Mom

just had a long chat with my mother. She’s feeling it too. Yesterday so many things stirred memories of nana and now we are both at work with tears.

I hung her wedding photo and took out the books I found that she gave me as a young child.

They smelled like her and I hugged them and cried. It’s funny, maybe they didn’t and my cruel mind just recalled her smell. 

Today was her birthday. So although last week was hard, today I celebrate her life. The best way I can do that is by caring for others. She was smart, sassy, and strong, but more than anything she cared for people. She did everything she could to help. She always was gentle, lol unless you fucked with those she loved.

So no misery today. Although I’m lonely and sometimes in my loneliness I shut down and build my walls, today I’ll let the walls down for her. I’ll reach out and let those I care about know. Even just in little ways. I will take a good long look at my life in a relaxing bath (as she did every night) and thank god for the blessings I have. Lol, maybe if I’m really mushy I may even pray. Not to God mind you, but to her, hoping she hears me.

Hurt

im never shocked at the lengths people will go to to make the ones they “love” hurt.

Nana told me to be prepared, the more you love the easier it is to be hurt. She also said the highest highs come with the lowest of lows. Lol, makes you wonder if she knew what drop was?

As we all know there is good and bad in all people. No one is flawless. There have been times my empathy has gotten me into trouble.

I had an ex, not D/s … He was of the douchebag kind. His mother was mentally ill and looking back so was he. He was the one from the Halloween fetish party. Major ( pardon the language) asshole of epic proportion. I knew a week in I should end it.

The beginning 

We traveled in the same circles in high school. He later confessed he feared me, my style of dress, the people I knew etc. 

so in my mid 20’s after my father died and I ended a 6 year relationship ( and I mean right after, like the next week) I went out with a friend to a bar. I just needed to get drunk and happy. That’s what I did, this guy I really never took note of before had moved away and returned looking like a man. Tall, muscular and I’ll admit sexy as hell in a very bad boy way. My goal that night, go home with the most attractive guy there. Mission complete, we didn’t fuck but stayed up all night learning each other’s bodies. I looked like I made out with a cheese grater the next day from his stubble. 

He was leaving that morning to go to his families for 3 weeks and we had no discussion past an “I’ll call you” from him.

So a week later I cross the line with my asshole friend (the one that still tries to get in my pants on occasion). Well small world that it is, they are both friends.

We talked a couple of times and made plans for a real date. The day before the date he was at a bbq with this guy and was told of our kiss. He freaked, called me the next day at work, drugged out of his mind telling me I’m nothing but a whore.

For some reason I set out to prove him wrong. I should have walked away.

I found him, cleaned him up and for the next 2 years paid for it. Random out bursts of your fat, you’ll never be sexy, you suck (and not the good kind) in bed and always you are a whore.

I helped him get a steady job, an apartment, start a business. I was there when he would relapse. I would clean his house after 3 day parties. I would put up with his ex showing up at 4 am. I knew they were still sleeping together, the entire time being faithful and supportive.

After the breakup …. And him calling  and dumping me 3 times. As if I would ever go back to him. I told him I’m done, stop calling and wanting me to say no I’ll fight for you as I did that first time. It should have been over then.

So fast forward a bit, I get engaged, not planned, very spur of the moment. My ex knowing all the slut shaming from my youth, not also my adulthood told me we would wait, not have sex. We would reestablish our relationship first. He wanted me to know I was not a whore, he wanted me for me. He noticed every night I would put 3 locks in the front door and also lock the bedroom door handle. We would cuddle, that’s it.

The ex found out about the engagement. My roomate answered the door, we were sleeping. I may have wrote this before and each time I recall less or more. He said he wanted to return stuff. A bag of clothes.she cracked open the door chain still on. He threw the bag and broke the chain. She fell to the ground and he went for the bedroom. Door broken in half… It’s to early to recount the whole thing but as his fist was raising I heard those words “I loved you, but you will always be a whore”

For many years I let that 2 year period shape my life, in hindsight it affected my marraige more than my ex’s bad behaviors. 

