Late to the party

just finished watching ……. Yup, 50 shades.

My review:

I yawned (fell asleep the first 3 times I tried to watch it)

I laughed (at the contract negotiation)

Got mildly aroused (would really like that bed they had)

Thought he was a douche(too many times to list)

Thought she was stupid(just at the end)

The end.

I’m not ashamed to admit, I read the books. They were just a way to kill time on a rather long commute. They were just badly written fluff, but sometimes I enoy shutting the brain down and enjoying some mindless entertainment. 

Plus I finished all of madmen on Netflix, thank you thunderstorms and Tummy aches.

Why I don’t like Girls

Yesterday afternoon I told Sir that I don’t like girls.  He said since when. I didn’t say I wasn’t attracted to girls, it’s just in general I don’t get along with most of them.

I tend to find it easier (with a few exceptions) to be friends with guys.  My old work husband says that I think like a dude and well, he thinks like a bitch so that’s how we’ve gotten along so well. I’m just not into the games. Most woman I know play them constantly. Last night talking to C I called her out on them. I told her if you don’t want guys playing games with you, then you should stop playing them back.  She didn’t like that very much.

I think it’s why I suck so bad at flirting with girls.

But on to better things.  Last night as I was naked in bed with Don Sir wanted me to make his cock hard. I’ve been sick so long that he missed my pain moans.  Clamps on all three spots, some needed twisting. The Hitachi on them, then clamps off and just the vibrator on my clit, then role over and let me body weight press it in. Within seconds of the first good pain there were tears and begging. Sir told me I could not cum. It was no punishment, but I needed to remember what being his slave felt like again.  He was right that I had forgotten how good the pain felt. How needed the edging and denial is.  I floated in subspace with tears running down my face. So calm, so happy, picturing Sir petting my hair as I heard him say good girl, just enjoy the feeling. I tried to tell Sir thank you many times, I don’t know if the words came or not.

I was up early this morning. Full of nausea and energy. I have a doctors appointment in the morning, ugh.

Still not well, but at least my cunts wet and my mind is semi-quite.

A more proper review (general)

For our 6 month anniversary I was going to write a much longer post, but I was not up to it.

Still a bit under the weather, but I did promise Sir I would get on a real keyboard today and…

I’m really not sure, do I do old me vs new or a recap of some of the experiences that have changes me?

I do know that something I did not expect to happen, is that my D/s relationship with Sir has allowed me to be much more in charge of my vanilla life. I’ve been talking about moving out of this boro since I was 12, no wait 5 years old! A part of me was just way too afraid to leave the comfort of a place so familiar. Now I have very little fear, I mean hell if I can walk into a sex club alone, I can pack my things and go to a new apartment! A part of me is certain just like that night, Sir will be there if I do get scared and even across the miles he will do his best to keep me safe.

Also he’s taught me to trust again, my most recent ex’s did a really good job of ruining my faith in humanity. Now he taught me to trust, but not blindly. He …… more taught me to make people earn my trust. He took the time and effort that no one has in the past to show me the respect that allows me to trust in his decisions and that even though he has the finally say, my thoughts and feelings are never discarded.

Back to the beginning.

Before Sir the only bdsm experience I had was one on one with my abusive ex and some fetish parties. I don’t count that parking lot incident since consent was in no way given that night. I tell any sub that ever asks my advise about safety and security and vetting a dom. When Sir and I met all those great words really flew out the window. I’ve never know the same excitement as when I knelt and waited for him to come through the door. The insane emotions as he first touched me and the kiss that release 500 edges into an all consuming orgasm.

Since then Sir has given me more firsts then I can ever really document, with each physical action comes a new list of emotions and thoughts and dreams and it’s a never ending cycle of growth and experience. Now my intention was never to become that girl that walks into an orgy and everyone says “Hi how are you”, that’s not really the place that I wanted everyone to know my name (or at least my alias). ha, but in some circles I guess that’s what I’ve become. I still have my bad slut days, but for the most part I’m ok with the fact that I am a woman that likes sex.

Sir also always makes me feel beautiful. I in no way think I’m a horrible looking person. Years of dance and competition with other females did a great job of destroying my body image. I would love nothing more than to be 100 pound waif with a big cottage cheese free ass, but when I’m with Sir those doubts fall away. Bent over with his cock in my mouth and a mans cock in my cunt I didn’t think “do I look fat” I thought, Sir is happy. I’m valued enough to be shared. He trusts me enough to know without doubt I’m his and at the end of the night I’ll be naked and pressed up against him.

Then there’s the sweet times alone. The reason I lost it on that little that was all master slave dynamics are not as nurturing as hers. The times where it’s just us having coffee or food or watching way to much tv. The times I’ll cook him dinner and he will tell me and show me how much he enjoys the effort I put in to making him happy. Granted sometimes it’s by sending me to subspace in the kitchen my tormenting my nipples or hip joints, but also it’s when he takes pictures of all of the plates I make for him. He wants to remember that I took the time to not only make something he will enjoy, but to make it look appetizing for him. I know, like me he wants the visual impact along with the taste and feel. This also leads into any scene I’ve set or he has for his arrivals. The way the lighting is, The way the house smells. The attention to the small details are not missed by either of us.

