Awake and ok

This morning was the first time I woke up and I was ok with my life. 

I don’t mean I wake up with dread or anything so bad. It’s just I’ve been waking up not knowing where I am or what the hell I’m doing.

Instead I woke up just a bit sore and was able to go on autopilot through a new morning routine without thinking “what the hell did I forget?”. So I guess I’m settling in.

My mind is not so jumpy and fragmented as it had been. I’m secure that I’m Sir’s. I have to admit in the past I’ve questioned and doubted him. It’s not anything he’s said or done, but I’m just really used to people lying to me. I’m starting to come around to the fact that I actually have a good and functional relationship. I had one before, but we were young and grew apart as people.

I will still do the enivitable and question Sir….but just to reaffirm that we are ok. Poor guy, always getting the   “If I may ask” “are you really ok with this” message or the “are you talking to other subs” or even the “something feels off….are we ok?”. They are my way of just checking. I’ve had relationships that started good and then through….neglect and selfishness they would unravel. 

As I change and grow I’m really tring to hush the (not devil) insecure voice in my head. I’ve gone through this before. The feeling of me not being enough. I think it stems from being cheated on and lied to so often. You really start to expect it, search for it and if you can’t find it, your imagination starts to make it up. Your own little brain can destroy the trust just by ….. Nothing really. 

I still question sometimes how I am allowed other partners when he is away, but he takes none. The bad voice questions…the good one accepts.

When I had started searching for a Dom after my ex, I really had low expectations. I didn’t think I did, but realistically I was hoping for a actual real person, someone that would pay me some attention, someone that could make me come and not much else.

I need more, but I guess I didn’t think I deserved it. I put that I wanted a real partner in this lifestyle, but I never imagined so emotionally supported as I am. I think that this is all coming up as my friendships and relationships with those around me are starting to change. I’m no longer as tight lipped about who I am, as I once was. Even some vanilla friends know about my D/s relationship. 

He’s also really been helping me to grasp that I can have healthy relationship with females. That I’m not the girl I was and that with his support I will be able to surround myself with good quality people.

I wish I could express to those that have no understanding of what D/s is how beneficial it can be. It’s not about the whip (that I love) or the chains (yup, love them too). It’s more about knowing and being happy with your role in life. It’s finding the missing peice or even in some cases peices that make you happy to wake up in the morning.

Oops time for this slave to go be domme and boss around some directors!

Ps….hoping my dearest friend is ok, I’ve thought about her and her family all night. Sending my hugs…

2 thoughts on “Awake and ok”

  1. I have just entered back into the lifestyle of D/s after a bad attempt at it a year ago. I completely understand your thoughts and comments. It is nice to not be the only one that feels this way.

    Liked by 1 person

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