Good hurts

i used to work out anywhere from 16-20 a week. I did this for years, first as a dancer, then as a disgusted 30 something going through a separation. I was highly dedicated. I was depressed and it was the only way to stop my brain. I stopped this routine a couple of months before I met Sir. The reason? In the middle of a pillates class I got up off the mat…boom, my knee dislocated. An old injury that I hadn’t had act up in a decade! Out of the gym for almost 6 weeks.

Sir asked last night when was the last time I had a four or a two pack stomach and sadly it was last year. I wore my cousin (the track stars)bikinis.

So this year I’m back in one peices and tankinis, but I’m not depressed and my knee is not as bad as it was….that brings me to yesterday.

A free class from someone handing out cards on the street. An all girls gym with Pilates, ballet bar and about 10 other classes I used to take when I worked in the city. This time I’m going to do it right. Sir knowing my type a nature is going to help me to not go over 12 hours a week. At my worst when I was depressed I was upwards of 16 hours a week….the worst part was that was inside of a 5 day period.

After a year of being uninspired by 4 different gyms I think I’ve found a place that will build me back up and I’m going to really try not to overthink it or become obsessed. Again I’m still seeking balance and the return of a much flatter tummy!

Last night n came over. No play (light kissing and touching but nothing else) but really open and honest conversations. That’s not to say if we are in different setting there’s not a possibility, but for now it was nice to have a long talk with a friend that understands.

That bring me to S. We’ve never “met” but I feel as though I’ve always known her. I feel as though in many ways I have been her. She will have no nickname, just an initial in this blog.

I could write all day, but even though it’s Friday I still have to do at least a little work.

Rain and stuff

So far I’ve been caught in the rain twice today. I’m sleepy and between heat and now rain I just want to crawl back into bed.

No such luck as I have a really important meeting at 10.

Tonight will be more gym time, then a friend coming over for a quick drink.

Really not much going on as I have to stay totally focused on work and routine.

A happy note, my missing leathers may have been found from the last party. Gives me a little hope that even though the crowd was scary maybe they weren’t thieves.

Sir went to bed before me, so my night was pretty empty. I did get an amazing “dress” for his next visit. Little R even though she claims to be afraid of D/s, she is really good at picking out clothes appropriate for events.

I’m not sure that right now I have the confidence to wear it out, but I’m hoping with enough trips to the gym that will change.

lol, with the thunder rumbling, my only hope to get out of here is a brown out….praying the computers go down so I can get some much needed rest.

My first date with a girl

We had made plans to meet a couple of times before and life got in the way as it often does. So last night we decided even though we both had stuff going on we would go for a drink.

First place was too hot outside and too loud inside. A couple of blocks down to the bar the local munch is held at. The same bartender was there and descretely mentioned he recognized me from being there before pointing towards the back where the munches are held.

We sat and chatted and the place was pretty empty. The three of us shared some dating and traveling stories. Then she told him about meeting her boyfriend and how now she’s out on a date with me. 

It’s always so weird to try to determine what constitutes a date these days. Her saying that really shocked me, but oddly put me at ease.

We finished our night a bit past my bed time. She drove me the couple of blocks home and for the first time ever I made the first move and kissed her. It’s funny, with other woman im coy, not always submissive but more chicken to make the first move.

Men are a different story. I can think of so many times I had been the Agressive one, once I even threw a guy up against a brick wall in the city and kisses him, but no, I’ve never had that confidence with a woman.

I think it was a combination of a few things.

 She was so open and secure in the fact that yes she had a boyfriend and on there third date she told him very bluntly that she also likes woman and that will never change. It was refreshing to be with someone so unashamed of her sexuality. 

Getting the gym girls phone number helped to boost my confidence, weather she’s straight or not make not a bit of difference. It was my ability to talk to a new girl I had no prior relationship with.

Lastly, Sir… I’m starting to become secure in the fact that unlike the men in my past he is really ok with me liking woman… Lol, well not liking for the most part, but being attracted to them. 

Its been 7 months and there are still parts of our relationship that I have to…. Digest. After a lifetime of men thinking my sexuality and needs were at first wonderful, there was always a point where all of that would change and I’d go from being me to a whore and then I would shut down all of my wants/needs to become what they wanted. Even with Sirs guidence I don’t feel like he is making me what he wants, more he is helping me to be ok with who I am. Luckily I think the me I’ve been hiding all these years is a person he does like.


do people make 9:30 meetings and then forget they have jury duty.

Today and basically the rest of the week is meeting and all work type stuff.

