Yesterday after yoga little R and I went shopping. I told her about an even im going to with the queen and I’m searching for just the right outfit. After 5 little clothes stores….nothing.

I did convince her to get an ama Ing white summer floor length dress, that when I finally drop this winter weight I’m stealing.

So into Victoria secret we go. They had a beautiful black lace retro as she calls them ” sex outfits”. In the dressing room for an opion, she fully undresses and in only her fashion gives me a teasing little lap dance.

So is because not even a small part of me was turned on. Instead what I noticed is she has exactly my body from 10 years ago. She also said now that you can see I have to work on this part…that part and why am I getting this little tummy??? I wanted to tell her she’s perfect. That she needs to enjoy what she has before age and life destroys it. 

Today’s shopping trip was postponed and I’m glad of it. I have to run around getting Sirs favorite things for his visit. Finally clean the house, not that it’s ever messy, I just never had the chance to clean, clean it and I need to make a bunch of calls I’ve had no chance too.

No meeting today! (Knock on wood) only a weeks worth of paperwork to do😭


We all make them. Millions of them. I look back and I know I could have made better ones, but what if those better ones would have changed me? It could have been worse.

Last night we spoke of little R. Sir saying what if I don’t step in and she ends up 40 in a miserable marriage, maybe with a kid regretting her decision. My response what if I do and she ends up nearly 40, childless and alone.

I sometimes feel like this because of choices I made in the past. I am a firm believer that fate has stepped in and when I was ready to have kids the window closed for a reason. 

The one thing I could never have on my conscience is being the root cause for anyone’s regrets. That’s just not something I could live with. I know even a brief chat can change the directions of people’s lives, but she deserves the opportunity to try for that white picket fence.

Off to a meeting….

Long time cuming….

Yet another day that was many in one.

The Internet company made me late for work. Then I was more productive to make up for it than ever. Home in time to change and make yoga.

After yoga some more internet stuff. Bad news from the poor queen. My heart aches for her and her family.

Before tuck in Sir promised I’d from yesterday. He had finished his work and said he was taking a quick shower to edge with the hitachi until he was done. 109 edges later, hitting subspace twice, a drooling mess picked up the phone. Sir had asked multiple times if I wanted pain or toys….I had no idea. It had been sooo long I just wanted release, any way that pleased him. He decided toys. Plugged I gagged on the dildo for him, so long since I’ve had cock in my mouth. Then into my cunt it went. My muscles clutching around it the tears came as my holes filled. My slave coming back after so long away. Fucking both holes hard I came loosing count some where in the teens.

I tried to tell sir when it was over my holes still pulsed. After such a long period of denial, I needed that.

Sweet words of praise as I lay on the floor the tears still coming. Crying but feeling perfect. My thought of missing him, that’s all, not wanting him to fuck me or go on adventures, just missing the quite times with him.

After I came back I told him I at one point thought I had hitachied my clit off! I even checked to make sure it was still there because after about 100 edges it goes numb.

Up and ready for another busy day. Knowing Sir and I will be together this weekend.

Drinks and the art of not getting drunk

yesterday was like 4 days in one.

Up early to hit the outlets with mom. I am broke but needed something cute and not office wear for drinks with the dancers.

Back home again. Errands for the week done inside of an hour. It was time to go to my first ever munch.

I recognized a couple of people. The rigger from my last party. It’s so funny because in vanilla world he’s someone you could pass on the streets a million times and take no notice. He’s quite, plain and has very little personality.

The host was a very sweet older man that I could remember from parties in my 20’s. He introduced me to everyone and we chatted a bit. Honestly they were nice but very much a band of misfits. Again no number gotten. Problem was Sir said it needed to be a worthy girl. Out of about 20 people only 5 girls. One looked ….. Very mentally unstable. 3 were not my type and the other one was…..scary. She looked dirty, like not showered or eaten in weeks. She had on short shorts and was bruised from her ankles to … Well her whole body they were the dirt that were permant. I had my one drink then walked to get some dinner.

A couple of hours to unwind, then back in the shower for my night time drink. A very quite, sexy lounge. Dancer o came in alone, nothing but a red silk sundress, looking as though she stepped out of a travel magazine. Dance l followed in a seersucker suit and fedora. They made a beautiful couple. Hugs and kisses hello. Only about 2 hours, but much discussed and it was nerve racking, but I kept thinking, well she’s already fucked you, so why are you nervous.

Back home after midnight and sir said I earned an o. Too tired to enjoy, I’ll be able to cum later.

On a practice note, visit 4 today to try to get my phone and Internet fixed….fml. They better get here soon, I have a 9am meeting! 

Sun…drinks and the pool

yesterday started so badly. Arguing with my internet provider and such. 

By 2 pm I’d had enough and c said she’d come and get me to go swimming.

That’s the one thing that can always put me at ease. So laundry on and me in the pool with rum in hand the world was perfect again.

There was also the possibility of drinks and play with the dancer, but that didn’t pan out. Maybe today. 

Today should be fun, out with mom on some errands and then an evening munch. 

Hoping to meet some new people and get that priceless phone number that will allow me to finally cum.

