Fears can change you…

So I couldn’t sleep and write this last night. My intention to post it first thing in the morning. I think the sentiment is still true.

 Honestly I was just going to trash it, crawl back into my little hole and post that I was busy at work. 

But here is a view into a small part of me, there’s much more, but I don’t want to write it now.

……Sometimes for the better.
Last week I had the biggest fear.

It was that having feelings for more than just one person was going to rip me apart. That I would have to juggle, not them, but my emotions. That I would end up alone.

I’m coming to see that it doesn’t have to be like that. My emotions for them are the same… Up to a point that they are different.

I am affectionate to them both. When I’m in eithers presence I just have a need to touch them. A physical attraction to the people they are. I want to talk to them about nothing and everything. 

Sir being so different than me, the ying to my yang. 

Her being so similar to me, a kindred soul in this messy world.

Both so sentimental and so similar in their appreciation of all things beautiful.

Sir had pegged me right, that I had the capability to care for people, regardless of sex or age or any outside factors. It’s the connection that my soul requires. I strive to treat people as I want to be treated.

I find that I hesitate writing about her in this open forum. That’s something I need to get over.

Another same but different is our bdsm.

With Sir it is established, no blurred lines…. He is my owner, I am his slave.

With her the power flows back and forth in an more even flow. At certain parts of our weekend we were less “D/s” in the sense that there was no discussion but more of a natural power exchange.

I find my experience as a vanilla bi girl so ….lacking. I can see why I was able to put it away for so many years. The vanilla girls I knew, it was just fun, maybe they thought a little kinky, but there was no feelings, friendship yes, but I didn’t long to care for them as I do with her.

And even the odd vanilla man that was “ok” with my sexuality never would have the ability to understand my need of an emotional connection, when Sir encourages it.

So with all of the stress and bad news lately, I still find that my heart is in a good place, full and happy. 

Oddly I think this turn in my mindframe will benefit many (friends,family, hell even my coworkers) 

I had never wanted to be cold, it came from years of fear. Fear that my heart would be broken. Now I’m learning to trust in myself and others to feel again.

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