im exhausted but oddly awake.
My body hurts but I’ll make it through. Sir called me last night, I’ve missed hearing his voice.
Tonight is yoga with little R, then a quick stop at my mothers to get plants she was given before she kills them with her black thumb. A call from a single woman, maybe.
My brain went to thinking about play partners and poly vs swinging last night. Even though I’m on a swinger site, I really am not that good with the idea of it. It’s a real disconnect for me. I’ve met a couple of people that I really like and even made one friend, but for most it feels like a race as to who can fuck the most people. I’m just not wired that way.
I had told Sir that prior to him I had only slept with 20 people. Lol and that’s men because I felt girls didn’t count. I was raised sex = cock in cunt. Funny thing is most of the 20 was in a really short spurt in my late teens. I always had long term relationship. This is because I need to have a connection to the person I’m fucking.
It also makes sense why I’m ok with Bdsm play vs vanilla sex. In play there’s not always traditional sex and a scene will automatically bond the people in it. Vanilla swinging isn’t like that for me, it’s empty, void of …… Everything. That’s why there were times that I had no need to call Sir, it just didn’t get me off.
If bdsm or a person I truly liked was involved then and only then would I feel the need to cum. I follow and obey sir as a slave should, but my mind and soul doesn’t want to loose that need to be more than physical.
I’ve been trying for days to make a list of sexual partner and dates and events. I’m having a really hard time with it. I start then rip it up. My mind doesn’t want to see it. A part of me still only sees that number as being 21. That none of the others count since it was just me obeying Sir.
In a perfect world I would have Sir, another subby girl as a best friend, play partner and snuggle buddy, someone to be the faceless girl that brings sir and I together. maybe a Domme or Dom/domme couple just for pain and group play there’s a very real part of me that really enjoyed that first sunday adventure of having Sir and others together. Unfortunately the world is not perfect.