I’ve been very horny due to Sir coming in this week and my messages with the queen. I keep visualizing my hand in her hair and fucking her with a strapon. I really am quite cunt brained today.

Kinky and vanilla

so, now I have some time to sit and write.

This week/weekend is full of my kinky yet vanilla friends coming to visit.

On Thursday l came and we went searching for the best regular Bklyn slice of pizza and a good pub with outside areas. Scored on the pizza, I have a tummy ach still to prove that, but it was very 3 little bears on the bars… Still looking. 

She is an unexpected kink pot. The man she’s engaged to is the only person she’s ever slept with, but her toy collection puts mine to shame. They painted her bedroom and had help from friends. At the end her bf turns to her and goes ” should we put the straps back in the bed now or wait until they leave”. So even a near virgin has her kinks.

Then last night I met with a friend that I’ve been trying to see for months. He was married in India and the wedding was spectalur. It would have cost a million bucks in the us. He brought me back an evening clutch and wrap in red and gold that I will treasure forever.

After that I ran towards the ferry. I had to repeat to myself over and over…. Bklyn, go to bklyn. I felt my body wanting to get on the boat instead. So I went into the terminal quick, just to use the restroom.

Then off to the train. I sit down across from a pre surg tg woman. Well kept, boobs and all and deciding I’ve had a couple of drinks and hell I consider her a girl, I flirt. No talking, just eyes and body. She had to get up twice because I was giving her a hard on. lol, tg is not my thing nor a fantasy I have, but I hadn’t had time to flirt with anyone that day. The bar was filled with guys from the street and the only female was my favorite bartender and that would not have been good. I already get free drinks from her without flirting.

As I got out of the train…. Female a was 10 minutes away! God I’ve missed her. We had a great night of walking and talking and hugs. Even as straight as she is, when we hang out its always a good time. We really understand each other.

All during the day, Sir was trying to set up a surprise for me. Talking with the artist. Tonight there may be drinks with her and her husband. 

I told female a that i had given up having a beautiful Russian girl lick me to be with her. She slapped me playfully and then looked at me and said “oh god, you’re not even kidding?”. She laughed a good long time. She said I’m the only person that amazes her with my sexual freedom and she wished she could be like that. She can’t though. She is a chronic emotional mess. Falling in love with one night stands and such. I told her there’s nothing wrong with having people you feel genuine emotions for and then having people that you enjoy there company and have sex with. She can’t grasp that concept… Well, yes she can, but she’s not to the point that she can do it.

Funny conversation with little R. We had a discussion re her see though pants (ass only) and that even at a size 4 (her) and 6(me) we are curvy. Sir thinks curvy when used in a descriptor is a nice way of saying plus size, but we agreed it just means you have a big ass! So she turns to me and says that’s because you’re older, I held back the slap I wanted to give her since we were at work, then said I mean that in a good way, like your a total cougar. Then proceeds to say “you don’t have blowjob lips, but damn you have eyes I would want to cum on”.  Ha, way to recover from a future beating I was planning!! 

So the kinky vanilla continues today. My old work husband is stopping by. He is in an open marriage. I thought he’d come with his girlfriend, but turns out he’s bringing the wife and kids. It’ll be nice, I haven’t seen them in ages. We’ve been friends now for about 15 years. 


I knew this would happen.

It’s odd because I’m sitting at my desk, prepping for a meeting and I just became so very sad.

I love the new place and its location. I made plenty of plans to keep me busy and surrounded by good people, but ….I’m lonely.

I feel isolated.

I feel like I’m so removed from everyone.

Sir is worried that I’ve been so tired, but the more I think about it, maybe I’m just depressed. I know that I did the right thing by starting over, but I’m sad to see my old life disappearing.

I’m sad to see the old me disappearing. I knew her so well.


the chains helped and I was able to get a good nights sleep. I awoke at 5 am because my body heat had made them extremely hot, but there was a good sized puddle.

My stomach has decided to take all of my stress and it feels like knives sticking me.

I just keep thinking only today and tomorrow then for 2 glourious days I can forget about all of the stress. Granted the bills and debt and empty refrigerator will still be there, but I need to loose weight anyway.

This weekend will be filled with people I’ve been missing. Friday and Saturday, old friends, sunday is a munch that’s only 2 blocks away. I don’t see myself staying long, but I’m interested to meet some local likeminded people. Maybe I can even get that phone number, so Sir will let me cum.

I’m also getting nervous because my internet is still not working and the tech they sent out still hasn’t found the problem. If I can’t get this fixed I’m not sure if it’s even possible for Sir to visit next week.

I find that the week prior to his visits I have problems. I get…. Cold. My ability to feel fades. Like I said last night, I forget.

Remind me

….because I do forget.

When Sir is gone and my stress goes up I forget. I forget the slave feeling. I have routines and my limits pushed, but ….

Tonight home from yoga with no number and not from lack of trying. Sir said I would plug, but no o’s, just edges. 25 in just a few minutes, walking and fucking my slave hole with my fingers in my cunt. I cried and begged. Even denied I feel….better.

Subspace was not long lasting but my mind is still. Thank you sir for reminding me of who I am. Your good girl and mushy slave.