i need new ones to keep going.

I saw this picture the other day, so similar to my last costume I perform in. A charity event. I ended up on crutches for two months after, my knee finally giving up, no longer able to hold up the whole 85 pounds of me.

Now 14 years later I want that again. Granted my much larger frame would destroy my knee, so it’s not the stage im longing for, but the shoes. I want to loose enough weight to put on my shoes again and go on pointe. To feel the length and strength, the beauty of the posture change.

It’s a …… Pause for company and more Meds. It’s a stupid fucking goal. I just have nothing and I long for the good parts of me back. Right now I have none. 

All I have is pain, no way to release it or deal with it. This is going to be a long shitty 6 weeks. Part of me thought of telling Sir to go find someone else, someone useful, someone not broken as I am right now.

12 thoughts on “Goals”

  1. First, remember that the “Good Old Days” weren’t as good as we remember them. There is a reason that things changed, because we wanted out to our shitty existence then too.
    Secondly, there is nothing wrong with wanting to set new goals. I know I need them to keep me focused and on task. I also have to continuously remind myself, and so should you, that life continues to happen even when we have everything planned and all our goals listed. We have to continuously adjust and plans evolve.
    Finally, please feel free to express all of your emotions, because they are valid and real to you. BUT, if you feel the need to “release” your Sir to find someone else, someone useful and someone not broken and he goes, then I might just have to come to you, hunt his ass down and leave him in a quivering puddle of his own drool. YOU ARE WORTH HIS TIME, ATTENTION AND LOVE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! You may feel broken right now, but YOU ARE NOT! So, you feel how you need to feel until you are fully recovered, and THEN you will see how meds can REALLY fuck with your mind.
    Continue to feel better Sweetheart. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Always so wise…. I know the Meds are really messing with me and my mood swings are epic. He said that if I want I can do a casting call, see how well they kneel, Handle some nipple pain toys…. Not to replace me, but to put me in a better mood. Also that he’s not going anywhere. So thank you for the offer? But no need to play Dom hunt. As of today nothing more than Motrin, my brain can’t deal with it.


      1. It has only been a couple of days. You need to manage your pain very carefully. While you might not want the harder drugs, you HAVE to give your body time to heal. Take something stronger before bed to ensure you get a good night sleep. You really need that. And, tell him I am glad he made the right choice. I can be very docile when I submit on my knees, but this Bitch can pack a painful punch when it’s needed. He sounds like a good guy. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m the type of person that normally takes no medication at all, so I’m really not good with the massive mood changes. Everything I e read said I should be feeling good by tomorrow….fingers crossed, if not back to the doctors I go.
        He’s good, I give him a lot of crap but he always calms me down.
        Lol, I find the better you kneel, the more dangerous you can be!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Goals sound like a great idea right now, even if you “refine” them later on. And going on pointe again sounds like an awesome goal (I’ve never done that ever but always wanted to). I don’t want to second guess someone, but hopefully your Sir would tell you if he wanted releasing (sounds like sending them out into the wild to rejoin the other lions and panthers, doesn’t it) but I know that feeling of “I feel in the way so much right now, why does he even stick around.” Usually when I ask mine he’s all like “because who else would do my favorite thing for me for hours?” Or something similar then points out that if I was in the way, he’d tell me. I hope things pick up for you soon; sounds like it’s going to be a tough 6 weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I aways had this long list of goals, but now I’m at the point that…. I guess I accomplished all that I physically can. That leaves me with the “now what” question. Lol, it does sound like animal relocation! He sent me a message that he was there yesterday, he’s there today and he will be there tomorrow. I just get unsure because of the distance. We only see each other once a month and the past few times I’ve been not myself. So then my mind goes to “how much longer will he put up with this”. He tries with the humor too. Like for Halloween I’m going to be the Doms assistant, think nurse, hand me my flogger… Next the crop. This may be the longest 6 weeks ever.

      Liked by 1 person

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