Insomnia

sleep and I had a good run for a while, but the insomnia returned.

Sir and I tucked each other in at 9:30, both of us tired and not feeling well. 

Now I’m up again, hurting and awake. For a full year I survived on no more than naps, not one day did I get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, with a max of four a night.

This is when my brain goes, my body so exhausted. I become haunted looking. The stress showing in my eyes and my skin becomes translucent.

For some strange reason I keep replaying a conversation with the exdom. He told me that he would never leave his wife because of his daughter. He didn’t want her to end up like so many screwed up girls he knew with daddy issues “like you”.

So thanks, that’s great, him saying I’m screwed up. My issues are many but that was the pot calling the kettle black. As far as daddy issues, lol, depends on the dad. So ok the first 2 sucked. My father was a deceitful cheat. The other one a pedophile, but I had my pop. Yeah he was bipolar but he really kept the family together. My last stepfather was one of my best friends for the past 18 years. So really nope, I may be screwed up but not going to blame the daddy issues for that one.

Don’t know why my brain decided to go back there tonight…..but it did.

Time to pace a little. 

Ok maybe it’s just the time of the year.

Or that it’s been a year. Yup a year since I’m separated. A long sometimes bad, other times good, very quick moving year.

I’ve learned more, about every facet of my life in this one tiny year.

I learned what I need out of life. That I really desire respect. Not that fake kind, that blowing bubbles up my butt talk, but RESPECT. I juggle so many things and I need to get recognized for being the strong person I am.

Well now I’m just rambling. 

One more lap around the house and back to staring at the back of my eye lids for a while.

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Eros 

In the origin myth, “something out of nothing”, is analogous to our own individual experience of waiting, of being ‘stuck’, harboring a mysterious seed, which undergoes a spontaneous incubation period. During times when we feel full of ourselves and complete, as if we are ready for something new, Eros is at work. The discomfort which attends this completeness is the urge to give birth, whether that is to a new perception, an evolution of our self or a relationship or project – we may be consciously preparing for a new experience, but unconsciously still incubating which is the source of the frustration or discomfort. For example, if one feels stuck or depressed, it may be a foreshadowing of a creative burst – often creation is preceded by a form of depression. Or, on the other hand, one might feel angst or excitement with no obvious reason. Pre-creative inflation can create complicated symptoms all of which are essential to the creative force.

Self-insemination, incubation and delivery is our interior creative process. Psychologically, one begins to collapse into an all-consuming fullness of void.  

I decided that since I was so stressed yesterday, I’d take a few minutes(ok more than a few) and figure out what this feeling was that I spoke of this morning.

My mind is prepping for more change, I have no idea the form it will take, it’s just a feeling.


18 weeks

Happy Tuesday Sir.

I went for a test because I’ve been ignoring the flashing warning signs my body is giving me. Sad truth is I may need surgery but I just can’t afford to be out of work, so for now I’ll just have to deal with it.

Sir has been sick and I feel horrible that I can do nothing to comfort him. Today I find that I’m blah to the stress that I should be going through. 

Last night the nightmares returned. I’ve had the same ones since I was a young girl. I never remember them for more than a few minutes, but they are stress related. 

Right now I’m just floating, waiting for the shit to hit the fan so to speak. I have this feeling that something big is going to happen and it’s not good.

At 18weeks I wish I could write a nicer more expressive post but I just don’t have it in me. In a perfect world sir and I would be all snuggled together in bed, but the world is not perfect.

The Submissive’s Positive Reflection

Well said.

Tall, Dark and Dominant

Here’s something I like to address with my pet:

Each night, probably while we are laying in each other’s arms, I get her to tell me about her day. I get her to not focus on the negative aspects, if any – I am teaching her to acknowledge them, lay with them if you must so they don’t defeat you, but don’t let them overcome you.

So I get her to tell me about what’s positive in her life, what’s she happy for. If she strays – that is to say, if she starts to wander down the stormy weather path – I will hold her gently and reaffirm that she is beautiful and so is her place in the world.

Why do I do these things?

It builds confidence and strength and I believe that it forces her to look at her life through a clear window, maybe and hopefully…

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Yesterday 

in my mind I down played the significance of yesterday’s wedding. This was a boy I helped raise. It was like watching a son become a man.

C and I met many times by chance. But when I was 19 we became the best of friends in a snow storm. She went through my wild times (even if she really didn’t know it) together. We would go dancing every weekend, getting no sleep and she worked weekends. Her son went to his father but we would pick him up Sunday morning, chipper and set for a fun day with the boy. Our way of balancing out the mayhem of the previous 2 days.

Now we are older and more settled into life. We are not the same crazy people, even though I still have my wilder side.

The boy gave me a big hug and said thank you for being there for C when no one else could. We raised him well.

C’s husband and I were standing at the bar watching his daughter(my goddaughter). Next month she’ll be 15. We both had the same thought. Neither one of us are ready for her to grow up, but sadly they do. No more late night food fights or locking me out in the snow. My first little boy is a man and …… I’m happy and sad.

So it was a vanilla weekend but even with the drop I had friday I made it through. I needed to and next weekend will be similar with Easter fast approaching. 

Side note, why is there snow on the car roofs????? Spring will you ever come?

Crazy?

All night long I dream.  Dreams that I sometimes think will destroy me.

This morning I woke on the edge of squirting.

I remember Sir, kneeling and him telling me I would be rewarded for being such a good girl. I was dripping on the floor. It was hot out and I had on a light summer dress with nothing else. We were going on a trip. When we reached our destination my dress was soaked from my cunt juices and I didn’t care.

Sir told me that I would do as he said and not to worry. Blindfold and gag on, dress off, outside somewhere very rural. slave leathers on and a chain around my waist. My mind left. My slave brain begged to be used, silently. Sir had me kneel again, I could feel people all around. Then it started, A strong hand on my cunt and other on my tit. Sirs voice saying not to worry. Panic strikes and all I want to do is get up and run, but my body won’t move. I moan and give into what I need, not what I fear. My hands secured behind my back with a d ring and my face pushed into the ground, ass in the air. holes being used, no body parts, but used, I move and try to get back up. Sir holds me down and says to be a\his good whore and with that word I relax. I no longer care what others will think of the fact that my brain screams this is wrong, but my body begs for more. I feel the first of many enter me and I wake.

Dreams like this scare the crap out of me.  I sometimes think my mind has lost all grip on reality. My biggest fear is losing myself to a fantasy world that can mot be maintained. No balance, just need.

The last time Sir was here I asked him what happened to end the relationships with the three submissive/slaves he has mentioned in the past.  He said that they all suffered from mental illness, there was more, but that is his/their story, not mine. I know through many years of therapy, that although I have had times of depression, I have no clinical diagnosis. The fear is there anyway. Four of my family members are bi-polar and, well, that thought scares me. My brain knows I’m at an age where it would have manifested by now, but I sometimes still have the overwhelming feeling that I am going crazy.

I know through others and fellow bloggers that my needs are not …… something I deal with alone. It’s just that I feel I could go overboard and I need to real it in and have a bit of normalcy again in a more set routine. The weather is finally set to change this week and that will mean back to the gym before work.  I am hoping this will clear my head and get me focused again on work.  This week I started so strong and then lost my ability to produce anything, making my job so much harder than it needed to be.  I really need to set the week days to take care of my career and focus. The constant mummer in my head is killing me, causing headaches and the inability to shut down at night.

I think in hindsight I’m not crazy just really stressed out, with work and an IRS bill looming. It will be at least two months before I have any money at all, then planning a big move. All these vanilla changes are pilling up. I knew they were coming, but I was not prepared for how I would feel as they approached.