Up all night

im exhausted but oddly awake.

My body hurts but I’ll make it through. Sir called me last night, I’ve missed hearing his voice.

Tonight is yoga with little R, then a quick stop at my mothers to get plants she was given before she kills them with her black thumb. A call from a single woman, maybe.

My brain went to thinking about play partners and poly vs swinging last night. Even though I’m on a swinger site, I really am not that good with the idea of it. It’s a real disconnect for me. I’ve met a couple of people that I really like and even made one friend, but for most it feels like a race as to who can fuck the most people. I’m just not wired that way.

I had told Sir that prior to him I had only slept with 20 people. Lol and that’s men because I felt girls didn’t count. I was raised sex = cock in cunt. Funny thing is most of the 20 was in a really short spurt in my late teens. I always had long term relationship. This is because I need to have a connection to the person I’m fucking.

It also makes sense why I’m ok with Bdsm play vs vanilla sex. In play there’s not always traditional sex and a scene will automatically bond the people in it. Vanilla swinging isn’t like that for me, it’s empty, void of …… Everything. That’s why there were times that I had no need to call Sir, it just didn’t get me off.

If bdsm or a person I truly liked was involved then and only then would I feel the need to cum. I follow and obey sir as a slave should, but my mind and soul doesn’t want to loose that need to be more than physical.

I’ve been trying for days to make a list of sexual partner and dates and events. I’m having a really hard time with it. I start then rip it up. My mind doesn’t want to see it. A part of me still only sees that number as being 21. That none of the others count since it was just me obeying Sir. 

In a perfect world I would have Sir, another subby  girl as a best friend, play partner and snuggle buddy, someone to be the faceless girl that brings sir and I together. maybe a Domme or Dom/domme couple just for pain and group play there’s a very real part of me that really enjoyed that first sunday adventure of having Sir and others together. Unfortunately the world is not perfect.