thats the only word to describe the last 2 days.

I’m frustrated with my mind, body, job and….. Everything.

When I get like this I get angry I turn the majority of the anger inward. It results in semi destructive behavior, such as not eating, not sleeping and not using the coping mechanisms I have to manage my ocd.

…..and unfortunately every so often I take that anger out on others. Sir heard that last night. He had brought up a strange message I got on Fet from a girl wanting me to be a fluffer at a gang bang. He didn’t see the fluffer part. It would have been while he was in town and he would have gone with me. He thought it might be something I’d enjoy. 

My reaction was like a trigger….. No, not gonna happen! No way in hell. I’m frustrated enough and the last thing I want is a live fucking Bdsm porn- my exact thoughts, some of it I think I was able to filter, but I know for a fact the tone of my voice and the thoughts behind it came out crystal clear. 

As you can see by this excerpt from an email…..


I apologized this morning. I am sorry for my outburst, but sometimes the anger flows over.

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