My issues

Last night I wrote a post before my nap….to much wine and I get beyond a mush (see below)

 When I woke up I deleted it, thinking I didn’t want anyone to see it. I wanted to just shut it down. Not overthink who I am.

I know it has some value and is part of the reason I’m off lately. I had an identity. I still do but its evolving. 

There are times I wish I could just say I’m straight, I’m gay, I’m …… Just one thing, hell is even settle for being 2 things. Instead I’m all jumbled up inside. I am so many things. Sometimes too many things. Ugh, I just wish I could sleep, I’m so tired. 

So below is the post. I should not have deleted it. 



Just a nap

i don’t nap… I sleep.

After dinner and for me more wine than I should have had…. Just a nap. 

Around 8 Sir layed down and I cleaned up a bit. Checking on him he said just a few minutes…. Cuddle. I woke at midnight. I should not be trusted to ever take a nap.

I promised Sir is help him with his sleep issues but mine are just as bad. At least the sleep has been of good quality, just very sporadic. He stayed up much later than I did.

Seems all my body wants is sleep. My mind is overloaded.

But it’s monday so off to the office I go…..

Fetishing without friends

last night we went back to the nice space party. No one we knew was going. Strange because there’s a pretty large group of people that we associate with.

There were parts of the night that reminded me of a kinky high school dance almost. 

Sir likes to socialize so we had many odd discussion with people. There was the green nurse and the catholic   orthodox from Texas. They got him drunk as I was taking a little nap outside. The Doms assistant and his domme. Lol and we even talked to old subbie guy. Seems odd since we’ve both known him since the 90’s and never even said hi. Rug guy was there as always.

Lol the line of the night from a CHINESE school girl was I’d love to spank you but I have to pee on this guy first… As she was squatting over a pool.

It seemed much more comical in parts than sexy.

We had a nice long talk outside, both opening up about some things from our past that we held back prior.

I did get my cuffs and crappy purple vibrator back and that was great. They somehow ended up hidden behind a bar somewhere. I’m guessing whoever took it realized it was not money ditched it there.

The last time we were there there was a time that an extension cord really would have come in handy for the Brazilian and her Dom. So we had taken a seat and at the same time looked to our lefts to see….yup a buch if extension cords. It was a moment we both laughed and though now where’s the braxiliams and their hitachi!

I was pretty out of sorts and not my normal self. So no scenes but still every party and event is an adventure. The MTA made the entire night a challenge by having service changes all over the place.

The theme was back to school and I was going as the typical slutty school girl but do to some wardrobing issues ended up a librarian. A roll im much more comfortable with anyway.

I was just tired, the stresses of this week mounting I woke up and then said I’ll just nap a little longer and I opened my eyes to see its now the afternoon. Sir wanted to explore Bklyn but I think it may wait till another day.

Sir and I came to 2 conclusions one either we both drink or neither do and two we will seriously consider passing on parties if we don’t know anyone going.

This tired slave needs a shower….. 

Hurt on a Stage Fantasy

This is also a fantasy that I have and scares me to death but also makes my cunt drip.

I like the idea of being hurt on a stage. So in a bar, maybe, or a restaurant, so there’s some kind of small performance space, and I’m on it. I’m there, with spotlights on me and attention while a room full of people watch and drink and talk. Or perhaps even eat. And I […]

Anger issues

I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of months. My feelings and emotions are not as hidden as they were. Some people in my vanilla life ask what’s wrong? to them it must look like I’m carting around a heavy burden. Others like c say they hadn’t seen me this happy in years.

The issue I have is when you stop hiding your emotions and start dealing with them, you don’t get to choose. I get angry again. The kind of anger that burns you from the inside.

It’s an emotion that is always followed by tears. I had stopped getting angry when I was 18. I used to go into black rages where I remembered little. This is something my mother and her father also deLt with. I find because of my nature I don’t ever (unlike them) send that rage towards others. I get angry only at myself.

It’s just one more thing I have to deal with.

Yesterday was not all bad.

Again I still hold back when it concerns her. She will be traveling soon and I want more than anything for her to find joy in this trip. Not to be taking a burden of me with her. I want her to come back to me with stories of the most beautiful things and people. To be happy.

One day I’ll be able to write more…. Descriptively, just not yet.

Little R declared that I am her best friend. Lol it was cute. She’s a royal pain in my ass but a good side kick none the less. I did after a moments thought agree. This little 10 year younger distorted version of me is the damn closest thing I have to a vanilla best friend aside from c. Unlike c she doesn’t hate me.

Sir comes in tomorrow. I miss him, his calm and presence. It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been together. It’s a visit that I hope he sees the changes in me for the good and I don’t mean just my pretty good tan.

Fears can change you…

So I couldn’t sleep and write this last night. My intention to post it first thing in the morning. I think the sentiment is still true.

 Honestly I was just going to trash it, crawl back into my little hole and post that I was busy at work. 

But here is a view into a small part of me, there’s much more, but I don’t want to write it now.

……Sometimes for the better.
Last week I had the biggest fear.

It was that having feelings for more than just one person was going to rip me apart. That I would have to juggle, not them, but my emotions. That I would end up alone.

I’m coming to see that it doesn’t have to be like that. My emotions for them are the same… Up to a point that they are different.

I am affectionate to them both. When I’m in eithers presence I just have a need to touch them. A physical attraction to the people they are. I want to talk to them about nothing and everything. 

Sir being so different than me, the ying to my yang. 

Her being so similar to me, a kindred soul in this messy world.

Both so sentimental and so similar in their appreciation of all things beautiful.

Sir had pegged me right, that I had the capability to care for people, regardless of sex or age or any outside factors. It’s the connection that my soul requires. I strive to treat people as I want to be treated.

I find that I hesitate writing about her in this open forum. That’s something I need to get over.

Another same but different is our bdsm.

With Sir it is established, no blurred lines…. He is my owner, I am his slave.

With her the power flows back and forth in an more even flow. At certain parts of our weekend we were less “D/s” in the sense that there was no discussion but more of a natural power exchange.

I find my experience as a vanilla bi girl so ….lacking. I can see why I was able to put it away for so many years. The vanilla girls I knew, it was just fun, maybe they thought a little kinky, but there was no feelings, friendship yes, but I didn’t long to care for them as I do with her.

And even the odd vanilla man that was “ok” with my sexuality never would have the ability to understand my need of an emotional connection, when Sir encourages it.

So with all of the stress and bad news lately, I still find that my heart is in a good place, full and happy. 

Oddly I think this turn in my mindframe will benefit many (friends,family, hell even my coworkers) 

I had never wanted to be cold, it came from years of fear. Fear that my heart would be broken. Now I’m learning to trust in myself and others to feel again.