Why am I not sleeping?

my whole work day just got cancelled, well except for that crappy 4 staff meeting. 

I had such a cute dream last night. No kink or anything like that. S and I were having wine and laughing. My poor neighbors….I woke up in the middle of the night laughing with the windows wide open. Lol, between my tearful orgasms and my over night laughing fits, they must think I’m crazy!

The rest of the week should be good, beach day tomorrow, then Friday!!

No dead dogs here

So as she is known to do, this mornings little drama was an over reaction.

Turns out little cujo much like the woman that raised her has stomach issue and needs meds.

I on the other hand have a horrible headache and decided to take a half day.

Leaving the office early and taking a nap. I was getting u for the gym but my balance is crap and yoga will wait until tomorrow.

Tonight is the first time without Sir that I’m relaxing and having a Netflix night.

C is in the midst of a breakdown and won’t tell me.

Poor s is also having problems of her own.

It’s an emotional day all around.

lol, tomorrow I give my intro to Bdsm-domme edition lesson. I’m expecting laughs and not much more. I was telling Sid that is would be nice to have a service domme, just a friend that could come over, make me cry,cum and …. That’s it. It’s a nice dream.

Ru up?

Was the text I woke up to.

Historically it is a text that between the hours of 11pm and 8am are reserved for deaths.

Today it was regarding one of my dogs.

She’s sick and may need to be put down. So I’m at work just waiting for the call. 

For now…auto pilot. I just need to get through this day. 

Sir (even sick) sent me a lovely email, reminding me that I am important to him.  It’s a very simple thing I forget. The little life things get in the way and sometimes it’s easy to forget that there are people that care.

In a very long detailed email I explained to Sir how the events of the past couple of days put me in a very introspective mind frame.

My problem is I analyze things. It’s my job and I’m good at it. It also is the reason that I take on a great deal of stress that most people don’t. When I am done analyzing I am spent, my brain is numb and my body is tired. The cycle is to emotionally shut down, rebuild and start over. 

I am trying not to do this. I am trying to stay balanced, but it’s so exhusting.

Breaking the cycle

Its the time of the month that I contact my ex husband. We still have financial ties that will not be servered until next year.

In discussing finances with him I realized a few things.

We’ve know each other since I was a messed up little girl. He was the first man that ever stood up for me. When the whole school was calling me a whore he defended me both verbally and when needed physically.

We’ve broken up hundreds of times, but there is an underlying reason “we” will never and could never work.

Since he left….he has gotten his own place,taken charge of his finances, become an adult at the age of 40. When he saw that financially he couldn’t make it he got not one but two side jobs. In the past old me would have said …ok, he’s fixing the things (except that not keeping his dick in his pants and lying about it crap) so I’ll give him yet another shot.

New me knows the “why” now. It’s because he doesn’t have me, his own personal service sub. I made it so he never had to do those things. He was never accountable when we were together. My nature made him lazy and a child.

It hurts to see him doing well. Not that I want him to fail, but because it’s my fault he wasn’t like this before. Truth is he may have wanted to protect me, but he just wasn’t a Dom. 

So now the new me sees this and for the second time today…I cry. I cry at the mistakes I made. The other lives I fucked up.

In the past I thought I was the Dom one in the relationship, but as it turns out….there was none and that’s why it failed.

So in my attempt to get my cash flow issues sorted out today I came to this conclusion and guess what? It sucks! 

For all of the years I took care of him, he now at least is making the attempt to set things right. 

The cycle is broken and by the end of the year the papers will be filed and another chapter of my life will end.

I really am so afraid of being alone.

Oh and Damn WordPress decided to crash everytime I go to set a picture!

Just a little warning???

I never get any.

Not even 10 minutes ago I was fine. Writing an email joking to Sir about post it notes. Now…I just want to cry.

No trigger, no tangible reason. 

This is the crappy side that my part a personality has real issue with. I was productive and now…nope can’t even think of what I have to do.

I just want to cry and sleep. 

I was outside before and a couple went by hand in hand. It made me realize there are actual things I miss about a more traditional relationship. My ex husband was mostly a disaster, but he had his good moments. I miss …I guess having someone there. I wanted independence and well…now I’ve gotten it and it’s a bite of a curse.

I know for a fact that I love living alone….but I hate being so lonely. I have people, friends, play partners,vanilla and not. But I still have this feeling….

I could not ask for a better and more understanding Sir and I’m so sorry you have to put up with my …. Blahx3.

I also think a part of me is …. Fighting the changes in me.

I really just need a hug. 

A case of the Mondays

i woke up an hour before my alarm, thought I was late. Then fell back to sleep. The alarm goes off and I think … Oh it’s sunday. So the day begins…..

Last night the munch was interesting. Not because of the people that were there. Aside from the organizer, we didn’t have any interest in socializing. It was the standard…one creepy guy,no…make that 3 creepy guys. One Dom with three bratty subs. Some really scary people.

