i have so much work to do, but as I sit down to do it I have a NEED. Not a want but a need.

Visual in my head is being restrained wrists together ankles to wrists, blind fold, ball gag. All I can do is hear and feel.

Lesh on, chain around my waist. His, no say in what will happen next. Just his slave. 

Pain, so much pain. Harder than Sir has given before, but the hit hi on my clit so with every hit I jump and push it harder make the pain give pleasure more…..tears so many tears. 

The binder clips no longer work. My pain tolerance is too high. Or maybe I’m just too used to that pain. So that leaves me with no quick fix.

I just really don’t want to be in my head right now. I wish I was safe and sound in Sirs arms, used, wet, dripping. I need to scream, cry and just let all of this stress go. 

I just don’t want to be here now. 

I don’t like that I think this way. I really wish I was wired different. That I could find joy in work again, but I really don’t. Maybe this phase will pass…..maybe not?

I sometimes hate that I need anything especially pain. 

Sleepy slave

so very sleepy……I’m starting out my day very calm and quiet. Let’s see how long that will last.

Last night in yoga I set a resolution to be easier on myself. I’ve been finding that since Sir went home I’ve become hyper critical of me. I think it may just be that I look in the mirror and all I see is my advancing age.

Yesterday I almost told little R to go f herself. She was trying to tell me I should get a roomate. I don’t think she realizes that at almost 40. I am not ever going to have a roomate! I’ve owned a house, been married and not only that I make more than 2x her salary and if my ex would stop messing up and the irs would get off my back I’d be ok and could easly afford to live alone. 

Yesterday Sir and I set plans for his next visit. I can’t wait to be held again. I sent him a very honest email yesterday about how insecure I’ve been feeling lately.

I got home rather late, met a girl for a drink after yoga. She was nice enough to speak with, not unattractive, but there was just nothing there. She’s a hot wife, married at 19 and her husband likes to send her out on dates with mostly men to hear about them fucking. I mean to each his own but there was nothing about her that was attractive to me. Sometimes there’s just no chemistry.

Once I got home, collar on, clothes off. Sir promised I could cum. He let me have the clovers on and said to get the suction cup dildo and pocket rocket. I don’t remember much, I know I cried and tried to count but ……I came around 20 times. My cunt felt so good, my cum slut missed being used. The pain helping to put me deep into subspace so I could sleep. Sir had me wrap the thick course rope around my waist and with sweet words I closed my eyes. I woke up briefly about an hour later with he phone still in my hand.

I put it down and drifted off to sleep again. I woke up in the same position in a very large wet spot. I’ve noticed once my guard goes down and if I can stay peaceful….. I can reach a much deeper slave feeling. Sir was very kind last night, many good girls and soft words. I know that’s because of how I’ve been feeling lately. Today I really just wanted to stay home and lay in bed all day. My energy is at 0. Today I should be ok, a quick shopping trip and home to do chores. Maybe the brief alone time will be enough to recharge??? Idk😴 

Damn diet bet

A month ago we started a diet bet. Sir and I agreed that one to two pounds a week was good and I would not go o et board. Official weight out is friday, I have one pound to go!

I was really hoping I had hit goal already and could eat more than a yougert for breakfast, but at least my efforts are paying off.

Last night sir denied me orgasm. It’s really a love/hate thing. I love that I feel more owned by his ability to bring me right to the edge and then say no and my body obeys. I also love that he gets pleasure from it, but truth is my cum slut needs to come out soon.

I had a horrible nightmare of a scene gone very wrong last night. Sir was not there but on the phone. My ball gag and blind on. The person/people started with some light bondage and flogging then something happened and they took the phone, hung up on sir. A knife came out, the phone was ringing I was strapped down to tight. My nipples and cunt lips were removed. I was yelling and screaming and bleeding. Left to die, no one hearing through the gag. I woke up crying and holding my tits.

I hate stress dreams. That’s the first one in about a year that I died in. I’ve had dreams of my death hundreds of ways and hundreds of times. I know this dream is going to make me much more cautious and nervous with new partners. I also know it has little to do with actual play but is a result of my stress with work and money and my ex etc.

So  I’m really tired today. Like bone tired.  

I was in a good mood….

Until I got to work! 

Yesterday the drop was horrible. I was on the verge of tears all day. Sir knows when I get like this I need alone time and pain. I have to get good pain to level me out. I feel it’s a horrible loop I’m caught in. 

