6 month in review

  

The biggest difference has been sleep. I don’t know if this is what Sir expected, but everything leads back to sleep.

He was so afraid of me becoming a sleep whore like him. I’m not, by any means. Today and this whole weekend I slept until 8:30. 

There was a time I thought more than three hours of sleep would be impossible. For 6 months I survived on naps, up at four, gym by six…..I looked like a zombie.

My mind raced, never shut down. When it did I would have night terrors. Staying awake was all I could do. All of my relationships suffered, I was short tempered and ….. At my wits end.

Sleep makes you…..unguarded. My walls were so high, I wouldn’t let myself in.

For the first 2 months I slept well when Sir would put me in subspace before bed, then when he was here and now finally at the six month mark I can sleep a full eight hours every night. The lists and doubts and replaying of all of my interactions during the day have stopped. The dread of bedtime is gone. His sweet words tell my body it’s ok to relax.

Also for the first time I talk to him. I tell him my doubts and I don’t feel like I need to censor them. That alone gives me a peace I’ve never known. 

I still have times of trouble, stress, a crappy self-image and periods of drop, but I’m human. When these things happen I have Sir to turn to. He listens, is kind and I know he is there for me. 

Happy six months Sir.

  

My stories 

so one of the reasons I write this blog is because In my normal conversations my story telling is horrible. Well on Friday I figured something out.

Sir can’t understand with me being irish and all why they are so bad. So I’m out with my oldest male friend and ex work husband of over a decade. He introduces me to his new girl. So i recapping in a vanilla fashion myast year and doing a hell of a story telling job. There were laughs, tears,hugs and the missing  peice …… Beer!!! Lol and I’m not talking being drunk, nope, just a beer in my hand and I can tell a story even better than I can write it!!!

Today was nice, back into the city with female A. Brunch where she made fun of me for having a sprout and hummas sandwich. Then walking and shopping (brought 3 bucks worth of stuff). Then a roof top cantina and a well deserved mojito. She gets a call that her friend (in hospice) pasted so we cut the day short. I decided since I was still energized to pick up some drug store essentials on my way home and it was glourious. There was no traffic, it was like this whole island went on vacation and it was just me and a few others left. So a nice day and now my date with Don.

My “slave” may not be yours

… And that’s ok.

I’m not a slave to any “Dom” out there. I’m no doormat or brainless naked girl waiting for her holes to be filled.

What I am is Sir’s slave. So let me explain. In my vanilla life I am Dom, no doubt about it. I’ve taken control of my family and raised my mother since I was in junior high. I ran my marriage, owned my own house, been employed(knock on wood) ever day since I’m 14. I do not, never have and lord willing never will depend on any other to sustain my life.

The reason I’m his slave is…. The freedom it allows me. I know he has respect for me. That he wouldn’t want me if I was a mindless sex servant. He needs the duality between the smart girl and the slave. He is the only one that makes my brain go so quite. He gives me peace and a way to deal with the stress of being so type a.

Plus I really trust him. I trust him to know my pain tolerance. To know when I may beg for more but should be denied. To know when I am too afraid to try new things. Plus to know when I need a hug. Too be told the things I dream are not bad. To look in my eyes as I get fucked and tell me I’m his good girl, not some depraved whore.

I adore and cherish my strong Sir. Not because I am weak, but because he lets me show my …. Vonerable side. He is one of the very few people I know that is stronger than me. So I guess it all boils down to strength of character and trust. For any one else I may be a masochist, a reluctant submissive, a bottom, but that’s just kink and sex, in life and all the rest I know I’m his slave, not just a slave, happy almost anniversary Sir. It may not be a big one for most, but ….. Well we discussed that already. 2 more days and ….

Your mushy slave, and good girl.

Throw back post

So just enough beer in my system.

Random thoughts:

So my first blog came into existence with me drinking on my kitchen floor, writing on my phone, smoking way too many cigarettes.

Tonight I was in this room with 3 masochists, 5 silent people and at least 10 littles. Now let me start by saying I adore the littles I follow. I’m not one and for my own reasons. These were not “nice” littles(see previous post). So at one point I said baring my Barbie doll pink manicure with the one sparkling nail, there ain’t nothing little about me!

So this quote come from the fact that I don’t see my childhood as a place I want to revisit. To say it was bad is not accurate, but damn it was short. I had maybe tops 5 years of being a kid. I’m not at all upset about it, it made me who I am. So saying going back to that place makes me feel safe is … Inaccurate. I am a girly girl, I paint, I like sparkles, I danced as long as my body would allow, but I’m a woman. I’m a pain slut and an empath and a hundred other things, but not a little.

Radom thought walking:

Since sandy, where I live was baron, the beauty destroyed. This is the first year it’s full and lush again. Like no other place in my boro. It’s secluded and green. I’ll miss that most of all.

Radon weird loves:

Lol, I like walking to music my absolute favorite is Mia, idk maybe my time spent with all Indian coworkers, my love of yoga, or she’s an unabashed slut! 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tHmk5qIAzKQ
So when I was finally with an Indian from England it was such a let down!! Damn I expected her not some Whitney sub that … Well it wasn’t good.