Now I’m learning, trying to balance things and most importantly learning not to let childish ass holes determine my self worth. Do I do things that vanilla people would say “she must be a slut, a whore etc”, sure… I guess I do. But I refuse to think of those actions as a negative. I refuse to let shitty people destroy me.

Happy

up and ready to go. A list of things to do and I’m pretty happy.

Speaking with her yesterday and our dynamic keeps flowing. It’s enjoyable to say the least. To be able to be a loving caring domme to her girlie side, then a willing sub to her more cruel domme side. We also spoke of planning a next visit. Just the … Acknowledgment of us both wanting that elevates my spirit.

Sir will also be in this weekend. It feels like forever since I’ve been used and cuddled by him, as our last trip, although full of adventure was not our norm. 

Happy news, I have a table again. A place to serve meals to those I care for. Also a place to comfortably work. Most importantly a place to kneel, I didn’t know how much it would affect me not having that safe place. Plus, hell…. It’s really pretty. Not a frilly pretty, but it goes with the new place and new me. I really hope to make beautiful memories attached to it.

This visit if the weather complies I’ll take Sir to see more of my new area. I think he will really like it and I’m sure I can get him good russian food that will remind him of his grandmother. 

So today is the last day of nanas week. The day I’m going to dig out her wedding picture and hang it in a spot so that I can see it everyday.

I’m sad she’s gone, but she suffered to long. I like to think that little r’s grandmother and my nana are hanging out in heaven… Drinking and smiling down at us. She came in with 3 rings that she inherited. I took one, it was a cameo exactly like one mans gave me as a young girl.

I look at it and smile, not knowing where the original went but loving that during this week something so similar was given.

The return of….

the Mega period.

I was talking about this with a kinky girl a couple of weeks ago.

It some kind of syndrome you get after infertility treatments. The doctor told me out was normal, not to worry. Try to stay stress free. Sure, yeah, right, easy?

So I was floating in a twilight state in bed. Such a nice cool breeze coming in. I just couldn’t get up. Not like me. If my bed is empty as soon as the alarm goes off im out of it.

I looked at the clock, crap 15 minutes until my pilates ball class, followed by yoga. Damn all with no coffee first.

My gym clothes two feet away, I stand, I hemmorage and almost pass out. F$&@, now I have to clean this up….

All sanitary and back in bed. I’m going to steal 30 minutes to just relax, then off to get ready to see c and mom. So no stress in that, right?

 

Morose.. No, not me

so my blog posts have been brought to you by drop.

Oh yes that dreaded, I’m never going to return to normal, how will I ever function ….. Drop.

I’m ok, my brain is back. It leaves me with a lot of crap.

See I’m ok with play partners. Easy, Sir says lick, suck, fuck I do. Sometimes that good girl guilt sets in, other times it doesn’t. 

Now I need to know something I haven’t faced yet. How do I have genuine feelings for more than one person.

I once cheated. Oh god it was horrible. He never found out but I remember the guilt, crap it was horrible. Funny he was my only boyfriend I know never cheated and I cheated on him with my ex husband. The first time we had sex after…. I couldn’t, I tried, but cried my eyes out.

This is different. I didn’t cheat. Sir knows, he understands my emotions. He said he knew they were there from the first time we spoke. 

Now it’s up to me, how do I process having …. Feelings for more than one person. They are not the same. Unbelievably different, yet my heart is so full. So full, it sometimes hurts.  Not in am omg I’m gonna die way. More in a …. I miss them way.

So I’ll try to read, try to watch tv… I’ll knit and cuddle the puppies. Lol, I’ll try to stop posting such morose and introspective things on vanilla social media….. I’ll try, but I make no promises😜

Self esteem

its a terrible thing what some men can do to your self esteem. 

