Time 

I know today I won’t have time to blog and… Yes Sir, yesterday’s was short and not my normal, so I’m loop holing this and it’s really being written the night before.

All comfy and cuddled with the smelly dogs, knitting your scarf. 

I’m pissed my body didn’t snap right back after the surgery. Everything I do takes great effort. 

But… Knock on wood, so far it’s worked. 

Busy morning and then I’ll head home for the afternoon. Looking forward to Friday happy hour, I could really use a drink, it’s been weeks since I’ve had a sip of wine in the house and I intend to remedy that soon.

I’d like to give you more, but I’m just trying to get through my work days and not stress myself out. Oh that and find work outfits that I can fit my poor swollen tummy into and not feel like I’m going to die!

I’m going to petition that all people that do yoga should be able to wear yoga pants to work, I think that should be a new rule in corporate America. 3 classes a week give you permission to dress in yoga clothes whenever you want! Nice dream.

Oh side note… I was wet all day, but not turned on or thinking of anything kinky, just my body saying, hey, still here, I’ll work right again one day.

I learned

id make a pretty brilliant freshman in high school! Part one of the semester long project if lord of the flies is complete!! Woo hoo!

It was nice to get a bitter sweet taste of life as a mother, with c quite going through paper work and her daughter and I doing character pages and designing the covers etc.

She has strict orders to call me the minute she gets the next part. She had weeks and in one night we did the best we could. I showed her what I do for work and she was amazed that basically I make her projects for a living. So sad I think we will only get a 75 because we had so little time, but at least she has something to hand in and even better, it came with no tears or screaming and wAs full of laughs and jokes!

C said she should come here for every project, it’s so calm and quite. Of course it is, hello, it’s just me here. In my sanctuary.

This Friday after a much wanted drink is put in my hand I will finish that talk with c. She needs to see that there’s a good chance her daughter won’t make it through high school and it’s not out of lack of respect for her mother, but…, she would need constant supervision and neither parent is able or willing to do that. It sad, but true. She needs to have someone there as she reads, she has no ability to comprehend half of what she’s being asked to read. Her vocabulary is shit. She had no idea how to pick out a quote in a book. 

There’s real problems and they are only going to get worse if unaddressed. I’ll give it the year and then offer to tutor her for her ged. It’s better than 4 years of failure if her parents don’t get up and help. I’m more concerned with what it will do to her self esteem than anything. Saddest thing, she is smart, she is just different, living with people who can’t get her.

I told C …. Even with my help, there’s no saying she will pass. The foundations aren’t there. I’ll try my hardest, but no more last minute crap, if she had 3 weeks, we should have spent at least 2 weeks in this. I blame her parents more than her for waiting until the last minute.

I don’t know if she will listen, but they both left happy, no fights and school work is done.

As for me, ugh work is going to be hell tomorrow, but I’ll deal with it.

This morning I dreamt of getting a spanking, no particulars, but I was wet, so Sir was right, I’m not broken. 

He called up people he knew that had similar procedures done and when they recovered their sex drive increased. Lol, I’m afraid of loosing mine, but, ugh, I’m equally afraid of it increasing. I have bad enough cunt brain, I can’t imagine that being worse! I’ve walked straight into walls trapped in my dirty thoughts……

I’m tired… I’m just about keeping my eyes open…time to give the nonstop night of writing a rest and get ready to cuddle with the pups.

I think…

what would it be like to see my life from the outside. My catastrophic errors, my wasted opportunities, the stupid and foolish things I’ve done for love.

Would I laugh or cry?

I could have chosen so many different paths. Been a teacher, a mother, lol, even a firemans wife. It could have been worse, an addict, a criminal. 

Instead I’m me. Plain, unassuming to those that don’t know me. A late thirties white collar woman, starting over with sad eyes. That’s how I see me. For all that Sir tries to build the result is….. I don’t know. Nothing.

I go through the days to survive. I mean this very literally. 

Comensing Radomness-

I was helping my goddaughter with a project, her parents interfering, then fighting. She tells me my mom is upset all the time. She says she’s going to leave and I beg her to stay.

WTF… Really, you say this to a special needs child. I want to rip C’s head off. I explain to her that if it wasn’t her homework they would find other reasons to fight. Not that it means to stop and not try to do her work, but that is them. They are not happy. I also tell her what her fucking mother should have that she is the reason she lives. Lol, no actually I told her “do you know what your mother and I went through to bring you into this world? We would never leave you”

A true and funny statement as C’s pregnancy almost killed her a few times and I was there through it all, including the birth….shhh I even held her first.

