I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of months. My feelings and emotions are not as hidden as they were. Some people in my vanilla life ask what’s wrong? to them it must look like I’m carting around a heavy burden. Others like c say they hadn’t seen me this happy in years.
The issue I have is when you stop hiding your emotions and start dealing with them, you don’t get to choose. I get angry again. The kind of anger that burns you from the inside.
It’s an emotion that is always followed by tears. I had stopped getting angry when I was 18. I used to go into black rages where I remembered little. This is something my mother and her father also deLt with. I find because of my nature I don’t ever (unlike them) send that rage towards others. I get angry only at myself.
It’s just one more thing I have to deal with.
Yesterday was not all bad.
Again I still hold back when it concerns her. She will be traveling soon and I want more than anything for her to find joy in this trip. Not to be taking a burden of me with her. I want her to come back to me with stories of the most beautiful things and people. To be happy.
One day I’ll be able to write more…. Descriptively, just not yet.
Little R declared that I am her best friend. Lol it was cute. She’s a royal pain in my ass but a good side kick none the less. I did after a moments thought agree. This little 10 year younger distorted version of me is the damn closest thing I have to a vanilla best friend aside from c. Unlike c she doesn’t hate me.
Sir comes in tomorrow. I miss him, his calm and presence. It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been together. It’s a visit that I hope he sees the changes in me for the good and I don’t mean just my pretty good tan.