My issues

Last night I wrote a post before my nap….to much wine and I get beyond a mush (see below)

 When I woke up I deleted it, thinking I didn’t want anyone to see it. I wanted to just shut it down. Not overthink who I am.

I know it has some value and is part of the reason I’m off lately. I had an identity. I still do but its evolving. 

There are times I wish I could just say I’m straight, I’m gay, I’m …… Just one thing, hell is even settle for being 2 things. Instead I’m all jumbled up inside. I am so many things. Sometimes too many things. Ugh, I just wish I could sleep, I’m so tired. 

So below is the post. I should not have deleted it. 

  

Just a nap

i don’t nap… I sleep.

After dinner and for me more wine than I should have had…. Just a nap. 

Around 8 Sir layed down and I cleaned up a bit. Checking on him he said just a few minutes…. Cuddle. I woke at midnight. I should not be trusted to ever take a nap.

I promised Sir is help him with his sleep issues but mine are just as bad. At least the sleep has been of good quality, just very sporadic. He stayed up much later than I did.

Seems all my body wants is sleep. My mind is overloaded.

But it’s monday so off to the office I go…..

Fetishing without friends

last night we went back to the nice space party. No one we knew was going. Strange because there’s a pretty large group of people that we associate with.

There were parts of the night that reminded me of a kinky high school dance almost. 

Sir likes to socialize so we had many odd discussion with people. There was the green nurse and the catholic   orthodox from Texas. They got him drunk as I was taking a little nap outside. The Doms assistant and his domme. Lol and we even talked to old subbie guy. Seems odd since we’ve both known him since the 90’s and never even said hi. Rug guy was there as always.

Lol the line of the night from a CHINESE school girl was I’d love to spank you but I have to pee on this guy first… As she was squatting over a pool.

It seemed much more comical in parts than sexy.

We had a nice long talk outside, both opening up about some things from our past that we held back prior.

I did get my cuffs and crappy purple vibrator back and that was great. They somehow ended up hidden behind a bar somewhere. I’m guessing whoever took it realized it was not money ditched it there.

The last time we were there there was a time that an extension cord really would have come in handy for the Brazilian and her Dom. So we had taken a seat and at the same time looked to our lefts to see….yup a buch if extension cords. It was a moment we both laughed and though now where’s the braxiliams and their hitachi!

I was pretty out of sorts and not my normal self. So no scenes but still every party and event is an adventure. The MTA made the entire night a challenge by having service changes all over the place.

The theme was back to school and I was going as the typical slutty school girl but do to some wardrobing issues ended up a librarian. A roll im much more comfortable with anyway.

I was just tired, the stresses of this week mounting I woke up and then said I’ll just nap a little longer and I opened my eyes to see its now the afternoon. Sir wanted to explore Bklyn but I think it may wait till another day.

Sir and I came to 2 conclusions one either we both drink or neither do and two we will seriously consider passing on parties if we don’t know anyone going.

This tired slave needs a shower….. 

Happy

shortest blog ever…. Today I am happy. More later, heading out the door.

Hurt on a Stage Fantasy

This is also a fantasy that I have and scares me to death but also makes my cunt drip.

I like the idea of being hurt on a stage. So in a bar, maybe, or a restaurant, so there’s some kind of small performance space, and I’m on it. I’m there, with spotlights on me and attention while a room full of people watch and drink and talk. Or perhaps even eat. And I […]

http://lusthurts.com/2015/08/28/hurt-on-a-stage-fantasy/

Anger issues

I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of months. My feelings and emotions are not as hidden as they were. Some people in my vanilla life ask what’s wrong? to them it must look like I’m carting around a heavy burden. Others like c say they hadn’t seen me this happy in years.

The issue I have is when you stop hiding your emotions and start dealing with them, you don’t get to choose. I get angry again. The kind of anger that burns you from the inside.

It’s an emotion that is always followed by tears. I had stopped getting angry when I was 18. I used to go into black rages where I remembered little. This is something my mother and her father also deLt with. I find because of my nature I don’t ever (unlike them) send that rage towards others. I get angry only at myself.

It’s just one more thing I have to deal with.

Yesterday was not all bad.