As soon as I talked her down and we agreed to finish the project tomorrow night, I texted c “call me, go outside right now and fucking call me.

I started nice with her. Her mother has more health issues. She’s at her wits end and feels that her daughters inability to get her school work done is her way of disrespecting her. I told her she’s a teenager and if this is the worst she’s doing be glad! Plus this is the time to mess up, test boundaries, the real problems happen when people do this crap as adults. 

Then she starts the poor mes, this is why I stayed alive? My internal conversation being many curse words followed by you ungrateful bitch. No the kids not perfect, but it’s no ones fault. Then I tell her what she said and c admitted that she tells her she’s leaving. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! You never say that to a child. I spent an hour trying to convince that poor girl her mother would never abandon her, meanwhile you told her you would?? I told c she needs to bring her to her therapist and have her Meds checked and since she’s going through puberty maybe they need to be adjusted so the ocd is more controlled. She says “what Meds”, she’s on none. Great so she’s unmedicated living in a house with 2 sucidal people and a father that just wants to escape (can’t say I blame him). She said she has an emergency med for he nerves, but she never takes them, duh she’s 15, why would she, they make her feel dead inside. 

So tomorrow night I’m going to convince them to come here. C needs to step up and be a mother and if not the end of a 25 year friendship. I won’t stand for this.

What if’s

im they queen of the “what if”.

What if this recovery changes me?

What if I’m no longer able to sumit?

What if I have to start all over again?

…. This list just goes on and on.

I talked briefly to Sir wanting to discuss it, but not.

I’ve been off and I know it’s been longer than just my health problems. He even said as much tonight. So he started me thinking, thinking leads to lists, lists lead to outlines, outlines lead to analysis. Here’s where the overthinking starts.

The trigger…..mapping me back to the point of change ——

Whatever the trigger is what it is and now here I am in the aftermath a physically forced celebaite (ugh, I couldn’t even spell that word, thanks google). 

I figured go on the crappy swinger site and dig through the rubble during a long boring conference call. 

I think I sent 2 emails from 28 that messaged me. They were what looked like the most interesting- wrong, boring, nothing there. They just don’t understand, to me all “this” is not about getting off. There’s more to it.

I was 2 minutes late calling Sir, at first he said I was to keep a list for count at the end of my recovery, then decided little R could give me 2 spanks on the ass. No cuming and it wouldn’t harm, it’s just 2.

She chose the crop and giggled the entire time. I’ll give it to her, she paid attention, warming the area with little circles, flicking it from the wrist to get a good snap.

It was fun but not a turn on at all!

Weird, sad and true.

She’s my friend, my sidekick. She has great potential and I adore her, but not one part of me wants a connection past any of this.

What it made me do was really miss good pain. Damn you uterus!!! 

What if I go cold

What if I can’t make it and hurt myself 

I think I looked at that shitty site just to keep some hope alive that my doctor didn’t destroy my sex drive. But seriously, I can’t do that straight swinger stuff anymore. It’s nothing… Dead, empty, nothing.

Ugh I go back to the doctors on the 27th with a new list of questions….

Hoping to hear something other than “no sexual activity”, I cum from a kiss, a hug, a soft word, a firm hand. How do you explain what “sexual activity” encompasses for me?

It also made me realize Sir was right about another thing, a big thing, a thing I am really really not at all happy about(insert gigantic eye roll, just kidding)

Wfh

more like…. Look at empty emAil screen. My laptop won’t remote in and im ok with that. 3 meetings to get through, maybe four. Everything else can wait until I’m back in the office tomorrow.

I’m lonely…. I’ve annoyed everyone at work and now I’m just sitting here alone. Plus it’s freezing outside and my little dogs plain refuse to go past the front steps. 

Oh well…enough of my blah….have a good monday!

Goals

i need new ones to keep going.

I saw this picture the other day, so similar to my last costume I perform in. A charity event. I ended up on crutches for two months after, my knee finally giving up, no longer able to hold up the whole 85 pounds of me.

Now 14 years later I want that again. Granted my much larger frame would destroy my knee, so it’s not the stage im longing for, but the shoes. I want to loose enough weight to put on my shoes again and go on pointe. To feel the length and strength, the beauty of the posture change.

It’s a …… Pause for company and more Meds. It’s a stupid fucking goal. I just have nothing and I long for the good parts of me back. Right now I have none. 

All I have is pain, no way to release it or deal with it. This is going to be a long shitty 6 weeks. Part of me thought of telling Sir to go find someone else, someone useful, someone not broken as I am right now.