I learn

writing a response right now to a fellow blogger I figured something out. 

In many ways I can still be that Ice queen I was.

I’m more open to friendship than I was. My tag line to past boyfriend when I did want to be friends with their friends wife’s was “I’m currently not interviewing for new friends, thanks!”

So I’ve broken that habit, but as far as real emotions I still keep them locked up hard!

I started to look back at all the people I’ve been with and before this weekend…. Nothing. No feelings except for Sir. 

I was feeling that void and disconnect that I talked about re the swingers because that exactly what is was. Emotionless empty sex. In a way I think that’s been my way of multi tasking, obeying and making Sir happy while still holding on to that part of the old me.

I was blindsided this weekend. Totally caught off guard by my ability to …. Feel. I really thought it would be a friend thing, we go out have a great time, play a bit. A big hug bye and I’d return to business as usually. Obey sir and feel little to nothing with everyone else.

It kind of sucks, some of the people I’ve been with are interesting and a few are friends I would talk to….. And that’s all.

I don’t know if I bottle all my crap up until I explode on purpose, but I’m really trying not to. 

I think there will always be walls I keep up and it’s because when they crumble…… Oh the mess they make!

Today after good pain and pleasure… He asked if I wanted to go back to not feeling. All I could say was one word “easier”. It was easy, empty, void of any feelings.

Sometimes easy isn’t a good thing. I’ve always known that. I get lazy and fall into routine and easy is just what happens.

So no, I’ll accept the emotional pain I’m in now, if it means when my head fully clears I can …. Embrace all of the good things I now feel.

I struggle, fighting and kicking as old me dies. It’s a good thing but I cry for so many reasons to pick one is too hard. 

My list of my reason I cry

Sirs soft words

Her lovely letters

My pain in the ass mother

The ex’s and all of ther fuckery

My poor lovely nana

My old me