Plus I have to deal with my very child like mother after work. Normally I would be totally stressed, but I’m at the I don’t really give a flying f stage with her. Long story, lol, like 30+ years long and ……blah x3

After that a drink with a local girl. I’m not getting my hopes up, it’s just easier that way. So far everyone I’ve met here is a little off. Hard to explain, but I don’t get a warm and fuzzy feeling about anyone I’ve met in my new neighborhood. 

Great note: C surprised me with tickets to Pr for this winter. She got a great deal and we have a place to stay for free! I haven’t had a real vacation in forever…..

I wasn’t sure permission wise the rules about vacations, but when I called Sir he was so happy for me and I was relieved. The thought of my ass in the sand and a drink in my hand in the middle of winter is a wonderful thing!!

So I guess it’s karma, I held my temper yesterday and didn’t explode due to my mothers foolishness and in return I got a wonderful gift.

Sir and I talked last night and I’m glad he knows, even when I spaz out I’m greatful to him. I will make it a point of saying thank you (minus the eye roll) more often. Not empty thank yous, but when I am truly thankful I will acknowledge it. 

Ugh… More meetings 

Good talks

when I get stressed I shut down.

This weekend was one of those pivotal weekend that I had to get through.

Today I still have stress, but no where near what I did. The clouds are finally lifting and for the first time in months I woke up with a feeling that I’m not a guest star in other peoples life’s.

Closing up the old place, getting the last (except that damn table!) of my stuff out and painting the walls back was a final good bye.

It was a good bye to 2, maybe 3 paths my life could have taken. I said good bye to the spot I sat and rubbed my tummy, imagining the the happy secure lives I would provide to my children. I said goodbye to the spot that dream faded at.

I said goodbye to the kitchen floor that I sat on, drinking wine and writing my original blog. The sad girl with no direction. The person on autopilot.

I said goodbye to old me.

The problem is I don’t really know who the new me is yet. That is where i flounder. I like lists and order. I like planning and knowing the outcome based on my actions.

Poor Sir in the past 7 months has had to deal with me twice saying I can’t do this. I can’t be in the lifestyle anymore, that it’s too much for me. 

He’s good at giving me time and helping my mind to stop…going a million miles an hour. He told me that it’s ok, this is what smart girls do, we analyze. He’d much rather have a smart girl than a bimbo. 

He asked if I was happier than this time last year and I am. I always have time lines messed up in my head, but I went through some pictures and this time last year I was miserable. I was lost and floating having my heart messed with by ex Dom. Sept 25th will be the next big day for my brain to get past. I’m relatively certain that If I can make it past the year mark of the disasterious scene that almost returned me to vanilla forever, I’ll be ok.

I know I still have so much more work to do both inside and out and yes, it’s a shame and a pity that it’s taken me this long.

But….. I’m getting there. I’ve gotten better at coming to terms with my need for pain, that even though my only f/f relationship was psychotic and I wasn’t aware I was having it, I guess I do “like” girls. I still struggle a little with the aftermath of public play. Swingers just kind of …. Ugh bring me too much drama. Having said that, I am still Sirs slave. I just got a little lost in my head.

Why would you do that?

c….what the hell are you thinking?

She can’t get pregnant. She had 2 partners and her age indicates changes. So when she was obsessed with her cunts discharge she decided to do something.

Why didn’t you call me?

I spoke with her yesterday and she was at the gyn.

Crazy girl was convinced she had an std, so she decided to douche and put hospital grade bentadine in it! She killed all of the bacteria, even the good and the pain, burning etc that insued was unbearable.

I have to admit, I laughed my ass off. We both have medical backgrounds and the fact her ocd got her to that point, sadly makes me feel not that bad about my current mind state.

Thanks c for the laugh and making me feel just a bit more sane. Time to go back to the party.


i cum in waves.

What I learned last night, is so does my guilt.

Up all night, just thinking, every act, every moment.

I was better just creeping in the outside. My body was healthy and so was my mind. I should have stayed there.

Things to do, looking like a wreck.

Feeling like I look.

No happy anniversary in my head.

Purge night

So … I used to think I was a mashocist. Well in the past month since moving here I have stumbled upon a much different group of them.

I know this fear and overthinking I’m in is a result of my poor ass, but I have truley seen some (pardon my French) shit I can’t unsee tonight on fet. The stuff nightmares are made of, that happened a mere few blocks away, at a gathering I was no less invited to.

What happen to ssc?? There not a damn thing safe about any of this. I must repeat mentally …your kink is not mine and that’s ok, but,ugh, (insert bad gagging noise). 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…lol, I really should have the Internet taken away from me!!! 

I will never look at my stapler again the same way. I may just throw it out.