Gravity, my language is bad and my mood is worse.

walking to the train the gravity of my situation hit me. I’m cleared for surgery, blood work back d&d free as I knew I was, the 16th is the day.

Fuck this storm and its timing that I found myself at that train station, now my fucking train station. Looking at the tracks seeing the lights and the thought passed through my head again, jump, no not even jump, more fall. It’s funny in times of such sadness how your brain will play these games

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyx-ogxuccw
I hesitated. The train came in. 

I’m getting the surgery to not die. Funny that it made me think of doing just that.

I’m stuck.

Id be a lier if I said I don’t still harbor the fantasy of having a family. I do. No substitute big brother plan will do. That second chance to right the wrong, to have something of your own. It’s official, I will never have that.

I think that’s part of the I want more thought.

I don’t want more… Sex, games, partners, fwb. I want more to my life. 

In my job im on the track to more, but honestly I never wanted a big “career”. I wanted security. To make enough to not worry about being homeless if I missed a check, guess what, I don’t have that.

I found as I got on the train listening to

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JMqKOt7R_K8
I texted my ex. Fyi my surgery is—. He said once I get through the surgery we need to talk. The asshat never changed his tax deductions, I knew he wouldn’t, so I didn’t either. It’s plain, you want me off the insurance, off your taxes, file the fucking papers already.

Don’t give me the “we need to talk shit”. I’m over talking. He could have saved our relationship that night. He could have walked in the door, seen me on the floor in tears and picked me up. He didn’t. He couldn’t understand why he had to come home. He turned to c and said why’d you call there’s nothing I could do for her. In that moment I almost yelled, I lost them. The them I never told you about, you drunk fucking mc.

So now I’m here, in Bklyn, down the street, 2 blocks away from my planned death scene.i don’t want to die, I never did or I would have. I’m just so sad and dissatisfied with my life.

5 thoughts on “Gravity, my language is bad and my mood is worse.”

  1. All will be right in the end, so if things aren’t right, it’s not the end.
    I can only tell you, I have been in a similar place. Not the same, because we all have our own unique experiences, but similar in some ways. And when I was in my dark place, I was twisted and tortured and hopeless and helpless. And all I wanted was for it to stop. Well, it did. Not before I was left broken, busted and bruised, but it stopped, and I realized that I had survived. And now, my friend, those times seem like just a story I heard once a long, long time ago. Because, I am stronger having gone through it, and have found the happiness that I didn’t even know existed. So, hang in there, keep fighting the fight, know there is a light brighter than the sun in your future and for God Sakes, don’t jump.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I know you’ve been in a similar situation. It just has me rethinking all of my choices in life, past and current. I feel like I’m caught in the middle of a typhoon, with no way out, no happy end. I won’t jump, I really do like life too much to do that. But it’s that momentary rush as you stand on the edge that gets to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. God bless you. People care about you. People you’ve never even met, like me. Just the honesty with which you share about your life touches me deeply. I will light a candle for you after Mass at the Mary Altar.

    Liked by 1 person

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