Yesterday I just couldn’t sleep, Sir tucked me in but my mind still wouldn’t shut down. I laid there tossing and turning. I called him again. I needed to hear him. I was so sore and so cold, not droping. I just really needed to be held by him. I needed to snuggle up and cuddle. I needed to fall asleep with my head on his lap as he read or watched Netflix. I needed to feel him pet my head and tell me good girl.

Sir did his best to do that through the phone. I did end up fast asleep.

I woke u late but refreshed. I felt great until I got trapped in a 4 hour meeting with no notice.

That’s work….nothing I can do about it.

I woke to a sweet email.

Thank you Sir

What a crap night

sir and I said goodnight, I slept for less than an hour.

I was up tossing and turning until 3:30. I was getting up at 5, but that didn’t happen.

It’s just stress. Lots and lots of stress. Like right now, I should be finishing work from friday and prepping for a 10 am meeting, but my heads not on straight yet.

I’ll be better once I get a plan on my move, but that won’t happen till the end of next month, so I’m just going to consintrate on …… Idk, maybe the gym. Lol, but my foot is killing me. Maybe the sauna?? 

I’m not in the mood to be social, so friends are not going to cut it. Everyone is just irritating to me right now.

The thought of adventures of play dates does nothing for me. I hurt too much and am bleeding too bad. 

I have no money, so shopping is out.

Maybe a long hot bath?

Also I feel like something has changed between Sir and I. Are communication seems off. Day 2 I woke to no emails. It’s not that I need them. I just look forward to them. There are also some questions regarding his life that have gone unanswered that are nagging at me. 

I tried 3 times to write him an email yesterday. One sounded rude, the other, lol, sounded domme, the third said plainly that I wished to return to vanilla life and wished him the best at finding a suitable slave.

So I guess I dropped again. I’m just indifferent to life right now.

Sleepy slave

ive been staying up later than normal. Not because I’ve been trying to, but more just loosing track of time.

I have so many lists to complete that I’m just exhausted today. I’ve decided to lay back down for a while.

Last night I fell asleep and had a dream of being bound to the bed spread eagle. Bling fold and ball gag on. I was very wet and nervous and Sir was petting my hair, telling me I was his good girl. That I would be used very hard for his enjoyment. I felt the clovers go on and I moaned. Someone was on the bed with me and I could feel Sir stand. He told me he was still there. Then a flogger to my clit, someone else in the room. My mind wanted to run but my body was leaving a puddle on the bed. Cold ice on my clit and then in my cunt hole pulls on the clovers. 

Then that’s it….I lost it to deep sleep. 

When I was little I would sleep walk. As a teenager I would have phone conversations in my sleep. Now I just mumble and sometimes talk, but last night was the first night I woke up edging. So for month 5 I now masterbate in my sleep. I woke to two fingers in my cunt and I was pinching my nipple. Guess my slave has graduated from humping the bed.

New vs old

Well like my list of partners I started this post and erased it.

I’m not ready to list this yet, so I’ll save it for another time.  

Last night I stayed in. Sometimes that can be more amusing than the best fetish party.

N finally got the divorced and was set for her first real swingers orgy. Three couples, I told her I would go and she had wanted me and her ex girlfriend there, but her guy said no. So I stood on standby. Told her any time of night call or show up. I was so afraid she would freak out. Truth was one of the other couples was Aruba girl and b, so I knew she’d be fine. Ag would come in all sexy and flirty, saying oh you’re such a cute little kitten and proceed to give her a slow passionate kiss and little n would forget all of her nerves. So I woke to a text from 3 hours ago that little n was fine and now officially part of the swingers world.

I just hope she maintains balance. Last time Sir and I saw her she looked bad. Too much stress in her life.

Then I spoke with fet girl and she was at my most favorite outlets ever doing some retail therapy. We also have some business connections so I’m going to help her out this Friday with a mixer and make some introductions.

Then I spoke with a girl that’s very sweet and bi curious. She’s cute and a nurse, so we talked work and boyfriend and about nerves when we meet new people. Also about how until we had the partners we are with now we were told our fantasies just made us whores(as in the bad kind;)

She never done more than kiss a girl. So I told her baby steps and it’s easier if you become friends first. So who knows maybe there will be a new girl to add to the cast of characters in my life.

