lower myself down, a dildo entered me and I went straight on to it knees to the floor. Then the vibrations started, someone was behind me. Sir was there, i grinded into it, using my thigh muscles to fuck it back and forth. Then it went in circles, I screamed begged to cum. When sir let me cum it was ……. I yelled screamed, jumped off. Sir said I guess you don’t want to cum anymore, but I did.
I got back on and it started again, slow circles building my cunt clenching, my clit swollen cuming, I was done, spent used collapsed on the floor. It was almost midnight.

We went back upstairs, poured some champagne, counted down. A kiss from sir with a twist of my nipple. He promised I would ring in the new year cuming and that’s exactly what I did.
It was the best New Years ever, thanks to sir.

M told mk that I did some crazy yoga position on Sunday. So I showed them in the living room. Mk started flogging my tits and slit. Over and over, I enjoyed the pain with everyone watching. Again sir let me cum.

After I changed back to my normal clothing of pencil skirt and sweater. Even then I looked used, used hard and very happy!!

The next morning I woke up warm and safe in sirs arms. That was the best part. Knowing that sir doesn’t think I’m a slut for the things I want. A couple of days before I asked him that, “will you still want me if I play with all of these people”. He said yes, I’m doing it because it’s what he wants, that I’m obeying him and it makes him want me even more.

I am sirs good slut.
I am sirs slave.
I live to obey and serve my sir.
I am what sir makes me and that is his very happy pain and cum slut!

Lol someone just asked me what I did for nye, I said oh nothing much, just a simple house party in suburbia!

Missing pieces: I have problems with time lines. At some point sir let me lick his cock, but would not let me finish. I find it so weird that at no time did I notice any of the dominates cum.
Mk asked me why I decided at this point in life I needed bdsm, I explained the need to feel again. That I was tired of having a life I was indifferent too.
I think I waited this long so that I would have sir.

Happy New Year-Fisting

D and I were laying on the suspended bed. M said to have us change places. D on top of me, but I was still in a fog.  I know at some point (but I think earlier) she was sucking on my nipples, someone saying to be harder that I reacted better to the pain.  Sir and M were there, she was not in the same frame of mine as me, she seemed able to take instruction better.  I get to the point where it’s hard to follow words but what has gotten me in trouble in the past is that my body will respond, no mind just physical reaction.

Sir knows that since the first fisting experience I have wanted to have another woman put her fist inside my cunt hole.  She was fingering me, it felt so good, different than a man, even softer than myself (as I tend to be much harder knowing my own limits and likes). She was able to get four fingers in, but needed to start again and get lube, i think, to get the thumb in.  This was a first for her too.  Sir directed her so that i was safe and not hurt.  It’s hard to describe the difference it’s fuller than a cock or dildo, when the knuckles go in you can’t help but scream.  The twisting of her wrist I scream to cum. It’s a constant orgasm until she takes her hand out.  I really did think I would squirt, as the last time I didn’t cum but squirted when I took my hand out.  But I think the orgasm stopped that, or my body had just let go of so much water there wasn’t enough left.  I really wish I had been able to, I know that Sir would have been proud, not that he wasn’t but that would have ………………..made it perfect.

At some point d was told to lick my clit and cunt. This was not a first for me, but I had never been able to cum from it, it always felt good but never enough.  Sir went upstairs to get water and it took every ounce of will power not to cum.  M knew that he said I was doing a good job that he didn’t talk with Sir and that I had no permission to cum.  I cried I fought. Sir came back. They had my legs spread wide open.  Sir made me wait just a little longer and when I came not even two 200 pound men could keep my legs from closing. I was done at that point, Sir knows I need to feel him on the floor my head on his lap. I was used hard and happy, lol, I’m still happy just thinking about it. Happy and wet!

When I came back we went upstairs.  I had baked cookies and we had some coffee, the sugar did wonders in bringing me back.

During all of these times the other couples were playing.  I find it weird that I wasn’t more interested in it.  It seemed like just back round.  The voyeur in me really wasn’t that interested.  The two things I remembered was the flogging that K got.  She was strapped to a kneeling post and you could tell she liked the pain, after she fell onto the floor in fetal position.  I think I remember this because it’s a reaction I would have. The other T was strapped to the bed with k on his face, lady flogging them.  It looked pretty, visually and the moans made me take notice.  Aside from those things I can’t say much about the rest of the things that were going on.

Happy New Year -Into the Dungeon

I was showed into the dungeon when we had first gotten to the house.  I don’t know what my overactive mind was building, but ……. it was surprising tasteful.  Well organized and the amount of toys and ropes they have, unthinkable. Plus it was so OCD organized I couldn’t help but be impressed.

There is a wall divider with a metal grate and eye hooks to be attached to.  I was on one side, attached by my wrist cuffs, D one the other attached to the same rings with me, face to face. Sir and M flogging us both as we were kissing.  D is not a pain slut like I am, so M had to finger her to get her to the point of orgasm.  Sir just had to keep flogging me, I was dripping from the pain and the feel of D attached to me.  We came together the two of us kissing. We were taken down and placed on the suspended chain bed.  M laying me on top of her in total slave space.

I’ve noticed a couple of things that I found weird and worth the mention.  D has been a sub and M’s sub for what I imagine is not a short time.  Last night she had a few firsts too.  I also don’t understand how someone can be a sub and not feed off the pain, how does the pain not make her cum?  Also only K fell into a similar slave space as I do, the other 2 became spacey and for lack of a better word more compliant but not gone…..not…..released mentally.  I am lucky to be able to reach that state and I know it’s because sir trained me.