The organizer is telling us a story of how this munch got started and that he had to do a mini battle with a domme (she was the prior munch organizer) as he is just finishing the story, he turns around and there she is. Now she was just like he said really old school domina. Must have been around 70, but still had that air about her that no one doubted she was in charge. Her very large male slave went inside to get her a proper chair. Poor guy must have moved it 4/5 times in 10 minutes. Also it was a vanilla dress code, yet she had him in a ….I guess it was his day collar, but it was tied so tight im still not sure how he was able to swallow! So yet again, it was good for people watching and that’s about it.

The nice part is that I had actual friends with me. A domme and a baby girl poly sub. All I thought was it sounded like the start of a bad joke…..a slave, a baby girl and a domme walk into a bar….

We had some funny conversations and we all agreed that is was interesting to have 3 woman of totally different orientations together. It was truley helpful to all…getting a different perspective. We were so engrossed in our own story telling and conversations that we stayed talking long after everyone else had left.

I guess that was the theme for the day, good conversations.

Back home and in bed around 11. Sir said I would get some good pain to make his cock hard and as always delivered on that promise. I fell asleep with my mind calm and quite.

So you wanna be a domme?

lol, I have a friend that is desperate to be a domme. She is indeed quite obsessed with it.

Our conversations border on hilarious because she has no idea how to do even the most basic of things.

We’ve been just talking and not much else because we are each other’s therapist lately. She’s a string smart woman from a very strict religious background. She’s actually the first kinky woman I’ve ever met from that….religion. So I always have questions for her.  

She’s been sub to a man in the past and even now occasionally plays with a domish kind of guy. 

So I said make a list….lol, it was all over the place! It was vanilla and Bdsm and D/s and funny. 

So sir suggested flash cards. It’s funny, it reminding me of teaching a small child. So I guess later I’ll be making some flash cards. I can see the first one already picture on the front – hitachi- places to use it, methods ..etc.

I questioned Sir as to “why I need friends in this lifestyle.”….now I know some are just damn funny!

I told Sir, it could be nice to have my own moldable Domme. Someone that only knows my version of play….this is the one instance that I guess topping from the bottom might be a good thing. 

I still doubt the two of us will ever play. It’s not because of anything other than we get to wrapped up in talking and laughing that …. The time flies and then we part with a kiss, saying next time.

Awake and ok

This morning was the first time I woke up and I was ok with my life. 

I don’t mean I wake up with dread or anything so bad. It’s just I’ve been waking up not knowing where I am or what the hell I’m doing.

Instead I woke up just a bit sore and was able to go on autopilot through a new morning routine without thinking “what the hell did I forget?”. So I guess I’m settling in.

My mind is not so jumpy and fragmented as it had been. I’m secure that I’m Sir’s. I have to admit in the past I’ve questioned and doubted him. It’s not anything he’s said or done, but I’m just really used to people lying to me. I’m starting to come around to the fact that I actually have a good and functional relationship. I had one before, but we were young and grew apart as people.

I will still do the enivitable and question Sir….but just to reaffirm that we are ok. Poor guy, always getting the   “If I may ask” “are you really ok with this” message or the “are you talking to other subs” or even the “something feels off….are we ok?”. They are my way of just checking. I’ve had relationships that started good and then through….neglect and selfishness they would unravel. 

As I change and grow I’m really tring to hush the (not devil) insecure voice in my head. I’ve gone through this before. The feeling of me not being enough. I think it stems from being cheated on and lied to so often. You really start to expect it, search for it and if you can’t find it, your imagination starts to make it up. Your own little brain can destroy the trust just by ….. Nothing really. 

I still question sometimes how I am allowed other partners when he is away, but he takes none. The bad voice questions…the good one accepts.

When I had started searching for a Dom after my ex, I really had low expectations. I didn’t think I did, but realistically I was hoping for a actual real person, someone that would pay me some attention, someone that could make me come and not much else.

I need more, but I guess I didn’t think I deserved it. I put that I wanted a real partner in this lifestyle, but I never imagined so emotionally supported as I am. I think that this is all coming up as my friendships and relationships with those around me are starting to change. I’m no longer as tight lipped about who I am, as I once was. Even some vanilla friends know about my D/s relationship. 

He’s also really been helping me to grasp that I can have healthy relationship with females. That I’m not the girl I was and that with his support I will be able to surround myself with good quality people.

I wish I could express to those that have no understanding of what D/s is how beneficial it can be. It’s not about the whip (that I love) or the chains (yup, love them too). It’s more about knowing and being happy with your role in life. It’s finding the missing peice or even in some cases peices that make you happy to wake up in the morning.

Oops time for this slave to go be domme and boss around some directors!

Ps….hoping my dearest friend is ok, I’ve thought about her and her family all night. Sending my hugs…