Work 

Time is at a premium today. I have meetings overlapping meetings about other meetings.

My stomach is sick with stress. My brain is fried. I need a break from all of this.

The stress levels are so high that even yesterday with the Luna’s in, edging was hard. Also my mother called right after they went in, so that might have also had an effect on my reaction.

I had a nice chat with the queen yesterday. We made plans to meet and that’s exciting, but girls still ….. Scare me (for lack of better words).

Plus today is phone number day. Hey, maybe I did that already, technically I got my supers phone number, she’s a woman? Lol, today I have to ask one of the yoga girls for her number, even if I don’t use it, Sir wants me to be more comfy with flirting and speaking to other woman that I’m attracted to. I just squirm thinking of it (not in a good way), but I obey, so I’ll do it.

Any females I’ve had connections with have turned out to be filled with drama that they drag me into or they disappear, or both.

Examples:

The artist-disappeared

Fet girl-disappeared

Vs-drama

N-drama

There’s more, but see the pattern….. And it’s funny because I really ask nothing more than friendship and/or occasional play. 

The common factor in all of these is their primary partners. Each one had jealously issues. My response, then don’t have an open relationship, don’t have play partners. 

It’s funny that new me looks forward to hearing others adventures and there’s no jealousy associated, but in their defense I’m not sure how I would react if it was Sir telling me these stories. So maybe it’s understandable. I’m just tired and rambling.

I can’t wait to see Sir, 8 more days. Then I can feel like myself again. Right now I have no balance, it’s all work and stress. I’m back to living for the weekend. I just keep saying, it’s temporary. This to shall pass.

Reality bites

my eyes are half closed. My soul is tired. 

Opening my emails and my work load has sky rocketed. I even have meetings this weekend. 

There is still a list of things that need to be done, mostly by the mgt company in the apartment.

I miss Sir. Today is a very mushy day.

There’s much to do prior to his visit and all I want to do is sleep.

On a brighter note… I was able to get to spin and my commute was 15 minutes from door to time clock. See sir, glass half full.

My main goal today is to organize and stay awake!

No dreams, my cunt is dry and my slave is well hidden. I don’t feel normal, but I’m glad to not have cunt brain, since I have too much to do.

Weird things and foot fetishes

sir said for me to treat myself to brunch and get the times. A perfect Sunday morning.

After 3 delis, no times, so I got the news and coffee. I was headed to an irish tea room, but like most small businesses they were closed for the weekend. It was still enjoyable. After I set out to find some good organic stores and specialty store. I think I may have found the best bread ever!! 

Then strolling back I heard singing….not just singing but a choir. They sounded like angels. I did something I haven’t in ages (unless I’m with Sir), I rounded the corner and went into the church. I only stayed for 10 minutes, but it was the first time I had ever just went to church. God and I had a falling out long ago and according to the Catholic Church I’ve been damned since birth…so….

Then home again. Plugged in the phone and told Sir about the cutest little hardware store. The old man just retired and his daughter is selling everything. I spent a half an hour talking to her as she showed me old pictures of her father and grandfather before. It has some of the most amazing old things.

Back out again, looking for a nail salon.   After peeking into 10 I finally found one that was super clean and even reasonably priced!!! 

Now the queen and I share the aversion to foot fetishes. Any dancer will tell you the feet are off limits!! Lol, except those spoiled ballroom ones. After all the walking and moving I treated myself. I said sure give me the spa pedicure! My feet feel like a million bucks. 

Today’s mood:productive!

Outside

so first friday in the new place.

Sir Said old me would stay in, but new me should go out. 

The plan was doggies in hand to find an outside place to have a drink. The fireworks scared the dogs so back in they went. 

I get to the corner alone and have the choice of left or right. My old self always chooses right, so I fought my judgement and made a left.

With Ramadan in full swing, the streets were full of families. One sidewalk bar, too packed to sit. Another open air eatery was closing, so coffee sounded like a great idea. A picture taken and sent to show Sir the new girl on her first night alone.

It was …. Lol, is freedom. I live in a building I’ve passed a hundred times. Always thinking how nice life would be if I could just live here.

Yesterday not much in the way of unpacking was done, so up early today. A new list of things to do before my family gets me.

