Lost

little R came over to help me go through my clothes and do the  change over from summer to winter.

I’m the type that’s up early…she sleeps until noon. By the time she strolled in at 3, the closet and dresser and all of the clothes were done. All that was left was the shoes.

After the few minutes going through footwear she decided she was hungry. She’s always hungry. I only have health food so there was lots of complaining and she insisted on cooking a “chick” patty sandwich for both of us. She burned that pan again, but it was the same one. From now on that’s her pan, I give up.

We spent about an hour going through Netflix tring to decide on a movie. Nothing….the the tv series lost girl came up. Oh I laughed and said trust me, you’ll like this. She was insulted in the first episode when I told her in many ways the two main characters are us. A bit into it kensi is on the phone speaking russian and talking to her connected family and she said ” omg that really is me”. Yup, sorry R but that’s you. 5 episodes later she left due to my lack of junk food with a promise to bring her own suppy next time.

Oh I almost forgot, she has it in her head that she’s going to be my service domme. She figures she can flog, crop and came me, not letting me cum and then she’s not cheating and we are not sleeping together so she’s still faithful. I told her in my world that’s not how this works. Luckily she dropped that line of thought.

It was an amusing night followed by a medicine induced coma of a sleep. 

Up today with lots to do.

Hurricane ready

  
I just saw this and oddly I’ve done everything on the New York side already, vodkas I’m the freezer, french press on the counter…. Complained and speculated about having a long weekend yesterday. Even brought in my laptop to be fixed so it would have it and I wouldn’t be able to work from home!!

Now…..no hurricane, but if there was one, I’m totally ready!

Heat

i went to bed freezing, but in the back of my mind I could smell the heat.

When I woke, I heard the heat. I touched the pipe in the kitchen and it was blazing hot.

The radiators were stone cold.

Lol, I texted the super…. Her answer …. Turn the valves on!!!

I’m such an ass. Everything including the radiators are new, installed in July, so it common sense says they’d be off.

Nice and toasty warm.

Back in bed.

This may sound like nothing, but in my former apartment the average temp was 50 all winter long. So to have old prewar, hot water heat is truly a blessing.

Gravity, my language is bad and my mood is worse.

walking to the train the gravity of my situation hit me. I’m cleared for surgery, blood work back d&d free as I knew I was, the 16th is the day.

Fuck this storm and its timing that I found myself at that train station, now my fucking train station. Looking at the tracks seeing the lights and the thought passed through my head again, jump, no not even jump, more fall. It’s funny in times of such sadness how your brain will play these games

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Qyx-ogxuccw
I hesitated. The train came in. 

I’m getting the surgery to not die. Funny that it made me think of doing just that.

I’m stuck.

Id be a lier if I said I don’t still harbor the fantasy of having a family. I do. No substitute big brother plan will do. That second chance to right the wrong, to have something of your own. It’s official, I will never have that.

I think that’s part of the I want more thought.

I don’t want more… Sex, games, partners, fwb. I want more to my life. 

In my job im on the track to more, but honestly I never wanted a big “career”. I wanted security. To make enough to not worry about being homeless if I missed a check, guess what, I don’t have that.

I found as I got on the train listening to

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JMqKOt7R_K8
I texted my ex. Fyi my surgery is—. He said once I get through the surgery we need to talk. The asshat never changed his tax deductions, I knew he wouldn’t, so I didn’t either. It’s plain, you want me off the insurance, off your taxes, file the fucking papers already.

Don’t give me the “we need to talk shit”. I’m over talking. He could have saved our relationship that night. He could have walked in the door, seen me on the floor in tears and picked me up. He didn’t. He couldn’t understand why he had to come home. He turned to c and said why’d you call there’s nothing I could do for her. In that moment I almost yelled, I lost them. The them I never told you about, you drunk fucking mc.

So now I’m here, in Bklyn, down the street, 2 blocks away from my planned death scene.i don’t want to die, I never did or I would have. I’m just so sad and dissatisfied with my life.

Too damn busy

wow…. This is not a normal friday at all. Too busy, then the fire alarms go off.

Finally back at my desk with only minutes to spare.

Last night I had such a weird dream. I drempt of vanilla sex😳

It was somewhere in the countryside with a guy I’ve known since a child. It was oddly really really good. Lol, but then as my imagination regularly does he became possessed by a demon and had no eyeballs. Lol, even my subconsciene likes to destroy beautiful moments.

I woke up so puzzled.

I’m really looking forward to a day of hibernation tomorrow. Little R will come over to help me sort through clothes and organize my winter stuff.

It will be nice not to wake up early.

Writers block or just this damn cold?

again I stare at a blank screen, three in fact. This blog and my work. My brain is foggy and the weather matches my current mood.

More medical tests after work, then wine and movies with little R. At least it’s Thursday.

The one thing I do have floating in my head is the thought “I should want more”. Not sure in what aspect. Guess I figure that out in time.

Missing yoga, my balance is off. Hoping to feel better by my Sunday class.