I need connections to people.
My mind is a weird place. I need to please, yet I need alone time too. I need to recharge. Right now my battery is running super low. I have a busy 3 days ahead and I’m hoping cleaning and organizing tonight will do the trick.
It got me thinking about the people currently in my life.
I remeber my first conversation with Sir, at one point I stated very clearly that I was not looking for a sadist. He said titles are misleading.
What brought me to that declaration was…..my inability to safe word and my need for pain. My brain saying find someone that doesn’t like your reaction and that part of you will disappear. Plus you won’t have to trust them if you keep that part hidden.
My walls were very solidly built.
Now a few months later I know and am good with the fact that I have titles. I am a masochist, but more, no one title explains the whole of me, slave comes closest but …..
I remember on one of Sir visits he walked in and came right up to me, taking my nipple hard in his hand, saying take my pain and make my cock hard. The fact that my good pain moans make his cock hard……is a very good thing. When I take a sane amount of controlled pain, it’s like hitting a reset button in my brain. I also drip from it, the reason my vanilla sex life was so lacking.
But more than that, Sir has taught me how to trust again.
FetGirl- she has been battling with a disorder and seeing how badly she’s coping has ……. Stopped me from my annual spring fast. This time of year I push myself too hard to get ready for summer. Looking at her, I know I need to try moderation. lol, moderation is something I need to learn. I do very few things less than 100%.
Little N- so like me, but in a distorted mirror. Me if I let drugs take over when I was young. Me if I let my fathers family have any influence on my judgement of right and wrong. Me if I would not have dumped my ex husband the first time all those years ago. Honestly she’s another one that I fear for. She’s just not healthy enough mentally to do the things she had planned. I think this is why the universe has stepped in and her husband is not granting the divorce today.
So, those are no where near all of the people that have a pull on me, just the 3 I am thinking of now. I’m so very tired.