Lol I said at the beginning of the year that most of my friends suck. Who would have thought I’d be replacing them in this manner!!!

I’m ok

Oddly I really am ok today. I absolutely expected to wake up a total wreck but…, I feel oddly fine.

I’m me, just sitting at work with my wet cunt, being semi productive(as much as one does in corporate America on a Friday). 

I had some weird dreams that woke me a couple of times last night, but I don’t remeber anything.

I’ve been thinking of writing a pro con list re: the new me. Outlining it all of the pros and cons are the same. It’s more slave to brain listing than a real pro con. Lol, this is an exercise I have been doing when I get……not really stressed or overwhelmed, but more…. Introspective?

Well time to go to yet another useless meeting…..happy Friday!

You meet for a reason

I need connections to people.

My mind is a weird place. I need to please, yet I need alone time too. I need to recharge. Right now my battery is running super low. I have a busy 3 days ahead and I’m hoping cleaning and organizing tonight will do the trick.

It got me thinking about the people currently in my life.

I remeber my first conversation with Sir, at one point I stated very clearly that I was not looking for a sadist. He said titles are misleading.

What brought me to that declaration was… inability to safe word and my need for pain. My brain saying find someone that doesn’t like your reaction and that part of you will disappear. Plus you won’t have to trust them if you keep that part hidden.

My walls were very solidly built.

Now a few months later I know and am good with the fact that I have titles. I am a masochist, but more, no one title explains the whole of me, slave comes closest but …..

I remember on one of Sir visits he walked in and came right up to me, taking my nipple hard in his hand, saying take my pain and make my cock hard. The fact that my good pain moans make his cock hard……is a very good thing. When I take a sane amount of controlled pain, it’s like hitting a reset button in my brain.  I also drip from it, the reason my vanilla sex life was so lacking.

But more than that, Sir has taught me how to trust again. 

FetGirl- she has been battling with a disorder and seeing how badly she’s coping has ……. Stopped me from my annual spring fast. This time of year I push myself too hard to get ready for summer. Looking at her, I know I need to try moderation. lol, moderation is something I need to learn. I do very few things less than 100%.

Little N- so like me, but in a distorted mirror. Me if I let drugs take over when I was young. Me if I let my fathers family have any influence on my judgement of right and wrong. Me if I would not have dumped my ex husband the first time all those years ago. Honestly she’s another one that I fear for. She’s just not healthy enough mentally to do the things she had planned. I think this is why the universe has stepped in and her husband is not granting the divorce today. 

So, those are no where near all of the people that have a pull on me, just the 3 I am thinking of now. I’m so very tired.


today is a roller coaster and it’s just begun.

Last night Sir was so good to me, knowing what I needed. 

I came in from work, in my old lady clothes. We ordered pizza and I changed. We sat and talked and I was able to unwind. After dinner I got up and I had sat way to long, causing my foot to hurt. Sir bent me over and gave me a good hard spanking to replace the bad pain. He pressed my nipples making me moan. Then I sat and sir grabbed my hand and told me to cum. I came 10 times from just his hand and words. Sir said he couldn’t leave knowing that I still had no cum. Thank you Sir. Then he grabbed my left tit and pinched the nipple hard sending me into bliss, making my cu t drip. He let me cum, a good long slow orgasm and then twisted and said to stop no more cuming, I obeyed and cried, and floated. It was the perfect balance of control and release.

Then soft cuddles. I fell asleep very quickly. I am very emotionally and physically exhausted. This trip has drained me, even though we did not go out much.

Today I got ready quick and went in for one last cuddle. I put my head in the crook of his neck. He smelled like home. One last big hug goodbye. I cried a little at the bus stop.

Finally on the bus (it was 20 minutes late), then the subway. The train coming in and the giant woman in front of me decided her phone was more important than making the train. I just lost it. Yes I am that person behind you on the stairs saying move!!!!! Then one the next train, am old man that smelled like a dirty hamster cage. He kept knocking into me, hard. I asked him if he could see me, or did I die waiting for this train and am now a ghost. Honestly he didn’t speak any English so my outburst fell on deaf ears.

Now I’m back to being tired again.

I have lists of things to do this week, keeping me busy so I’ll be fine.

I just have to get through work, them home to laundry and the start of spring cleaning and purging for the move. It’s time to prep for a very big change! I’m excited and scared and sorry for acting like a commuting manic today.

I hope Sirs commute home is more peaceful than mine.