More toilet paper??

im in….the universe really tested my coping skills. Even to the last minute. My mother goes ahead of the movers, to unlock the door and…..up the only not new thing, breaks. So she calls the super and proceeds to break into the apartment by destroying the lock.

It was a long day, many friends to help and only a couple of boxes left to unpack.

Little R As promised got her box to unpack. She tried to steal my face strap on! The only thing she really didn’t like was the corse rope. It was cute and my cousin and her took some clothes pins as souvenirs.

I felt bad that Sir and I have had a hard time getting to talk. Every time we trued something happened. So a sweet tuck in was the only private time there was yesterday.

I also enjoyed such careing messages from the queen (see she has a name now!). There were times I became overwhelmed and she expressed such kindness. I find myself unusually drawn to her.

So today, doggies walked, banking done and i giant iced coffee, all in a block radius. It’s going to be a really good start, to a freedom to live, that I’ve never know.

Today’s mood…ecstatic!

Independence Day

4 hours of sleep under my belt and it’s time to start moving. My cousin is taking a nap. Have to wake c in an hour and I’m ready.

Sir sent a very encouraging email, thank you. It will be a day of ups and downs, but I have a good support staff.

C was a total pain in the ass last night. I had a task that I was looking forward to, but she just wouldn’t give me any privacy. I think she thought I was too fragile to be left alone, but no that wasn’t it. My cunt was dripping a day…well until she got here. She has an automatic off switch on my body. I love her but damn if she can’t bring a mood down.

Lots to do but I find myself at a stand still for the next hour.

Tonight will be fun. I’m saving my toy box for little R to unpack. That should tesult in a few good laughs.

A girlfriend?

to say my past with most women suck is an understatement. There was my old crazy best friend m…and the cast of characters I’ve wrote about here.

Yesterday Sir found a profile on Cs and it was of a “girl” local looking for a girlfriend. I was a little taken back that he would suggest that. After messages and pics “she” he was going to call. Like most, no call ever came and it was most likely a guy or a fake, but it prompted the discussion.

Now I do have great connections with some girls. Most are in drama filled relationships that I carefully navigate. Then there’s one that is as far away as Sir. The more we chat, the more I adore her. 

So he said he thought that a girl like that would be good for me. She was good with him since he was living far away and visits monthly.

His concerns he raised after thinking last night as most always (slight eye roll) are valid.

He likes that I want to go to events and munches, but he can’t always come up and he would feel better if I had someone trust worthy to go with. Also with this move as this morning has already proven there is going to be some depression. I’m leaving everyone I know. Not that I’m going far, but just far enough and truth is I know no one. He liked the idea of someone to come over and hang out, cook, chat ,drink wine and cuddle with.

It’s not a thought I’d ever had. Even though I’ve identified as bi, the thought of having an actual relationship with a girl was not something I’ve been ok with. The truth being I need connection. This random play partners thing is fine, but it’s becoming as empty as swinging. 

Oddly it doesn’t mean I’ll stop either….but it was a new thing I’ve never thought of.

Cry bitch

thats actually the title of a play list on my phone and appropriately describes my morning commute.

Pandora decided to play every heart destroying song it could, so sunglasses on I silently cried my way to work.

I’ve been awake since 3am due to the storms and every car alarm going off at once. My mood was happy, joyful and I new that was going to take a turn.

I showed up at my mothers house to her already crying…her last day to take me to the bus stop.

Then on the bus I start thinking…..what the fuck is wrong with me that I would make this move on what could have been my 9th anniversary. Thinking that 9 years ago at this time I was laying out my dress….so happy and young and hopeful (fuck now I’m crying again)

Break…more later.

I ended up taking off monday too. I think I’m going to need a day to recover and sleep from all of these emotions. 

I don’t want to feel bitter, but a part of me is. What did I do that I don’t get to have a family and kids and that white picket fence dream?? (Screaming to the universe)…..why?

I know I’m not wired for vanilla, but why can’t I have both, why was it a choice that’s decision was thrust upon me with no input as to what I want?

This is the point I want to give up. Shut down…hide. I’m just too tired to feel any more. It hurts too bad.