Idk

dont know what to write about today. I’m not feeling great, headed to work. A big project is do and it has to be finished by this afternoon.

Another yacht party tonight but I’m lucky if I can make it through work. My old work husband messages this morning he wants to meet for drinks tomorrow. He has a new girlfriend that he wants me to meet. 

Aside from that I just miss Sir. We looked at dates yesterday and it looks like his next visit in June is planned. Then off to move. He mentioned meeting in ac in the summer, it’s been a few years, but a trip would be nice.

Funny story from yesterday. I’m standing at a bus stop going home in the middle of a crowd of oriental grandmas and kids. A van pulls up and gets stuck in traffic, guy screams hey big girl. I’m like wtf?? Granted I’m not skinny, but big?? He must have seen the “you talkin to me face” or the  gonna rip you out of the van face. He yells look around you, your so tall! I like tall girls, then pulls away. I laughed so hard, at 5’2 the last thing I’ve been called is tall. He was right. I felt like a giant. 

Traffic

my little cousin is sitting outside with a bunch of matchbox cars. He lines them all up in rows. I ask him “what are you doing” he says “playing traffic”. Lol, even at a young age traffic is something we deal with. So 2 hours of traffic and I’m at work. Btw my cousin will be 20 next month and I must say he’s still just a little weird.

I had horrible dreams last night. So I hardly slept.

Today is going to be hard. Yesterday talking with FG, I realized just how good my relationship with Sir is and how lucky I am that he takes such care with my emotions. Her Dom is jealous and ……. Well just not nice to her. They decided to have play partners because if not they would both cheat. Then they both get pissy with each other after. It’s almost like they are openly cheating because the emotions sound the same to me.  I think to them they have so much baggage that every additional person they are with just weakens their relationship.

On to funnier things. I got a message from little R last night to call her. She had some good news about her move but that’s not why. I get on the phone with her and she sounds frustrated. She starts with “I can believe in the last 10 minutes I broke 2 vibrators”. Lol, so of course call me. So today we look online for new ones. Ones that are R proof!

Random thought: I miss the feel of the flogger. Normally I long for the whip, but today I’m not feeling like much of a pain slut. I miss the soft leather stings to my ass and cunt. The sweet gentle pain. 

Guess I should get some work done….

I miss Sir…..mushy day ahead.

Holding his hand

last night Sir asked what I remembered more during the yatch party, the eye lock when FG was sucking him or when I was getting fucked. At that moment my ability to speak was nil, but I was able to think about it.

When she was sucking him a part of me did not want to see. I was horribly afraid that my jealousy would come up and I like her too much to hate her in that moment. I think she felt that because as i tightly closed my eyes she took my head, kissed me and we both started sucking. It only last a couple of seconds before Sir took my head and told me to look at him.

But what I remeber most was when the spankers fwb started fucking me and I was looking at Sir. I think that eye lock stayed with me and was more powerful, not because of the cock or Sir allowing me to cum, but because I was looking at Sir, not seeing who was fucking me. Looking at him letting him know that I trust him enough to follow where he leads.

That trust is what is allowing me to finally let go of all of the past ……. damages. Some days I deal better than others, but I will still hold Sirs hand and follow.

Last night that questioned played in my head. My dreams much more vivid than they have been lately.

Dream:

Sir had planned a surprise for me. I was in a non descript hotel room. Blindfolded, bound, collar and corset, kneeling, sir applying the clovers. My cunt dripped as I knelt. Sir whispered that I was a good girl and to obey. Grabbed hard by my hair and my face pushed into the floor. Face down, ass up. Open and pulsing, needing pain and pleasure, crying as I waited. I feel chains on my waist, Lesh on my collar, being dragged firward. Then a crack of the whip, but I feel the hit of a flogger instead. I moan then the whip hits, I scream. This continues, never knowing what will hit me next until I am nothing but a crying mess on the floor. Sir removed the blindfold and held me in his arms as I shook and cried. As I calmed down, sir said I would be taking much more pain for him tonight . The he took me by my collar, shoving my mouth hard down on his cock. Gagging and chocking. I floated, he slapped me across the face (I must have lost focus) I sucked and gaged harder. As I did this, I felt fingers on my dripping clit. My full consintration on Sirs cock. Then someone licking my clit. I look up at Sir and he is happy with his cock pulsing in my mouth. I still lick and suck, but now I moan, I move back and forth, fucking the mystery persons face. Still sucking and looking at Sir. In that moment nothing else matters but making Sir happy. I don’t beg to cum, I know he doesn’t want me to yet.

He pulls my hair off of his cock. Says just look at him. Trust him. Hands on my tits from behind, breasts pressed on my back. Dildo entering my cunt. Another girl kneels in front of Sir taking his cock in her mouth while sir watches his slave get fucked. The louder I get the harder he fucks her face. He grabs my hair and breaks the eye lock shoving my face down again so I am inches away from the licking and sucking girl. A hitachi on my clit as I’m being fucked, watching his cock go in and out of her mouth, I start begging and crying and pleading to cum.

Then I wake up, the alarm has been going off for over an hour and I slept though my spin class.

