Blog blog blog

well it’s Friday, my most favorite day of the week. Sadly I woke up and within an hour I was sick as a dog. Yesterday I ate solid food and my doctor said to stay on mush, but I was so so hungry. 

So today I’m paying for it. 

Just trying to stay cool and this weekend I will be pool hopping. 

I’ve been invited to 4 different places tonight. 

Sir likes the idea of me going to a hotel party. I’m afraid that I’ll end up puking on someone. Never though that would be my biggest concern when thinking about an orgy, but yes…..it’s a real fear.

Also going to get together with the new girl (no name yet) tomorrow night. We have a good deal in common and have been chatting often. Looking forward to see where this goes but like my play partners in the past im not getting my hopes up. They have mostly been one and done. That’s not really what I’m looking for. I would like to have more of a female fwb. Nothing serious, but nothing empty. 

Someone that understands Sir comes first, but can be a companion, not just a ….. Whatever.

This week has been long and hard. Last night I sat down to knit and watch some tv. I put my head down for a second and oops, I woke at 11something to Sir calling telling me to go to bed. I really underestimated just how tired I am.

Morning gripes

Sir had offered me one good orgasm Tuesday night or many if I waited until Wednesday.

So far, I’ll always choose the denial. To cum just once, well I don’t even know if I could do that. Last night numbers were not outstanding by any means, but it’s been so long. 

Sir asked if I needed pain or pleasure. I said he could pick, I just needed it all. He knew I was stressed and gave me what I needed, first pain 14 cums. Then pleasure, no count there. I went non verbal. Then to lull me to sleep the hard rope through my slit, 10 more….sir told me what I needed to hear, that I was still owned and still his good slut. 

I did end up getting sick before bed and took time to be calm. Enjoying just laying in a quite room, not thinking.

When I first hit subspace last night I was crying. The flood gates wide open. I let go of all of the stress. The next time I tried to tell Sir how I miss the feel of him near me. The cuddles, hugs and falling asleep with my head on his chest. We also had a good chat before play. It’s not the same as sitting at the table over food together, but it was still needed to reconnect us.

I didn’t realize how much of a……. Wall had started to go up. Him being sick and understandably not interested and talk time being short. I started to forget. Forget the feelings of being D/s. Now I’m not talking about your mine do this…. But the….other stuff. The connection (even over the miles) when we play and he knows how to make me give in. The way even when I hold back he gets me to let go. The sound of joy I hear when the tears come and his cock gets hard and he’s proud of his good slave. 

At some point last night he was talking and said that now I remember that I’m owned, he asked me who and what I was and crying big full tears I told him I’m his slave. He said something about knowing that I’m cared for. That’s what I started to forget the most. That he still cares. I’ve also noticed I had stopped caring about me. I got so wrapped up in my tasks and illness, that my own emotional health was suffering. I was pulling away from everyone.

So today I’m mushy. A little dropish. I keep getting spacey here and there. Today would have been a day that I would just want to be wrapped up in Sir. He does his best to give aftercare on the phone and I long for his soft words, but in times like this I want to be held. To have my head on his lap and have him pet my hair, while I’m lost In bliss…..saying good girl.

But…… I’m at work and need to do stuff, then deal with more brokers.

Sad slave

Starting over……it’s what I want to do.

So now I start again, the perfect place is officially not going to happen. It’s karma. I’m now paying for leaving my ex in the way I did. I said fuck this and left. Short-saled my house, claimed bankruptcy and left.

Now even though I’ve rebuilt my credit I can’t get anyone to rent to me. The ultimate kicker is the only one I know that can co sign for me is his father!!! I’d rather live in a box than ask him for that.

So karma comes back to bite me in the ass.

Waking up the good slut….

Since Sir and I have been so off lately he called and said lets try a scientific experiment. It’s been months since we’ve done that.

Neither of us have been aroused by anything. Lol, we both (not even knowing) tried watching porn….and nothing. I even tried playing it in the back round during the day hoping my body would respond, but nope.