Again I still hold back when it concerns her. She will be traveling soon and I want more than anything for her to find joy in this trip. Not to be taking a burden of me with her. I want her to come back to me with stories of the most beautiful things and people. To be happy.

One day I’ll be able to write more…. Descriptively, just not yet.

Little R declared that I am her best friend. Lol it was cute. She’s a royal pain in my ass but a good side kick none the less. I did after a moments thought agree. This little 10 year younger distorted version of me is the damn closest thing I have to a vanilla best friend aside from c. Unlike c she doesn’t hate me.

Sir comes in tomorrow. I miss him, his calm and presence. It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been together. It’s a visit that I hope he sees the changes in me for the good and I don’t mean just my pretty good tan.

Fears can change you…

So I couldn’t sleep and write this last night. My intention to post it first thing in the morning. I think the sentiment is still true.

 Honestly I was just going to trash it, crawl back into my little hole and post that I was busy at work. 

But here is a view into a small part of me, there’s much more, but I don’t want to write it now.

……Sometimes for the better.
Last week I had the biggest fear.

It was that having feelings for more than just one person was going to rip me apart. That I would have to juggle, not them, but my emotions. That I would end up alone.

I’m coming to see that it doesn’t have to be like that. My emotions for them are the same… Up to a point that they are different.

I am affectionate to them both. When I’m in eithers presence I just have a need to touch them. A physical attraction to the people they are. I want to talk to them about nothing and everything. 

Sir being so different than me, the ying to my yang. 

Her being so similar to me, a kindred soul in this messy world.

Both so sentimental and so similar in their appreciation of all things beautiful.

Sir had pegged me right, that I had the capability to care for people, regardless of sex or age or any outside factors. It’s the connection that my soul requires. I strive to treat people as I want to be treated.

I find that I hesitate writing about her in this open forum. That’s something I need to get over.

Another same but different is our bdsm.

With Sir it is established, no blurred lines…. He is my owner, I am his slave.

With her the power flows back and forth in an more even flow. At certain parts of our weekend we were less “D/s” in the sense that there was no discussion but more of a natural power exchange.

I find my experience as a vanilla bi girl so ….lacking. I can see why I was able to put it away for so many years. The vanilla girls I knew, it was just fun, maybe they thought a little kinky, but there was no feelings, friendship yes, but I didn’t long to care for them as I do with her.

And even the odd vanilla man that was “ok” with my sexuality never would have the ability to understand my need of an emotional connection, when Sir encourages it.

So with all of the stress and bad news lately, I still find that my heart is in a good place, full and happy. 

Oddly I think this turn in my mindframe will benefit many (friends,family, hell even my coworkers) 

I had never wanted to be cold, it came from years of fear. Fear that my heart would be broken. Now I’m learning to trust in myself and others to feel again.

Another “u up?”

The international sign things are …. Well, not good.

Again I suck at being a person sometimes. 

I’ve been so wrapped up in my life and worries about my mother, I forgot about C. She had a test Monday and we like to kid that us together in an airport is a security nightmare. We both have multiple biopsy markers and every time we go…they find something new.

So well after midnight I get that dreaded text. She had gotten her results. It could be worse, but it’s still pretty bad. They have schedualed a more comprehensive biopsy and if they can’t get the precancerous cells she has signed the papers for them to do a mastectomy.

She sent me the diagnosis and treatment straight from the results, knowing I would understand and she would not have to type out those words. Everyone was asleep in her house and she feared if she called she would cry and wake them. 

We joked about the time over 20 years ago that we sat at her job going through the  Sports illustrated swimsuit edition, picking out our boobs that we would get when we had money. Had money…..not this!

Even with all of this stress, I’m not breaking. I know it’s because of the support I have from Sir and also now from her. It makes me even more grateful that I am lucky enough to have found…. Or been found by such caring people. 

I wrote to Sir this morning “Just when I think I know the depths of your character, you shock me (in such a good way) by being…. Even more.” His ability to see me, even when I can’t is astounding.

Today is busy. 

Busy is a good thing.

Later my mother will come over. I know she is stressed not having her results back. I won’t tell her about C. I’ll tell her later, after we know she’s ok. 