Little r has an on going problem. Her db bf jerks off everyday. He gives her a hard time over sex. By that I mean, he wants her to dress up all the time. She for the most part compiles.

The last couple of times they’ve had sex…. He didn’t cum. There was forplay and as soon as she cums he stops. Yesterday this happened and she rolled ove and cried. He got pissed and stormed out, cursing.

Today is hr free friday, so we have a habit of being really open on our office with the comments. 

She was telling this story and work husband was confused. Typical guy… At least you came. Then suggested she see a sex councilor. I piped in and said… No it’s a shot to her self esteem. The what’s wrong with me am I unattractive?? He’s just fucking with her head.

So to any man wondering why beautiful girls think so little of themselves…. It’s because of men like him.

Today

im trying to live in the moment. To be a productive member of society.

I’m falling miserably at it😁

I don’t want to overthink things. I keep forgetting to breathe. The sad part is I can’t blame this on drop. This is just me, no funky chemicals making me nuts.

I’m listing everything in my head. Not the emotional stuff, all the other stuff. I’m trying to stay analytical. It’s like allowing ocd to take over so I can put my heart on ….hold.

Two more meetings. I can do this. It’s Friday. (Keep saying it….just keep saying it).

When I get in I’ll walk the doggies, pour just one glass of wine. A private celebration of surviving that last week.

Looking back it was a great weekend, even all the pain it brought us, I don’t regret a moment of it. 

This weekend will be vanilla…. Straight up family, c, chores…I’ll treat myself well. Do a facial, dye my hair, do my nails. Even soak in a long hot bath. I know if I don’t do this I’ll just stay in bed, not moving. I don’t want that. I even put out an invite to female a. I miss her and after thinking hard, even though she’s straight and vanilla I can tell her anything. 

Everyone needs that.

Problem is she’s so wrapped up in her damn depression, I don’t know if she will respond.

Poor girl, if she doesn’t little does she know I’m just going to leave her the lonest voicemail ever! I’m at the point where I think I can be verbal and I need to just unload.

She will let me without trying to fix me and I will not hurt her. To me it’s a win-win.

I learn

writing a response right now to a fellow blogger I figured something out. 

In many ways I can still be that Ice queen I was.

I’m more open to friendship than I was. My tag line to past boyfriend when I did want to be friends with their friends wife’s was “I’m currently not interviewing for new friends, thanks!”

So I’ve broken that habit, but as far as real emotions I still keep them locked up hard!

I started to look back at all the people I’ve been with and before this weekend…. Nothing. No feelings except for Sir. 

I was feeling that void and disconnect that I talked about re the swingers because that exactly what is was. Emotionless empty sex. In a way I think that’s been my way of multi tasking, obeying and making Sir happy while still holding on to that part of the old me.

I was blindsided this weekend. Totally caught off guard by my ability to …. Feel. I really thought it would be a friend thing, we go out have a great time, play a bit. A big hug bye and I’d return to business as usually. Obey sir and feel little to nothing with everyone else.

It kind of sucks, some of the people I’ve been with are interesting and a few are friends I would talk to….. And that’s all.

I don’t know if I bottle all my crap up until I explode on purpose, but I’m really trying not to. 

I think there will always be walls I keep up and it’s because when they crumble…… Oh the mess they make!

Today after good pain and pleasure… He asked if I wanted to go back to not feeling. All I could say was one word “easier”. It was easy, empty, void of any feelings.

Sometimes easy isn’t a good thing. I’ve always known that. I get lazy and fall into routine and easy is just what happens.

So no, I’ll accept the emotional pain I’m in now, if it means when my head fully clears I can …. Embrace all of the good things I now feel.

I struggle, fighting and kicking as old me dies. It’s a good thing but I cry for so many reasons to pick one is too hard. 

My list of my reason I cry

Sirs soft words

Her lovely letters

My pain in the ass mother

The ex’s and all of ther fuckery

My poor lovely nana

My old me