Spring

cute story from yesterday.

Spring has sprung in NYC. It’s official the cat calls have started.

On my way home, short yoga pants and tank top (all black), ballet flat with ankle straps, big glasses. 

I was crossing the street and a man in a moving company truck starts yelling to his friend, “omg it’s Betty boop”

Lol I didn’t realize he was yelling at me until he pointed and said “you, my favorite comic come to life” and blew me a kiss.

I laughed and kept walking.

So thank you strange moving guy, it was age appropriate and she’s one hot lady! Guess the waist training is paying off.

Triggers

Today was the first time I had a drop due to being with play partners.

I normally drop when Sir leaves and I guess I’m used to that.  I can rationalize it as being sad that my partner is long distance and I can almost remove the D/s aspect from it.  Also because the only long distance relationships I’ve been in are D/s, so it’s what I’ve come to expect. When Sir leaves I know he feels it too and we communicate constantly so the aftercare continues even with the miles separating us.

What I have been trying to figure out is why this time did I drop so quick.  Was it the physical pain or that right after I did not have Sirs arms to be in. My play partners really did try with the aftercare, it’s not their fault.  There was cuddles and laughs and bonding, but……Maybe it was the fact that is was more sexual and that increased the chemical changes and that at one point I was deep into subspace?

It really could be all or no one of those reasons.  I spent a good part of today reading about the different changes that take place causing drop.  It’s basically what I do, I research for a living. I know my mind has the ability to cause me physical pain, I’m a masochist after all and I look for pain as a coping mechanism.  Lol, I have a burn on my arm from my curling wand and I caught myself today touching it.  Today was bad pain though, not a relief.

I had a good relationship once when I was young, but similar to the pain I have know, sex with him would sometimes hurt. It’s not cock length or width, but hardness.  I had no problem with the sex machine, but this weekend his cock was just too hard.  I have cystic ovaries and the pain is horrible with some men.  I’ve had bigger but with some men it’s just intolerable.  The bad part is I really want to play with them again, but he knows now not to go too deep in my cunt. That was only the third time I had to stop a scene, so I think that somehow upsets me.

So now a glass of wine and a pain killer later, I’m getting to a point of being physically comfortable again.

It’s the mental part that scares me.  I don’t like relying on anyone.  Funny, total oxymoron, but I’ve been on my own for so many years it pisses me off to turn to anyone for help with my emotions. Every time I drop I get the urge to end my relationship with Sir because the need I have for him is near paralyzing to my type a brain. That’s why today I texted him asking if he had time to tell me what he was looking forward to on his next visit. It wasn’t to get my cunt wet (that always is).  It was to remind me that he looks forward to seeing me too. I’ve had so many relationships that I’ve been in alone and I fear were very much all in my head that my need for reassurance is……….more than frustrating.

Therapy 

there’s much going on that I really don’t feel like writing about.

I thought on my way in of maybe going back to therapy. I know I can go back to the same person, I’ve known him since I’m 8 and I would just lie to him.

It’s been 3 years since my run in with crazy M. So today I found myself in the same subway station, looking at the tracks…..getting that feeling of letting go.

I don’t think I’m sucidal, it’s just a tangible memory. Reliving a feeling I had. 

At work, in a great deal of bad pain, just trying to get through the day.

2 Good Little Sluts

Sitting on the couch talking and touching and being overly sexual in our behavior. A Dom in the middle. We are slightly dressed. His anger grows. We are to be punished for being slutty girls. Belted together tit to tit, My clovers on. Kissing harder touching more, being even more slutty, begging to be punished. Flogged and moaning. Then I go foggy.

There were multiple spankings and cord lashes. Her mouth on my cunt and her Dom fucking her doggy style. Calling Sir begging to explode, My O’s loud and full. Me licking her, us sucking his cock. He fucks us both. lots of laughs and cuddles. He feeds us tangerines, cold and sweet.

So much happened last night. The two stand out moments, aside from her mouth on my cunt were my last call to Sir and the punishment mat.

