Dogs and divorce

i think I may need some type of spiritual cleasing or a priest or maybe an Italian witch to say that prayer thing.

I must have been one horrible bitch in my past life because karma is really gunning for me.

I try very hard to treat others as I would want to be treated while playing a game of cya.

So a brief summary: dogs go to vet, one is fine, the other needs almost all of his teeth out.

Ex husband takes me to drop off the dog for surgery. Then decides to tell me our prior agreement to file for legal separation in January is not good. He needs a divorce because his new girlfriend can’t morally handle dating anyone that’s separated.

Truth I have 3 months before I know if I need a hysterectomy. I told him I will not sign it until I know…..then my irish came out, along with more curses than I’ve uttered in years. I asked has she been married, is she at least an adult…. The answers no never married and she’s 8 years younger than him.

To me all bets are off…. He owes me money, a large sum and if I can’t recoup it in health insurance I’ll find another way.

He said a couple of things that stuck with me…..put me on edge.

So I looked at her fb profile, linked to his, because….. She’s an adult.

Yeah, right. 2 kids, 2 different dads, never been married and still lives with mom. Another thing, one of her kids is under a year old. So is it his???? 

He timed this conversation well. We were on a highway and my initial reaction was, honestly, to punch him. I stopped myself in time. Last thing I needed was to kill us both.

This man never wanted kids and now all of a sudden he’s a father of 3? Wtf? 

Then the weird stuff started. Emails for password changes, messages from strange people I’ve never met, that feeling of someone watching. 

In the past his father has been known to hire less than reputable private investigators. And one of the things that he said was basically a threat. So within 3 hours of our conversation all this stuff starts happening. Some can be pushed off as freaky coincidences, but I can’t take a chance.

I contacted a lawyer and I have a plan and time frame set in place.

Back to the dog. All of this is going on as I’m at work under an amazing amout of pressure….meeting after meeting, Sir traveling to see me for the weekend and the vet is not calling about the dog.

I call at 4….. Pick him up at 5:30. Ok, 2 minutes later a call back, no he needs more time. That’s bad, my gut sunk, pick him up at 7:30. 

Ok I can still make this work. Pick up the dog, get him home hop on the train meet Sir at a swingers party. Can’t play, smell like a damn whorehouse still, but I’ll have wine and socialize and put on a fake smile if needed (I carry one in my back pocket lately).

Me and a work friend get to the vet….we wait and wait.

Called into the room and the doc comes in without the dog. (Fuck) turns out his bone was infected and one of the rotten teeth was holding it together, so he has 3 teeth left and a broken infected jaw.

They bring him in high as a kite and all he wants is to kiss me. I was crying feeling like a peice of shit for not taking care of it sooner. Every 2 days I have to bring him back to be checked on, if he doesn’t start to heal I’ll have to put him down and that will crush me.

So I never made it to meet Sir. He more than understood. Truth, these next days may be my last with my little drunken molesting dog.

At home, we stopped for pizza to go. Sir felt bad he couldn’t give him any and he looked too cute with his tongue out watching us eat, waiting for his little bit.

Then Sir knowing my stress said to go to bed. I went to take care of the clean up from dinner and after in the kitchen sir gave me good o’s and I sucked his cock and he gave me the belt across my ass to make the pain manageable. For the first time it didn’t go away, it just eased up a little. 

A kiss and hug I layed down and my aunt called. I gave her a quick run down, then sleep. 

Now work…..then back to the vet in the am.


too much happened yesterday.

Work was a complete shit show. I get a urgent we need to talk about a big project I’ve been working on that went to review. 

Turns out the vp was on the same mood as me when she read it the previous night at 9 pm and didn’t look at any of the attached documents. Good thing, she admitted as much by the end of the meeting…… Ugh

Then to the doctors.

The squirting Is thanks to my Luna balls!!! He said think of a blister, it pops liquid, think of you had nothing holding that blister in…. It would just be water and that’s good. My very clenched muscles holds the water in until it can’t anymore and that’s why I think I’m squirting but I’m not, it’s my uterus healing.

He said im the one patient every 2 years that is just sensitive. Normally they admit and give iv pain killers but i insisted on going home. Totally don’t recall that.

Then the vet called… All tests came out great, little guy goes to get all of his teeth out today. 

All of a sudden a whirlwind of texts. Both c and my cousin, in different states at the same time get into car accidents. The cars are totaled but they are fine.

Back home to wrap up work. My old work husband asks if I wanna get a drink? I tell him laundry must be done, so we pick a place close to the laundrymat.

We worked together in 2 companies for over 10 years. He stayed at the last as I moved around, gained experience doing different things. He was promoted over and over and we ended up in lateral positions.

So we came up with a plan to get him the knowledge he needs so when a new position comes up in my department next year I can get him in.

We also laughed and talked about old coworkers and friends.

Back to the doctor… He said the wetter I am the better. He gave me an antibiotic because I complain of smelling like a whorehouse. Sometimes after the surgery the ph goes off and that happens. He also said no vaginal until after the Meds are gone, but everything else is ok and a happy side note, I can go back to yoga!