So we were both feeling a bit better and Sir wanted to see if my good pain moans could make his cock hard. I held back at first, my body not used to pain. Clamps on and with a bit of wiggling the dildo in. I fell in fast…..on the bed with the hitachi on I cried and almost screamed with need. All of the clamps off and the vibrator back on, I begged, not holding back, letting the tears come, making Sir hard again. Going right into subspace, silently crying at ….. The beauty of it. My mind and body missed Sir so much. 

I think that release was really what allowed me to cry over the good changes coming up. It freed my heart, allowing me to face my emotions. I’ve noticed that the past two weeks I’ve been pushing things down, I have been completing tasks at an alarming rate, but in a cold and calculating way. I was shutting down my feelings.

Last night a new friend stopped by for a drink. We have a good amount in common and I think there is a good possibility of play in our future.

So no pity party of one, but……I’ll be having that tonight. The apartment most likely fell through, the want s gaurantor and I don’t think I can get one. So back to the drawing board.

Music

this song still brings me to tears

http://youtu.be/VFkfhbQsXiA
The last year that we were both trying to save what little was little was left of our marriage, he took me to see this play. 

Sir says and I know he understands, even the …. No, all of the milestones will hurt.

Like when I sold my rings. Like now, when I’m getting things ready to move. In some ways he is and was a peice of crap, but today I called and told him I need a letter that says you won’t live in the new place and it has to be notiorized oh and it’s 2:30 and I have a meeting in an hour.

He was here 5 minutes later.

So in the kitchen on sir and i’s happy tuesday, this song comes on and for the first time…..I cried. This whole time, I never shed a tear. 

Damn song!!!

Train is coming

yesterday was a great day. 

My broker of choice, let’s call him Denzel  freeman, took my application and promised an answer within 2 days. I found a nice but just a bit too small backup apartment.

Funny to watch my mother totally smitten by my broker. She didn’t realize it’s because he has a very comforting Dom way about him. So my mother was under his spell and I just laughed.

Then back home and as Sir promised we had a nice long chat. His next trip will be postponed, we both agreed neither one of us is feeling well and we would end up on the couch all weekend just being hermits.

Today has not been so good. My damn work computer keeps acting up. Yet again proving all electronic devices hate me!!

Then I get a text from the broker that since my ex and I filed joint on our taxes the rental office wants separation or divorce paperwork. Lol, sure if I had any. So I offered to get proof of his address. What more can I do? He’s not going in he lease, nor is he even going to know where I live, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to shell out more cash to fold papers. So I haven’t heard back……but my gut says I’ll be out looking again tomorrow😣

The accidental Sir

story from last week.

I was out celebrating a friends new job. Just the 2 of us in a bar near to where we used to work. She’s the type of person that knows everyone.

We walk in and there’s an retired security guard sitting there. He was the first person I saw at work every morning. Always a smile, joke or samaras tic comment to brighten our days. Turns out he was a corrections officer for over 20 years and to him our horrible job wasn’t half bad. He made the most of it, but new how stressed out the rest of us were.

After hellos and congrats he buys us a beer. I say totally not thinking “thank you Sir. Partly because I didn’t remember his name and partly because I had a brain fart and my mind had wandered during our conversation. He was elated! Such good manners he said. I was siting on the inside. He turned to my friend and commented on how we were the only ones that ever showed him respect there. 

I’ve slipped other times, but mostly on the phone talking to Sir. Where I start to say the word and stop. 

At least it died there and I got another free beer for my error!

Productive slave

the morning has flashed by in a blink, meetings, paperwork. Down to the second view on the 2 final apartments after work. Applications and paperwork all in order. I think I needed less to get a mortgage than this place!

Sir was very proud of how much I’ve been able to do in such a short time.

I have to say it’s been really hard, both of us not feeling well and being so busy with other things. The communication not what we would normally have. The nagging voice in the back of my head….wondering if we can get back to that place we were before these past couple of weeks. Then I wonder if it’s only me feeling this way? He sounded better on the phone, but…. I guess that I’m worried about me and how hyper-focused I am at this time.

