Its the time of the month that I contact my ex husband. We still have financial ties that will not be servered until next year.
In discussing finances with him I realized a few things.
We’ve know each other since I was a messed up little girl. He was the first man that ever stood up for me. When the whole school was calling me a whore he defended me both verbally and when needed physically.
We’ve broken up hundreds of times, but there is an underlying reason “we” will never and could never work.
Since he left….he has gotten his own place,taken charge of his finances, become an adult at the age of 40. When he saw that financially he couldn’t make it he got not one but two side jobs. In the past old me would have said …ok, he’s fixing the things (except that not keeping his dick in his pants and lying about it crap) so I’ll give him yet another shot.
New me knows the “why” now. It’s because he doesn’t have me, his own personal service sub. I made it so he never had to do those things. He was never accountable when we were together. My nature made him lazy and a child.
It hurts to see him doing well. Not that I want him to fail, but because it’s my fault he wasn’t like this before. Truth is he may have wanted to protect me, but he just wasn’t a Dom.
So now the new me sees this and for the second time today…I cry. I cry at the mistakes I made. The other lives I fucked up.
In the past I thought I was the Dom one in the relationship, but as it turns out….there was none and that’s why it failed.
So in my attempt to get my cash flow issues sorted out today I came to this conclusion and guess what? It sucks!
For all of the years I took care of him, he now at least is making the attempt to set things right.
The cycle is broken and by the end of the year the papers will be filed and another chapter of my life will end.
I really am so afraid of being alone.
Oh and Damn WordPress decided to crash everytime I go to set a picture!