Home and waiting for sir to call. I had to try to find all of my toys that I had hidden very well. He chose the plug as it’s been forever since I’ve been used anally. I don’t remember much as I hit subspace hard, the second it went in.

My mind was calm, the stresss gone.

I sleep solidly for the first time in a month.


thats the only word to describe the last 2 days.

I’m frustrated with my mind, body, job and….. Everything.

When I get like this I get angry I turn the majority of the anger inward. It results in semi destructive behavior, such as not eating, not sleeping and not using the coping mechanisms I have to manage my ocd.

…..and unfortunately every so often I take that anger out on others. Sir heard that last night. He had brought up a strange message I got on Fet from a girl wanting me to be a fluffer at a gang bang. He didn’t see the fluffer part. It would have been while he was in town and he would have gone with me. He thought it might be something I’d enjoy. 

My reaction was like a trigger….. No, not gonna happen! No way in hell. I’m frustrated enough and the last thing I want is a live fucking Bdsm porn- my exact thoughts, some of it I think I was able to filter, but I know for a fact the tone of my voice and the thoughts behind it came out crystal clear. 

As you can see by this excerpt from an email…..


I apologized this morning. I am sorry for my outburst, but sometimes the anger flows over.

A year ago

Sir said to write, but I’m in a crappy mood. I really don’t like mondays. Good note, I fit back into my work pants!!! Thank god, because it’s really really cold here.

So where was I a year ago? Ugh, I was most likely gym, work, gym, drink…. Sit on the kitchen floor and write to people. It was pre-blog and my poor friends had to deal with me unloading on them directly.

I was the queen of the drunk text. Alone for the first time in about 20 years. I was hopping from one relationship to the next, never thinking is this what I want. 

I wish I was in a better place mentally to write this, but I’m not. The surgery has killed a part of me. I find that I have no hope for the future. Not that I’m at all suicidal, just realistic.

Last week I dealt with the very tangible physical pain and now this week im dealing with the emotional.

So in the past year…. Lots has happened and I have changed. I don’t think I would have been strong enough to go through with the surgery or the move, or any of the really big stuff. I’m good with my sexuality and in meeting so many people in the community I’ve come to accept that I’m not a freak for likeing and needing the things I do.

Those are all great things, but it’s not enough. I know I’m on the path to finding myself and I’m no where near my destination. 

11 months

something a bit different for you Sir. I’ll let you in on my guilty pleasure. We all know I don’t do TV much, but when I need cheering up, I watch……gossip girl.

You might think, really? Well it started in my vanilla years and I must confess my complete adoration for Laighton Meester. Then the other day I found this


So yes, bad TV, but everyone needs a guilty pleasure.

Side note:the cover quote c sent me this morning, it was sweet she thought of me.



i have no idea what to write… Lots happened yesterday that ended with me in an urgycare.

My blood pressure is all out of wack for over a week and I need to just calm…the…fuck…down.

My brain is messy and do to my restrictions I can’t escape it.

The cramps are back and I’m feeling like hell. I wanted to do so much this weekend and 50% was my result. The shittiest thing is the fun stuff is what got cut. A vanilla then kinky costume party, I wanted to go to the movies today with little R. 

I’m also afraid of not being well when Sir gets here. He mentioned an event Thursday….,questioned what was going on Friday and then we have the parade and party on Halloween. I’m afraid even if I can muster up the energy to do all of this I may be a little less than pleasant to be around.

Ugh… Time to literally was the Grey’s out of my hair and bathe some smelly little dogs. I need to get at least that much done.


finally getting them into the vets.

I had a dream they both ended up put down today. Not a great start to my Saturday. Followed by the oh crap, I have to put this bloated body into a pair of jeans. Three pairs later I found ones that fit, my muffin top is horrendous but luckily it’s cold enough to camouflage with a sweater.

I over did the walking yesterday and blew up like a damn balloon. 

One good thing, I got a message from C, her daughter got a 90 on her English project and the teacher said if she passes the next test it will be a passing grade for the quarter!

At this point around 9am my mom came to get me… Lots has happened since but I’m not in the writing mood tonight. 

I will elaborate 

bad news at work

Good news at work

More bad, one horrible…..

Looking forward to a drink. Not in the headed to AA on the fast rode kind of way, but more in the sitting comfortably with friends, laughing and unwinding way.

As all of this drama unfolds at work, I realize I’m wet, like really really wet. F$&k. I go and check and there’s blood. Funny because there’s no pain today.

So I call the doctor and we discussed in detail my issue. All good and it could happen over the next week or so. I also told him I’m really wet, not in a sexual manner but I’ll walk and do….a sort of baby squirt. He laughed, God he must think I’m a bit of a nut job. He said that’s ok too, the changes to my uterus are messing with my harmones. He asked if my weight is fluctuating day by day and yes, God, it really is.he said its normal, should stop by the end of next month. Great….awesome. I love going to sleep one size and waking up another.

Ugh, enough complaining. There’s more work to be done.