My other girl crush, Eva green, I just can’t. So sexual, so guilty, yet so free. Plus those eyes. Ok so maybe that’s just the character, but in an artistic way, don’t we portray who we are?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qbV3LwgQJaM
So I am me, not sorry for it or looking for anyone to save me.

Dear Sir,

I said it not long ago, but really thank you. I know you care about me. You show me by your sweet cuddles and words, our sentimental moments, your encouragement (when I would want to do things, but never would in my own) and when you free my mind by giving me the pain I so desperately need.

End of the randomness for now

Oh no one more thing, so this chick tonight starts quoting the mbti saying how she is like no other (hi same as me!) I almost blew, well she sure must have scored much higher on that judge mental part!

Now my head hurts

and all I want is a beer!

Ugh me and a room full of subs with no Doms is not a good idea. So much ….ugh. I can’t even put it into words.

I apologized to the leader because at one point I may have come off as confrontational. I don’t know if it was the know it all girl or the fact I was at the head of the table and that put me in the control mind frame. She doesn’t realize I really held back the wrath I wanted to unleash on her.

So sitting here with a beer, my mind is starting to calm down.

In hindsight I’m glad I said what I did. It shut her up and I saved my self from a horrible headache. I don’t believe I was mean or rude but it was very “don’t judge my dynamic because it’s not yours”. She even said she was called out the night before for her opion on M/s, so then why would you go into a room full of subs and start the same crap?

She’s listing all the stuff that daddy Doms do that masters don’t? So I turned to her and said mine does all of that, down to the sweet tuck in at night. I told her she may have been mistaking what she sees in public play for the relationship. In public I want pain, my scenes are pain and sex. I’m not a little so those kind words are whispered in my ear, not part of the scene. 

So then she goes on to the whole “I had an emotionally abusive relationship” so I turned to her and said really? My last relationship ended with two broken ribs. So how do you think it is to go to a Dom and say… Hey I need an emotionally nurturing sadist, oh and btw I’m new to D/s and totally broken from my first relationship. She then went to say something about well your a slave? So I asked her if she ever had a cat? If you feed a cat is responds better than when you throw water in its face! So she didn’t get the a slave does what they do because they need too and they enjoy it when it’s in a healthy relationship. Problem is…. None of them that spoke had good relationships. So I don’t know that I’m welcomed back, oh well…. 

Why am I here?

ha! Not the big deal question it sounds like. I mean here….at work…..there’s maybe 10 people that showed up. The 10 with the least seniority to take off!!!

So killing time: if anyone is bored feel free to email me.

So personality tests. A pure sign of boredom 

http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ_rel.html

http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/results.php
I’m sure I’ll add more later 😳

http://personality-testing.info/tests/RSE.php

Friday

so after 11 hours of sleep I’m functional, but slow. I was so sick that when Sir asked what he could do to help…..I said “nothing”. It’s bad when I’m to sick to want pain or pleasure or both. All I wanted was bed. It helped, but sitting here at work is torment.

Little R caught her bf chatting with another woman again. So I’m sure there will be a long talk at lunch. I told her straight out…..you need to leave him. Now he’s going to turn it around that he does it because she doesn’t wear fuck clothes every night and won’t give him anal or threesomes. Does he realize she won’t do that because he calls her a whore every time they fight because 5 years ago she got drunk and kissed a guy. So buddy you don’t get a good whore when you are always calling her a bad whore.

He’s such a douche

So you think it’s Friday?

ive been suffering from this all week. Everyday feels like it’s Friday. This morning Sir said well the thing tomorrow is in the afternoon. I’m on the bus scratching my head….saying what thing? It just hit me, he thinks it’s Friday too!!!

Ugh, all I want is to go home, draw a bath with candles, cold medicine, and a glass of wine. 

My hope is Sir will have time later. I need to cry, to set all of this stress in me free. I need to make his cock hard and tell him how much I miss it in my holes. It’s times like these that being apart sucks, but at least I won’t get him sick.

This cold has me with no focus or energy, but very horny. Wet to the point of distraction. It’s like cunt/cold brain. This is a new feeling I could do without!!! All of my plans are cancelled, so just a few more hours until this water girl is in a bath, floating and dreaming of all the naughty things i want to do with and for Sir.

Every body part aches and good pain is needed to replace the bad, oh and maybe more tiger balm. To top it off I had a very bad, bad yoga practice last night. I felt this cold coming on, but wanted to push though. So foot cramps, leg cramps, my knee went out, then my balance was off. I’m lucky I only pulled a few muscles, it could have been worse.

Sir and I agreed I have to get on a better scheduale and go more often than I have been. So next week, back to at least 2 additional classes in the city. 

Sleep has take over my old morning routine. For a year, I napped, so free time was abundant. Now I can’t drag myself from sleep until 6am. I just czar, my mind relishes that break.

For now…..one project to complete and one meeting this afternoon, then I’m finally going home, to relax, cry and sleep. Sorry Don our date might be postponed 😦