What if’s

im they queen of the “what if”.

What if this recovery changes me?

What if I’m no longer able to sumit?

What if I have to start all over again?

…. This list just goes on and on.

I talked briefly to Sir wanting to discuss it, but not.

I’ve been off and I know it’s been longer than just my health problems. He even said as much tonight. So he started me thinking, thinking leads to lists, lists lead to outlines, outlines lead to analysis. Here’s where the overthinking starts.

The trigger…..mapping me back to the point of change ——

Whatever the trigger is what it is and now here I am in the aftermath a physically forced celebaite (ugh, I couldn’t even spell that word, thanks google). 

I figured go on the crappy swinger site and dig through the rubble during a long boring conference call. 

I think I sent 2 emails from 28 that messaged me. They were what looked like the most interesting- wrong, boring, nothing there. They just don’t understand, to me all “this” is not about getting off. There’s more to it.

I was 2 minutes late calling Sir, at first he said I was to keep a list for count at the end of my recovery, then decided little R could give me 2 spanks on the ass. No cuming and it wouldn’t harm, it’s just 2.

She chose the crop and giggled the entire time. I’ll give it to her, she paid attention, warming the area with little circles, flicking it from the wrist to get a good snap.

It was fun but not a turn on at all!

Weird, sad and true.

She’s my friend, my sidekick. She has great potential and I adore her, but not one part of me wants a connection past any of this.

What it made me do was really miss good pain. Damn you uterus!!! 

What if I go cold

What if I can’t make it and hurt myself 

I think I looked at that shitty site just to keep some hope alive that my doctor didn’t destroy my sex drive. But seriously, I can’t do that straight swinger stuff anymore. It’s nothing… Dead, empty, nothing.

Ugh I go back to the doctors on the 27th with a new list of questions….

Hoping to hear something other than “no sexual activity”, I cum from a kiss, a hug, a soft word, a firm hand. How do you explain what “sexual activity” encompasses for me?

It also made me realize Sir was right about another thing, a big thing, a thing I am really really not at all happy about(insert gigantic eye roll, just kidding)

5 thoughts on “What if’s”

  1. What if you’re no longer to submit? Reading that one question made my heart ache so much for you. D/s is my sexual orientation, far moreso than bisexuality or pansexuality or one of the zillions of other close to accurate terms. It is such an inherent part of my identity, it runs to my core. I started out as a slave a decade ago, living it 24/7 with my Master. I ended up being sexually assaulted by an acquaintance, and I found I could no longer submit because I couldn’t give up my control anymore. I thought it was dead. Gone. Things with my Master crumbled, partly because of the dynamic shift, and partly because the dynamic shift simply brought to light underlying weaknesses that were slowly ruining the relationship anyway. I ended up falling in love with my (vanilla but informed) best friend, and we got married. I thought that the “lifestyle” part of my life was over.

    Fast forward two or three years into married life, and the thoughts and urges were starting to creep back slowly. I tried to deny them at first, because what if it messed up what I had built? But something like that always has a way of coming back to life.

    I’m a Dominant in a lifestyle capacity now. My sub (who lives with my husband and I), is, generally speaking, a switch. Over the years I have learned to submit to him on deeper and deeper levels when we switched for play, and eventually have become comfortable calling him ‘Master’ when I do submit, sometimes, even ‘Daddy’. I can submit to him during play more deeply than I used to submit in a 24/7 lifestyle relationship.

    I never lost my slavery. It’s still in me, as strong as my Dominance, which is the role that I live and breathe every day. I held my slavery back for a long time, but it was not a condition I was afflicted with, it was a choice, and I could have chosen better. I could have chosen to keep opening myself. I’m so grateful that I realized I was wrong.

    Your submission cannot ever be taken from you. You can only hold it back or let it out.

    Don’t hold back.

    Oh, and on an unrelated note, do you seriously cum from just a firm hand? Because telling that to Dominants is like pricking your finger and jumping into a shark tank. 😉

    Love and Hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂😂😂😂yeah, I really do cum from just a firm hand! Thanks for the laugh. I’ll watch for the circling sharks.
      When I was younger I was kinky, dated douchebags, trusted someone I shouldn’t have and he sent me fleeing into the arms of my high school sweetheart, my soon to be ex husband. It wasn’t until after the marriage folded and my heart broke into pieces with the loss of my children that Never were that I fell into a D/s dynamic almost by accident. No not accident, but organically. Yet another tragic relationship and Sir and I found each other. He’s always said im not one thing, I’m not a label, Dom, sub, straight, bi, that I adapt and see each person for who they are. There’s no one thing I’m attracted too except the power exchange. So I know exactly what you mean and it’s very much why I’m afraid.

      Liked by 1 person

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