when I get stressed I shut down.
This weekend was one of those pivotal weekend that I had to get through.
Today I still have stress, but no where near what I did. The clouds are finally lifting and for the first time in months I woke up with a feeling that I’m not a guest star in other peoples life’s.
Closing up the old place, getting the last (except that damn table!) of my stuff out and painting the walls back was a final good bye.
It was a good bye to 2, maybe 3 paths my life could have taken. I said good bye to the spot I sat and rubbed my tummy, imagining the the happy secure lives I would provide to my children. I said goodbye to the spot that dream faded at.
I said goodbye to the kitchen floor that I sat on, drinking wine and writing my original blog. The sad girl with no direction. The person on autopilot.
I said goodbye to old me.
The problem is I don’t really know who the new me is yet. That is where i flounder. I like lists and order. I like planning and knowing the outcome based on my actions.
Poor Sir in the past 7 months has had to deal with me twice saying I can’t do this. I can’t be in the lifestyle anymore, that it’s too much for me.
He’s good at giving me time and helping my mind to stop…going a million miles an hour. He told me that it’s ok, this is what smart girls do, we analyze. He’d much rather have a smart girl than a bimbo.
He asked if I was happier than this time last year and I am. I always have time lines messed up in my head, but I went through some pictures and this time last year I was miserable. I was lost and floating having my heart messed with by ex Dom. Sept 25th will be the next big day for my brain to get past. I’m relatively certain that If I can make it past the year mark of the disasterious scene that almost returned me to vanilla forever, I’ll be ok.
I know I still have so much more work to do both inside and out and yes, it’s a shame and a pity that it’s taken me this long.
But….. I’m getting there. I’ve gotten better at coming to terms with my need for pain, that even though my only f/f relationship was psychotic and I wasn’t aware I was having it, I guess I do “like” girls. I still struggle a little with the aftermath of public play. Swingers just kind of …. Ugh bring me too much drama. Having said that, I am still Sirs slave. I just got a little lost in my head.