Hurt

im never shocked at the lengths people will go to to make the ones they “love” hurt.

Nana told me to be prepared, the more you love the easier it is to be hurt. She also said the highest highs come with the lowest of lows. Lol, makes you wonder if she knew what drop was?

As we all know there is good and bad in all people. No one is flawless. There have been times my empathy has gotten me into trouble.

I had an ex, not D/s … He was of the douchebag kind. His mother was mentally ill and looking back so was he. He was the one from the Halloween fetish party. Major ( pardon the language) asshole of epic proportion. I knew a week in I should end it.

The beginning 

We traveled in the same circles in high school. He later confessed he feared me, my style of dress, the people I knew etc. 

so in my mid 20’s after my father died and I ended a 6 year relationship ( and I mean right after, like the next week) I went out with a friend to a bar. I just needed to get drunk and happy. That’s what I did, this guy I really never took note of before had moved away and returned looking like a man. Tall, muscular and I’ll admit sexy as hell in a very bad boy way. My goal that night, go home with the most attractive guy there. Mission complete, we didn’t fuck but stayed up all night learning each other’s bodies. I looked like I made out with a cheese grater the next day from his stubble. 

He was leaving that morning to go to his families for 3 weeks and we had no discussion past an “I’ll call you” from him.

So a week later I cross the line with my asshole friend (the one that still tries to get in my pants on occasion). Well small world that it is, they are both friends.

We talked a couple of times and made plans for a real date. The day before the date he was at a bbq with this guy and was told of our kiss. He freaked, called me the next day at work, drugged out of his mind telling me I’m nothing but a whore.

For some reason I set out to prove him wrong. I should have walked away.

I found him, cleaned him up and for the next 2 years paid for it. Random out bursts of your fat, you’ll never be sexy, you suck (and not the good kind) in bed and always you are a whore.

I helped him get a steady job, an apartment, start a business. I was there when he would relapse. I would clean his house after 3 day parties. I would put up with his ex showing up at 4 am. I knew they were still sleeping together, the entire time being faithful and supportive.

After the breakup …. And him calling  and dumping me 3 times. As if I would ever go back to him. I told him I’m done, stop calling and wanting me to say no I’ll fight for you as I did that first time. It should have been over then.

So fast forward a bit, I get engaged, not planned, very spur of the moment. My ex knowing all the slut shaming from my youth, not also my adulthood told me we would wait, not have sex. We would reestablish our relationship first. He wanted me to know I was not a whore, he wanted me for me. He noticed every night I would put 3 locks in the front door and also lock the bedroom door handle. We would cuddle, that’s it.

The ex found out about the engagement. My roomate answered the door, we were sleeping. I may have wrote this before and each time I recall less or more. He said he wanted to return stuff. A bag of clothes.she cracked open the door chain still on. He threw the bag and broke the chain. She fell to the ground and he went for the bedroom. Door broken in half… It’s to early to recount the whole thing but as his fist was raising I heard those words “I loved you, but you will always be a whore”

For many years I let that 2 year period shape my life, in hindsight it affected my marraige more than my ex’s bad behaviors. 

Now I’m learning, trying to balance things and most importantly learning not to let childish ass holes determine my self worth. Do I do things that vanilla people would say “she must be a slut, a whore etc”, sure… I guess I do. But I refuse to think of those actions as a negative. I refuse to let shitty people destroy me.