Work….just too much work 

that is my day in a nutshell. Meetings, documents.

Then I get to leave this wonderful (oozing sarcasm) place and deal with ex husband and my mother.

He’s buttering me up for something. I have some theories. One is knows the time Mark is coming close and he stands to loose a nice chuck of change is he doesn’t get off his ass and file a separation or divorce. Second, he’s been with someone else for a while and trust me if you thought I was a sentimental mushy mess, he’s a hundred times worse. So there’s the possibility that either she’s pregnant or they are engaged.

Either way….something is amiss.

My mother is easy, she just wants money, as always I support her as the parent and do without to make sure her life is comfortable. So I’ll give her cash and listen to her work problems and friend issues, pick out her clothes for her, all the while staying silent about my problems. Wearing that vanilla mask, morphing into you typical yuppie next door, trying to start over at almost 40, you all know the type, outside everything is good, inside she fights back tears every moment of every day.

Funny since Sir first got the tears to fall with the whip, they don’t stop. I’ve cried more in 2015 than I have since I blew out my ankle and knee and stopped dancing.

There’s a part of me that hates it, that wants to shut it down and go back to what my ex’s brother called me the “ice queen”.

I’m not freaking or bailing into vanilla but it’s a thought. An easy way out. I’m just as good at feeling nothing at all as I am at feeling everything x100.

Last night I had expressed some concerns and fears to Sir. I had bizzarrre emotional spurts yesterday. I felt as though a part of me liked this weekend too much and maybe I’m not bi, but a closet lesbian. Then another random thought, since I have such strong affection towards her, am I cheating on Sir? Did I put my ability to serve him in jeopardy?

I know now…all my crazy thoughts are just me stressing, overthinking and self sabatoging, like I always do.

Sex is easy, emotions suck.

Flip side, I’m empty without them.

I also realized that yes Sir has filled a large part of that hole I walked around with, but not the whole thing. I guess that is what being truley bi is, needing the love of a man and a woman. Im just not wired for one or the other, I need to have that spiritual connection to both.

I wrote to Sir in an email:

“It was perfect, but I will always try to find the issue in anything that is too good.

Plus it makes all the play partners seem even more empty….more wrong.

tears again.

How do I handle multiple partners while needing to bond and mesh with them to get anywhere near the head space I do with you and her?(question to myself)

Why are you both so far away?”

The more I think, the distance is a good thing, without it I would have no balance, I would loose myself and drown in a sea of feelings and emotions. This way, I shut it down, I wear the masks I need to in order to survive.

Sir gave me tasks, good pain with the clovers on my clit and tit, he allowed me to cum as much as I wanted in one minute. He also told me all good, smart submissives girls overthink things. I’m not a bother to him. I needed to hear that.

I also spoke to her. For some reason I don’t want to document our phone calls. I’ll figure that out some other time.

Plus it’s nanas week, I miss her so, I know she would have such good advise and she would hold me tight and dry my tears.

 Lol, then tell me to go fix my face, poor me a drink, offer me food and tell me shed buy me a new outfit if I lost 5 pounds!

 Oh she was something else! My mother never learned the way she needed to respond.

I did. Put on lipstick, take a small sip of the drink, turn down the food and make plans to go shopping that weekend! 

So this weekend I’ll buy a crappy trashy book and lipstick, have a damn good cry, a sip of Sirs scotch and …lol, loose 5 pounds.

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