My last call to Sir was after the mat. I was in full subspace my eyes rolled back no words, just my hand grabbing for the phone. I think she was licking me but I really don’t know, the pain from the mat had already put me on such an edge that the least sexual/sensual thing would have forced me over the edge. I tried to make the phone work, then my vision cleared for a moment and it said conf. call……OMG….I in a panic trying to disconnect. Who knows who I called that heard last nights events. Then Sir on the phone, He says to hold on and like his good slave I do. My cunt still pulses sorely today. A long hot Epsom salt and oils bath to relieve my ass and other parts.

The mat, another wonderful home depot sex toys, Hard plastic , I get placed sitting on it, my tits being sucked and bit. She lifts my feet off the floor so my sore red welted ass is holding my full body weight. That’s it, the pain slut in me takes over and I am gone begging for more! They rolled it and she holds my cunt lips and cheeks open so that I can feel the full pain on all parts of me slit. It was heaven….I begged for more and would have stayed on it all night. They lift me off and make me drink water, then all of the sore and tormented spots are kissed and licked.

My first role play and their first experience with a pain slut, everyone had fun.

It was a great night! Thank you Sir.

Broke

so I just wrote the 2 checks that officially emptied my bank account. I almost vomited while doing it. 

Just 200 dollars left to my name, the third time my ex has done this to me.

If sir was here I would crawl naked begging him for the whip, crying tears for his cock.

Instead I’m doing laundry!!!!

The jerk will pick me up and take me on errands and to the post office so I can send it certified so it doesn’t get lost like next year. The only comfort in that is I will be getting food so Sir doesn’t starve on his visit this week.

All last night I had dream after dream of Sir using me. Oddly no dreams of the play that will happen tonight. 

The dream I woke to was Sir telling me I was his good whore. Hands cuffed, ass up. It was in a creepy club we had been to, in a public area. My cunt was being fucked hard by a nameless man. I was so wet and turned on looking in Sirs eyes as I was on the edge of begging. No one in the world existed but the two of us. I screamed and begged Sir, he shoved his cock hard into my slave mouth and said to cum, fucking my face hard, gagging me, my whore slave cunt squirting all over the faceless cock. 

My sheets are now in the laundry and my cunt still pulses at the thought of such a dream. 

Just a few months ago the thought of being called a whore repulsed me. Now it’s what I long to hear most. I need it, his approval, his pain, his cum in my mouth, his arms around me, telling me I am a good girl along with the look of pride on his face that he has such a good slave to share.

My mind

i keep trying to write about tomorrow. Each visual sending me straight into subspace.

One of the main reasons is because Sir will be visiting this week. My cunt is in over drive and everytime I let my imagination go to a place where pain/pleaseure will be given if is him I see. 

It is his cock I feel and taste. As the 2 of us suck and luck. It’s not her teaching me, but me teaching her. It is sir gagging her and pulling on my clovers to give me pain that makes me suck his cock, deeper fuller, with more need.

It is him telling me I’m his good whore, bending her over. Spreading her wide. Holding her as Sir pushes full and deep into her hole. Kissing me, showing me his pleasure.

Again my mind goes and drip, drip.

I will make Sir happy. To much visual. Needing mor

Wants vs need

Wants are things I need to have denied. Nope not talking about new shoes, although my bank account would currently deny me that privilege too!

I always want to cum, ever second of the day, asleep or awake I would rather be cuming that just about anything else. 

That is why I need to be told no. Simple truth is I would get nothing done….ever! When I get to a point that my mind goes numb and I’m just a mess of need is when I call Sir or if he’s here I beg cry and plead for him, never to stop. My body so very worked up that I need to give him as many long, powerful, dripping wet and screaming o’s as possible.

I hold on till the brink….then it’s a need.

The same with pain. My tolerance is very high. My body knows the pain and pleasure increases my wants. Then at the very edge, it’s a need. A need that will make me go immediately into bliss. I reach that beautiful floating space long before I o. At the first bit of good pain it starts. Building in my body until the need brings me to my knees. My who’re mind always falling fave down and ass up. Showing Sir all holes are for him to use. His choice always. 

My wet cunt doesn’t want him right now, but needs him.