Just a few of my favorite things…

I struggled through the first half of yoga yesterday. In part from the hour I worked out before class, but mainly everytime the teacher said remember to bring focus to your third eye, I mentally screamed at myself. My focus was horrible. It’s a hatha class, so lots of repetition and after 20 or so sun salutations, my brain shut up and I just moved.

The commute home was a blur, set on auto pilot due to reaching some stage of zen.

Back home and waiting for Sir, stripped to my collar and robe. He asks would I like pain and no cuming or toys and cuming. On any normal monday I would choose the pain. It’s like hitting reset in my head, but yesterday I needed to cum. He was shocked and said 10 minutes, 50 edges. I think I called in three, but he didn’t answer, so 10 minutes later I called back. Sir knowing what a bad space I was in mixed the pain with the pleasure. Binder on my clit and clovers on my tits, he said tonight I was going to do myself for him. I was an instant puddle. The plug in first, then the dildo, I cried and begged lol and drooled fucking my self over and over for him. One minute I could cum. He emailed me my count was somewhere between 29 and 30. Then he gave me a bonus, one more big one. Both toys out at the same time and I screamed from the pleasure of it. I’ve on hand to sooth my pain spots, then in my holes. Hearing over and over what a good girl I was. 

When I returned from my crumpled mess on the floor, there were puddles everywhere, drool, tears, cum, melted ice. The dildo was so covered in me it looked like a cock covered in its own cum. I send Sir a picture of it and he laughed and agreed!

After I had a nice long and funny conversation with one of my fellow bloggers. Sorry now you know why I sounded so tired at first!

Mushy

Lets start with I hate being needy. I see it as a personality  flaw. Even though I’m sirs slave, I’m strong. That’s just who I am. I’ve taken care of myself as an adult since I’m 14. To even be the least bit dependant on anyone just pisses me off.

Having said that today I am a total mush. I am going back and forth from being sad, to being pissed at myself. 

I’ve wasted a great deal of time on people that just don’t give a crap about me and today I looked in the mirror and ……. I’m old, tired and have nothing left to give.

I’m empty…..

Sad

i woke up just sad today.

I’m not used to so much stress, well at least stress not caused by my crappy relationships.

So now I’m down, so different from drop. All ready for work, but looking at the front door I just don’t want to leave. I want to strip off my clothes, put on my collar and go back under the covers.

Last night I started to second guess this move. I don’t know why but I did.

I also started to second guess Sir and I.  This is through no fault of his, I just get pessimistic and let the doubts creep in. Then I went back to how nice it was having a drink in the city with him before he left. The problem I still have is the same one I did at the start of this relationship. If my ex husband knew I was dating he would make my life a living hell. Funny since he has had girls friends since we split. 

That and I had to confess to Sir just how bad my money situation really is. That hurts my pride. I’ve always been able to make ends meet, but ….. Oh well. 

So off to work, wanting to cry. 

At least I have yoga tonight and the promise of good pain to come home too later.

Back home 

summer weekends just tire me out. I still have so much to do that I put off for social events.

Fresh off the phone and Sir could hear it in my voice. The stress of coming up with the cash to move has me down and my stomach is killing me from nerves. To day I went to a makeup party and could only afford a 6 buck eye liner!! Lol, I set a budget and I really have to stick to it or I’ll end up living in little R’s 2 room studio in Chinatown. 

Now that I’ve seen the other places out there I know I can’t that.

Just 2 more months of stress. I keep saying I can do it. I just have to live closer to work and get away from this place that everyone “knows” me.

Sir is, well, almost always right(sometimes eye roll) 😅

Sir to me 11/25/14 4 pm

Re:my screen name

I try not to read too much into pieces of data, such as the term ‘pet’ in your username….

That forms the impression that you have almost a tangible need to please , to be appreciated, to hear “you are a good girl” while sitting on your man’s lap in his chair while your hair is being stroked.

to see him give a sincere, genuine smile when you have pleased him.

That horrible inside feeling you get when you see disappointment in his eyes.

again, reading into things :::: you have figured some things out, and here in year 2014 have made the intelligent decision to seek anew – that your brain is now fully-ok with what your inside soul now knows it simply ‘needs’ 

To get to know a man so well that you become his – in a sane and balanced fashion. Ying and Yang. To the ideal point where he knows you so very well; and you him there is nothing he would want from you that you could not offer, mutual trust —–

that when you hear your man say “good girl” you tingle inside….

***** so here’s my curious side of my persona wondering how accurate all of this was…

In my message back I denied that need. Mainly because I had never had the aftercare I needed. The first time I got that good girl and stroke of the hair, I knew that was who I was and where I belonged.

Eyes 

Radom side thought.

I just recalled after sir and I’s first scene him taking the blindfold off. He had the happiest eyes.

I was talking to c yesterday and she showed me a pic of her new man and all I looked at was his eyes. I told her he has such kind eyes.

My eyes lately are worn looking. The color is a brown hazel, they go from gold to Amber to black, it’s as though I wear a mood ring on my face.

But his eyes they smiled, I touched his face and said that I was so happy he was real and really here. A great mushy moment!