Dreaming again

yesterday’s drop was pretty terrible.

I cried so much, but today I’m better, still an absolute mush, but I have mascara on again, so it’s a step forward.

Sir was busy, but sent me 2 messages and one a good job saying what nana would have, so thank you.

She also sent me a very special email, letting me see this weekend through her eyes, ones so similar to mine.

I just wanted to reach through the phone lines and hug her. Hug her so damn hard she could feel my heart ready to explode.

Oddly in hindsight yesterday wasn’t bad. My mother was her typical self, but she could tell something was up and like a good kid didn’t pressure me. My ex was almost enjoyable to be around. He wanted advise and we even shared a drink. There was a decade we were nothing more than friends and I think we’d both like to return to that phase in our relationship.

Today should be ok. 

Not that I won’t be replaying certain moments, but  I’m processing. There was a time only months ago these feeling would have had me running.

I would have told Sir and her I can’t, I’m done. Instead I know what I need always scares me at first. I’m learning to trust. Trust that what brings me joy is not bad.  

I drempt of a long walk holding hands. Simple and sweet. Back to the apartment smelling of mistletoe. A kiss in every doorway. Then kneeling, kneeling for the 2 of them. No pain, but so many tears running down my face. So many happy happy good tears.

I’m a realist and I know my dreams may never come true, but I’d be content in …… The thought of seeing my Sir next week and with his blessing, making plans to see her again.

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