Early

i went to sleep early.

Too early. My job, mother and too many other things stressing me out. My stomach already acting up for the past 3 days and I just needed sleep. Like clock work at 4 something in the morning I had the dream again, waking in a puddle of not my cunt juices but tears.

It seems my body has decided tears are my new wet. My sex drive being null, but my subconsciene is having a feild day as I sleep.

Over a week ago I had a dream that I did remember, I was hit by a car. It was extremely lucid. I was crossing my street it was dead quite and sunny and I looked up as the car was inches away. 

I paid it no mind, I didn’t wake up panicked or crying. I figured it was just my horrible drop and my brains way of rationalizing my feelings for her. It was very much like getting hit by a car.

Now the dreams are worse. They are not lucid. I can’t remember what happens, I only know that I wake with such a sense of loss, like my heart is being ripped out.

It’s akin to the loss of nana, a great pain and really overwhelming. Today since Sir was gone and I was alone, I just got up. There’s no reason to stay in bed and give into whatever is going on in my mind. There’s no Sir to hold or at least feel next to me. She is gone with little hope of returning.

I feel the insomnia starting again. 

I used to fear closing my eyes, it was for a much different reason than now. I used to dream of horrid physical pain, now it’s purely emotional.

Funny note- when I got up the dogs looked at me like are you nuts? Neither wanting to be awake, nevermind eat breakfast. Poor dogs must have thought, crap, here we go again!

Sir is home and I hope getting some better sleep than I am. 

I had hoped to speak with her before she left, but I don’t think she wants to. If I’ve learned nothing in life, I’ve learned that you can’t make people do something that they don’t want to.

My hope is that her time away is joyful. That she has adventures and romances. All things the horrible girl side of me will be jealous of, but my rational side will be happy about. She needs to ….. Enjoy herself and get away from everyone’s expectations of her. I know this, since I wish I could do the same. I long to sometimes just be. Too have no pressure other than to breathe.

Then there was my mother. In her typical fashion calling and saying she must see me. Full of drama and secrets. Truth, she played it right, because if I knew the topic of conversation she had in mind I would have told her to relax and get over it.

She feels since I’ve moved I’ve withdrawn. Truth is I did that ages ago. We only have small talk and discussions of her problems, never mine.

She is not equipt to handle mine.

I sometimes wonder if I’m equipt to handle them either.

7 thoughts on “Early”

  1. Hang in there, kiddo. It may look bleak now, but there is always a rainbow after the storm. You’re in this place for a reason. You may not know what the reason is or even why, but once you get through it, you’ll look back and have that “AAAHHH, I understand now” moment. All you can do is take care of YOURSELF and take positivity away from it. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You and I both!!!! I’ve done about 300 refi’s in 2 1/2 days. I’m so ready, I can’t stand it. And I’m going to have to write about some of these people I work with. I get super grouchy and bitchy when I’m sleep deprived. Lethargic too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I too am having my sleep ruined by insomnia of late. Like you I dream but there is no scenario just disjointed images mixed with positive and negative emotions. Predominant is lack of control over my environment, not good for one who likes to be in control at all times.

    The night is not a good time for me, I lay in bed trying to sort out problems in my life. One thing I have learned is that insomnia feeds on emotional issues and vice versa. Maybe time for some medical help for the insomnia?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My insomnia comes and goes and you are right, it’s fed by my emotions. I think….. All. The. Time.
      If I can shut down my brain a bit im ok. I’ve used yoga but due to Sirs last visit I haven’t been in a while.
      So sorry that you are going through the same thing. The dreams are the worst….. I wake up when I can sleep exhausted and hysterical.
      I am one of those people that medications just don’t work….or the side effects are t worth the benefit.
      Funny I’m at work and 100% certain I could sleep soundly until it’s time to go home.
      Hope you are able to regain some control over your environment soon.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Aaaahhhhh!!!! I’ve been hiding in my cubicle today too. Now all my refi’s are finished now I’m just waiting to be audited. And I still have 2 hours to go 😕

    Liked by 1 person

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