One of my favorite visits was when Sir had me wait gaged and blindfolded on the round table for him. Ass up, no talking. He came in and put his stuff down, my cunt dripping. You could hear in the tone of his voice how happy he was that I obeyed. The excitement that I was there as directed, waiting, wanting him to use me however he felt he wanted to. It was one of the many moments that without touch I was totally his.

This weekend I’ll have at least 3 more posts as a recap, but for now, my cunt is getting wet again and my general ramble is done.

Odd memory 

looking at random cs profiles to kill the time, I see one that triggers a really odd memory.

The first guy that ever hit on me was I to bdsm. I was 12 or 13 at a keg party. Maybe the late 80’s. He was in head to toe leather (not weird for the time period). But what he told me went something like……

If you were mine…something something, then onto talking about me to his friend next to him about how I was so perfect, small and such big eyes, that he would keep me naked in his cage as decoration. 

My response…. I laughed and told him my age, promptly walking away.

Funny even that young I wasn’t offended, I just found it funny that a man twice my age could be so blind.

He came over apologized and told me to go home. I didn’t listen.

Crazy day

Vanilla- finally got my dmv stuff done. Big project that I killed myself over for 2 months was canned. Happy hour was cancelled. It’s a good thing since I’m still not eating. Plus all of my financials are printed out and in order in case I like one of the apartments I see tomorrow.

In other news, last night I actually got wet for a second then my stomach turned and I got sick. I can’t believe how this is killing my libido. Even with a uti I was horney. Not a fun thing.

Not much else on my mind today, I’m in a very task oriented place right now.

I made it!

It is oddly a comfort to sit at my desk again. I miss my coffee, but ginger ale will do for today. My commute was great until I hit the R train. People, please DEODORANT!!! It really works. Aside from the smelly armpit in my face it was ok.

Today will be a day of emails and generally annoying people that thought they could hide from me since I was sick 🙂

Speaking of smells, I miss the smell of Sir. I miss cuddling up to him and how good and comforting he smells. It’s no one thing he wears, it’s just his smell.

Also, lol, I miss being wet. When u get sick like this, the slave goes away…..far away. I literally have not a hole to use at the moment. Even with the chills I got from last night, no puddle at all (unless you count night sweats). So for now it’s just mental and mush. My body not able to react in a physical way. Thank you for understanding that Sir.

Dom Don 

On my couch feeling ugh… Another day spent with the dogs and Don. I called Sir and we had a nice chat.

When he went to go, him still in work mode, I did a little …aw, but I just wanted to hear his voice.

I was telling him that I got to the episode with the doctors wife where Don finally goes all Dom. He tells her to crawl and get his shoes, wait naked in bed for him then with the red dress on that she exists only to please him! Finally they do it, let him be him. Lol, it really made me miss Sir. I called him right after. I even told him when watching it I thought “yep that’s something Sir would do”. (Sighs longingly) 

Miss you Sir, going back to hang with Dd and hope the birds stop flying into my window!

Oops forgot the line at the end

“in this room, you exist solely for my pleasure”

Sends shivers up my spine. Wish I felt better.


i like my privacy.

Just a little known fact. I do not go around giving people my real number. Sir made sure I have a private number that is not traceable. 

Yesterday at 12:01 am I recieved the first of 8 calls from an unknown number. I’ve only picked up twice once to an offer to listen to a guy masturbate, the next asking why I don’t want him to lick my cunt. I have no clue who this guy is and the worst part…. He has my real number. I don’t recognize the voice and I can’t block him. 

I guess he may be getting the idea I’m not going to answer, he’s only called twice today.

I may be a perv, but really, does this ever work? I mean come on guys?? 

Home sick and getting crank calls, ugh.


i got so sick Monday night. I still can’t eat and getting to work is not possible.

This really frustrates me.

Sir is sweet and understanding, so if I get nothing else done today I wanted to get at lest a post up for him.

He sent me a nice mushy email. It was a good thing he didn’t come this weekend, I was such a mess. He spoke of trust and how he looks forward to speaking with me everyday. 

I guess that’s what this all boils down to…. Trust. I trust him enough to obey. 

I did notice that for whatever reason Memorial Day weekend is always a wreck for me. I’m either sick or in some form of big change. Last year I took the whole weekend and painted my apartment, removing every sign of my ex. I was so set on making my place my own that in the 3 days I only slept 3 hours. By the end I looked like a mad woman. My mother had come over when I was finished. The place sparkled and was completely transformed. I on the other hand was a mess, passed out in the middle of the floor, covered in paint, same clothes the whole weekend, my hands cramped from holding a roller or paint brush. Unable to stand from going up and down the ladder. 

She ran me a bath and carried me in. It was the first time since I was a small child she took care of me. 

So now again I’m unable to move and she’s bringing me broth and helping me bathe. Weird, hope to break this pattern next year.