I think…

what would it be like to see my life from the outside. My catastrophic errors, my wasted opportunities, the stupid and foolish things I’ve done for love.

Would I laugh or cry?

I could have chosen so many different paths. Been a teacher, a mother, lol, even a firemans wife. It could have been worse, an addict, a criminal. 

Instead I’m me. Plain, unassuming to those that don’t know me. A late thirties white collar woman, starting over with sad eyes. That’s how I see me. For all that Sir tries to build the result is….. I don’t know. Nothing.

I go through the days to survive. I mean this very literally. 

Comensing Radomness-

I was helping my goddaughter with a project, her parents interfering, then fighting. She tells me my mom is upset all the time. She says she’s going to leave and I beg her to stay.

WTF… Really, you say this to a special needs child. I want to rip C’s head off. I explain to her that if it wasn’t her homework they would find other reasons to fight. Not that it means to stop and not try to do her work, but that is them. They are not happy. I also tell her what her fucking mother should have that she is the reason she lives. Lol, no actually I told her “do you know what your mother and I went through to bring you into this world? We would never leave you”

A true and funny statement as C’s pregnancy almost killed her a few times and I was there through it all, including the birth….shhh I even held her first.

As soon as I talked her down and we agreed to finish the project tomorrow night, I texted c “call me, go outside right now and fucking call me.

I started nice with her. Her mother has more health issues. She’s at her wits end and feels that her daughters inability to get her school work done is her way of disrespecting her. I told her she’s a teenager and if this is the worst she’s doing be glad! Plus this is the time to mess up, test boundaries, the real problems happen when people do this crap as adults. 

Then she starts the poor mes, this is why I stayed alive? My internal conversation being many curse words followed by you ungrateful bitch. No the kids not perfect, but it’s no ones fault. Then I tell her what she said and c admitted that she tells her she’s leaving. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! You never say that to a child. I spent an hour trying to convince that poor girl her mother would never abandon her, meanwhile you told her you would?? I told c she needs to bring her to her therapist and have her Meds checked and since she’s going through puberty maybe they need to be adjusted so the ocd is more controlled. She says “what Meds”, she’s on none. Great so she’s unmedicated living in a house with 2 sucidal people and a father that just wants to escape (can’t say I blame him). She said she has an emergency med for he nerves, but she never takes them, duh she’s 15, why would she, they make her feel dead inside. 

So tomorrow night I’m going to convince them to come here. C needs to step up and be a mother and if not the end of a 25 year friendship. I won’t stand for this.

7 thoughts on “I think…”

  1. This is so hard to read. The pain is so real, reminding me of the worst times raising a child with ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome, while being in a dysfunctional marriage, undermined by alcoholism.
    Be the wall you need to be. Tough love is so necessary. Let your goddaughter know of your unconditional love.
    God bless you for loving them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It frustrated me so. If they took the time to sit with her and talk though the assignments she’d be doing great. But they are too wrapped up in their own issues to see how hurt she is. So from now on every night she’s going to call me and at least she’ll pass writing and literature. As for c…. We are going to talk tonight. A mother should never tell her child she’s leaving her, her father… Ok, but not her child. Sorry to bring up such emotions as you are going through your own recovery. My thoughts are with you.


  2. What has been said to your goddaughter angers me to great lengths. And from her mother no less. She is a child, and children, regardless of age, ability, internal or external factors take everything their parents say to heart. No matter if it’s positive or negative. That type of shit is unacceptable to say to a child period. It’s selfish and self absorbed. I have no tolerance for adults who drag their children through their dramatic bullshit. Handle this one with care my friend.


      1. I know better than anyone that how you live can affect your adult life and how you raise and treat your children. The difference is breaking the vicious cycle and being mature enough to be determined to not want that kind of life for yourself or your child.

        Liked by 1 person

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