walking to the train the gravity of my situation hit me. I’m cleared for surgery, blood work back d&d free as I knew I was, the 16th is the day.
Fuck this storm and its timing that I found myself at that train station, now my fucking train station. Looking at the tracks seeing the lights and the thought passed through my head again, jump, no not even jump, more fall. It’s funny in times of such sadness how your brain will play these games
I hesitated. The train came in.
I’m getting the surgery to not die. Funny that it made me think of doing just that.
Id be a lier if I said I don’t still harbor the fantasy of having a family. I do. No substitute big brother plan will do. That second chance to right the wrong, to have something of your own. It’s official, I will never have that.
I think that’s part of the I want more thought.
I don’t want more… Sex, games, partners, fwb. I want more to my life.
In my job im on the track to more, but honestly I never wanted a big “career”. I wanted security. To make enough to not worry about being homeless if I missed a check, guess what, I don’t have that.
I found as I got on the train listening to
I texted my ex. Fyi my surgery is—. He said once I get through the surgery we need to talk. The asshat never changed his tax deductions, I knew he wouldn’t, so I didn’t either. It’s plain, you want me off the insurance, off your taxes, file the fucking papers already.
Don’t give me the “we need to talk shit”. I’m over talking. He could have saved our relationship that night. He could have walked in the door, seen me on the floor in tears and picked me up. He didn’t. He couldn’t understand why he had to come home. He turned to c and said why’d you call there’s nothing I could do for her. In that moment I almost yelled, I lost them. The them I never told you about, you drunk fucking mc.
So now I’m here, in Bklyn, down the street, 2 blocks away from my planned death scene.i don’t want to die, I never did or I would have. I’m just so sad and dissatisfied with my life.