I’ll deal with her reprimands. Her telling me I should not absorb everyone else’s problems, but I do. It’s not something I see as a character flaw. I take them in an effort to unburden those I care for, so when I miss something especially this big…. I carry guilt for it. My hope is that she knows I care and I should have called her earlier.

A good talk

you see… In the past few weeks sir has been sick, then super busy with work and his sleeping is all messed up, so we communicate, but it was not like normal. Then there was the drop and all this subby girl introspection stuff going on. 

Yesterday our anniversary I had intended to call him quick when I got in, then back again for our 6 pm call. It was a first, well since the first. A tuesday at 6….and we were already in the phone, so in the middle of our conversation we stopped said happy 8 months. It’s sentimental and that’s always a good thing.

We had a nice good long talk, the type we’d have at the table. We spoke of many things and told stories and share opinions. I noticed that I’m becoming much more vocal and was able to better explain myself to him. Not to say I can’t carry a conversation, but I was able to be much clearer when discussing my feelings. I don’t know if I noticed it because the drop had me so foggy for so long or if I’m just seeing the changes in me because I’m looking for them now.

I told him certain things I am handling much differently. I had a friend that asked for a recommendation letter. That was on Friday. I promised…. But life gets in the way. So this morning I get a pissed off text saying don’t bother. I said I’d do it today, sorry. He said “right”. The way I responded was simple “sometimes I suck as a human. I will send it today”. I did and if I must say it was a damn great letter. He replied “thank you”. So I admitted, no excuses, I fucked up. This is something I didn’t realize Sir taught me. When you mess crap up take responsibility, no excuses. 

After our long talk, gym time. God it was hard and I was a sweaty mess, but I feel like I can conquer the world because I survived that class.

On the way home I had a voicemail. Sir was replaying our conversation and wanted me to know he was happy for me. I was waiting for a but…. And at the end of the message, there was none. I didn’t say, why no but? I didn’t overthink his message, Nope I just smiled and silently said thank you Sir.

I even went home and told him that. No hesitation, just told him. I didn’t play out what I would say, I just spoke. That’s such a hard thing for me to do. Plus I told him about watching a guy get head while walking the dogs. Hey, I can’t help it, I like to watch☺️

Side note: She sent me such a sweet gift. A copy of a book, something dear to her. Complete with a back story about the author. A lovely note. 

She read the first chapter to me. It was so oddly comforting. To be an adult you leave childish things behind. We forget the simple stuff. We forget what kept the nightmares away. It was never the words or the stories, but the person taking time out of their lives for just you.

Another thing for NewMe, to read. To escape into the world of words again outside this blog! Hmmm funny in life I’ve been one or the other, always, either a reader or a writer. Time to find the balance and become both.

More later… Work time.

8 Months from OldMe to NewMe

Sir asked yesterday why I’ve been rehashing the past so much lately?

For the first time I believe I was able to fully express to him why.

Old me used to bury crap….shove stuff down far and not get over anything.

NewMe is dealing with stuff. I’m stronger, not just in my submission, but in my independence as well. Instead of denying feelings, I’ve started to embrase them.

Dealing with the past is a finial step in allowing me to be open to a future unburdened by history. That’s not to say that I am trying to forget. There are lessons in the past and those experiences have put me on the  path to being the person I so wish to become.

The NewMe I envision has the ability to feel and love all the beautiful things that life has to offer. 

I know I’m not there yet, but each month I grow. 8 months ago a scared girl made a nervous phone call that changed her life.

Sir had said to trust him and hold his hand. It took much convincing but with kind words and baby steps he has kept me safe and cared for what is becoming quite a tender heart.

All of the kinky adventures documented here are more than just getting off or experiments. They are limits being pushed and bonding moments of trust. 

I don’t really know what I expected when I first typed in “looking for a new master”, but I know nothing could have prepared me for how much that statement could change me.

In the beginning I always asked Sir, “what’s next?” I don’t know if Sir even knows that answer any more.

But since I like lists so much:

Tangible:

A new home

Intangible:

A peace in my mind

The ability to love myself

A new openness to feel for others

Trust 

I could keep going, but I’ll stick to the high level stuff.

Happy almost 8months Sir!