Cry bitch

thats actually the title of a play list on my phone and appropriately describes my morning commute.

Pandora decided to play every heart destroying song it could, so sunglasses on I silently cried my way to work.

I’ve been awake since 3am due to the storms and every car alarm going off at once. My mood was happy, joyful and I new that was going to take a turn.

I showed up at my mothers house to her already crying…her last day to take me to the bus stop.

Then on the bus I start thinking…..what the fuck is wrong with me that I would make this move on what could have been my 9th anniversary. Thinking that 9 years ago at this time I was laying out my dress….so happy and young and hopeful (fuck now I’m crying again)

Break…more later.

I ended up taking off monday too. I think I’m going to need a day to recover and sleep from all of these emotions. 

I don’t want to feel bitter, but a part of me is. What did I do that I don’t get to have a family and kids and that white picket fence dream?? (Screaming to the universe)…..why?

I know I’m not wired for vanilla, but why can’t I have both, why was it a choice that’s decision was thrust upon me with no input as to what I want?

This is the point I want to give up. Shut down…hide. I’m just too tired to feel any more. It hurts too bad.

2 thoughts on “Cry bitch”

  1. I have wept so many tears over not being vanilla… and spent 39 years pretending to be something I was not because I was convinced I was “bad”. Life is funny sometimes, but I am so impressed by your self-discipline and your journey. It is beautiful to watch you grow. As I said, my home is and will always be open to you.

    Lady Grey

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s