Lol, I was told by a “domme” last week that I am too Dom to be a sub. That if I had a stronger master (hate that title-just my preference) that I would act differently. So what, I’m supposed to be weak and lacking the ability to get shit done??? 

And the in less that a day I get a fetlife message from another sub that says:

Sounds like you are smitten. One of the things I like least about women is that they are so weak to men. But I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. 🙂

Really? I mean, seriously? The message to her was sorry I rsvpd to your event, but Sir is coming in and i won’t be able to make it……

I’ve noticed that because I’m in a relationship, single subs automatically hate me? Or is it just more fetlife drama? I really did try with the whole community thing, but I’ve discovered that most of the people I’m running across pretty much suck.

I have enough doubts and real life pressures that even entertaining these type of crappy messages pisses me off.

I think fetlife should have a idiot button. If someone acts like a moron you should be able to indicate it to others. Plus this is an event coordinator, why would you be such an ass to the people that you make your money off of? This was a girls only event and that’s the way you communicate?

Sorry for the foul potty mouth, but …. Sometimes my internal dialogue is that of a true New Yorker.

Weird and messy morning

I’ve been up way too long and thinking way too much.

Sir is coming in this week and for the first time I am……apprehensive.  The apartment will not look like he is used to. They are coming on Tuesday to fix the leaks and I am hoping to get the painter to paint it back so that I don’t have to.  That means no pretty curtains or anything on the walls.  It will be empty.  I also know when this happens my mood is going to take a turn for the worse unless I have a place.  I will be living in a shell and my mind will not process that well.  Also the meals I have become accustomed to preparing will be scaled back.  I just can’t afford to go all out.

Those are just a couple of the tangible things.  The other things are much worse.  I am …… dead inside. Emotionally I’ve shut down and gone on auto. My body no longer responds to stimulus. What if he comes here and the slave he’s known is replaced by this cold and ……analytical creature he has yet to meet.

This morning I looked in the mirror and really didn’t recognize the image staring back.  I’ve started to cave to the daily pressures I’ve been placing on myself. My eyes are haunted with dark circles, my hair with 2 inches of grey roots. I look beaten down by worries and stresses.

I’m trying, hair dye on and a tear in my eye I sit here typing. A part of me wanting to ask Sir to wait……not to come. To put it off until I get into the new place and my mind finds it’s calm again. To wait…. until my body is well again, until I find my balance. It’s not fair to him that he should have to put up with this change in me.

Still waiting for 5 brokers to call me back. I’ve discovered that saying you have a 5 pound dog is the equivalent of posting that you have syphilis on a dating site.  They are all happy to show you a million places until you utter those words. The only good news is a family member has stepped up and offered to lend me the money I will be 2 days short in coming up with.  I despise borrowing any money, but a 2 day loan I’m going to have to come to terms with.

Then to make my head just a little worse, Amazon decides to email me a recommendation. I’m glued to my email waiting for the brokers. It’s for my ex doms newest book. Thanks universe, kick a B–ch when she’s already down.

Also there’s the non-stop bs with the play partner sites. I told one “girl” that a play partner should not bring so much drama. I mean really, how hard is it to find a reasonably attractive female that can string a sentence together to go out for a glass of wine that isn’t bitter (most of the subs I’ve met) or doesn’t think they (and always there partner) can Dom you better than anyone else. Stop with the demands. I’m a real person and on many sites that the majority of the profiles are fake. So when we voice verify and have a nice conversation, don’t go letting your Dom start messaging me and acing like an ass. Little hint, I can tell the difference between one person’s style of writing and another’s. Oh and another pet peeve, how about you get your girl to tell you just a little bit about the conversation so that it’s not so obvious that you and I have never talked. The saddest part, I’m not even interested in play partner’s right now. I’m trying, thinking, It will make Sir happy and maybe it will kick start my libido, but honestly it’s just drying my cunt up even more.

Time to wash this dye out of my hair before it turns inky black and get ready, just incase a broker decides syphilis is not so bad!!!!