Crazy?

All night long I dream.  Dreams that I sometimes think will destroy me.

This morning I woke on the edge of squirting.

I remember Sir, kneeling and him telling me I would be rewarded for being such a good girl. I was dripping on the floor. It was hot out and I had on a light summer dress with nothing else. We were going on a trip. When we reached our destination my dress was soaked from my cunt juices and I didn’t care.

Sir told me that I would do as he said and not to worry. Blindfold and gag on, dress off, outside somewhere very rural. slave leathers on and a chain around my waist. My mind left. My slave brain begged to be used, silently. Sir had me kneel again, I could feel people all around. Then it started, A strong hand on my cunt and other on my tit. Sirs voice saying not to worry. Panic strikes and all I want to do is get up and run, but my body won’t move. I moan and give into what I need, not what I fear. My hands secured behind my back with a d ring and my face pushed into the ground, ass in the air. holes being used, no body parts, but used, I move and try to get back up. Sir holds me down and says to be a\his good whore and with that word I relax. I no longer care what others will think of the fact that my brain screams this is wrong, but my body begs for more. I feel the first of many enter me and I wake.

Dreams like this scare the crap out of me.  I sometimes think my mind has lost all grip on reality. My biggest fear is losing myself to a fantasy world that can mot be maintained. No balance, just need.

The last time Sir was here I asked him what happened to end the relationships with the three submissive/slaves he has mentioned in the past.  He said that they all suffered from mental illness, there was more, but that is his/their story, not mine. I know through many years of therapy, that although I have had times of depression, I have no clinical diagnosis. The fear is there anyway. Four of my family members are bi-polar and, well, that thought scares me. My brain knows I’m at an age where it would have manifested by now, but I sometimes still have the overwhelming feeling that I am going crazy.

I know through others and fellow bloggers that my needs are not …… something I deal with alone. It’s just that I feel I could go overboard and I need to real it in and have a bit of normalcy again in a more set routine. The weather is finally set to change this week and that will mean back to the gym before work.  I am hoping this will clear my head and get me focused again on work.  This week I started so strong and then lost my ability to produce anything, making my job so much harder than it needed to be.  I really need to set the week days to take care of my career and focus. The constant mummer in my head is killing me, causing headaches and the inability to shut down at night.

I think in hindsight I’m not crazy just really stressed out, with work and an IRS bill looming. It will be at least two months before I have any money at all, then planning a big move. All these vanilla changes are pilling up. I knew they were coming, but I was not prepared for how I would feel as they approached.