Busy monday

just getting a second to breathe.

Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. Sir wanted to talk about my mood the prior evening, but it had passed. Funny that things that seem so big can just dissapear.

It’s not that I’m feeling better (all the way), but getting my butt up and to the gym helped. I had set my resolve at the beginning of class to learn to love myself.

I swear my yoga teacher reads my mind. Her closing was about loving and letting go of hatred. I did almost the whole class, sitting out the plank series since I can’t do any hard ab work for another couple of weeks. 

After class I took a nice long walk around, picked up breakfast for sir and I and window shopped a bit.

We had a nice dinner and I made Sir some desert. Then cuddles on the couch and to bed early.

This is Sirs last night for this trip and it will be weird not sleeping with him.

My one thing that will get me through is as soon as he leaves I go into full holiday mood. Cleaning, laundry, decorating, gift wrapping. I just ordered the last present online. Lots of lists to make.

Depending on my money situation, I may take a day and go into the city to get a new outfit (party worthy) for his next visit, so that I’m not freaking out over my lack of wardrobe. 

No party

so at the last minute o backed out. Aruba girl went on a date with her ex and bg was going but would be tied up (literally) all night.

I was going through the existential crisis of having nothing to wear that I felt would hide my surgery tummy. My self esteem was zero.

Then we looked and the train was down, no way out of Bklyn for the foreseeable future. 

Sir said I broke the MTA, I wish i was so powerful, but I was a little relieved. I know he wanted to go out and play, but in that mood I would have had a hard time letting go. Without other friends there I would have not been able to hide my discomfort.

So I’m up early and headed to yoga. I looked at my app and turns out I should have my period. So it seems the surgery so far is a success, but they never told me the pms would remain without a period.

I was so moody that last night the needy, am I not enough sub almost came to the surface. I mean I know I’m not as pretty as I once was….. But.

So now it’s time to get off my ass and do something about it. I can’t do my normal routine until 12-11. But I have to do something.

Sir promised to help. I have a goal in mind, not measured by a scale or clothes size, but a look.

We did end up going out locally for a short but and shared a bite to eat. Every ounce of it tasted like poison in that state of self hatred, but I knew not eating and turning the hunger pains inward wasn’t allowed with Sir around.


As per a special request by my crazy (and I mean that in the best possible way) blog friend…..I present the story of the day I went blind from ole smokey moonshine.

I have a group of vanillaish friends that are known as the brunch bunch. One guy and three girls. Every month we would come up with a theme and have an epic Saturday brunch. One of the girls is currently pregnant, so our brunches are on pause until February.

So it was her turn, the host picks the theme. Hers was country brunch. 2 of the 4 (me included) agreed on the food and then threatened to wear earplugs because of the music. 

My job as always, come up with the signature cocktail and supply it in bulk, no less than a gallon.

Since we are in nyc I went with a fancy moonshine punch I had at a bar in the financial district long ago. Ole smokey moonshine, saint Germaine and pink lemonade. Easy to make by the gallon. 

There was food for days, fried chicken, pulled pork, cornbread etc…. So we were in full swing, playing games and talking shit, when the boy looked at me and said “what’s wrong with your eye?”

I said omg, I can’t see!!! Everyone laughed and then the hostess got me a pair of sunglasses and a beer and declared no more moonshine for you.

Yup that’s the way to fix blindness, they made me Stevie wonder and in a couple of hours my eyesight cleared. 

I can honestly say, since that day, I have not drank an ounce of moonshine!!!

A day in

yesterday was calm.

Just us hanging out at home. I tried to find something to do, but even Sir agreed there was nothing appealing. So I cooked up a storm. All comfort food that I would normally not make because 1- my ever growing obsession with my ever growing waist line and 2-time, but wait there’s also a third more important reason, the lack of people to share it with.

After dessert Sir went for a nap and I set to knitting a little something for little R for Christmas while watching the last walking dead and when sir came out he found me and the puppies curled up sound asleep on the couch. 

At some point I got up and went to bed. It was a nice low key day. Tonight is a party that I may see some long absent friends. It will be weird not having my normal group there, but I’m hoping to have a nice time anyway.

The day after

this is the first Black Friday I have not participated in the madness.

It’s not because I’m any richer than I was last year, more like the exact opposite. That and I’m working. Lol, from the comfort of my couch with Sir sleeping soundly inside.

Last night I got home around 9, with a plate in hand, but like me he really doesn’t like thanksgiving food. In the fridge it went. I was exhausted and knew I’d have to be up early to at least answer some emails. Sir doesn’t understand morning people or why I want to start going to the gym again before work. He is a perpetual night owl. 

I used to be, but I have too much to loose if I can’t perform at a very high level at work. It’s not a job you can do sleepy, I’ve had those before, but not now.

So sorry sir, but thirsty Thursday’s are reserved for weeks I have friday off.

Truth is I’ve never been as independant as I am now. I always had someone to fall back on, my family, a roommate, a man I lived with or could at a moments notice. Or even way back when ….. I had a nest egg that could get me through a year of unemployment. Now I can survive about a week. That’s scary and I always need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

It not a bad thing, but a reality.

Sir and I did have some fun last night. The easiest way to keep me from going to bed is to make me cum. So as I kissed him good night he grabbed my nipples and hips and sleep was no longer important, but the flogger on my ass and his cock in my mouth was.

Poor Sir, he cums and gets a burst of energy and I go right to sleep. So at midnight he returned to editing the parade photos and I went to bed.

Today is work and little R and I may try our hands at baking an apple pie. I bake lots of things, but since I don’t like pie, it’s not on my list of things to normal make for the holidays. I’m hopeing some spiked cider will get me in the proper mood.

Then maybe a trip to hipsterville. Ugh, I must say I’m really not fond of this hipster generation. Yesterday I saw 4 men in mc hammer pants with backpacks and beards. All I think is “are you a subby man injecting his balls” that you need that much crotch space? Plus they were not young. Trends like this should be for twenty something’s not almost 40 year olds.


But sadly as I’ve been told before I’ll blend in, not a hipster my any means but I do love a soft knitted hat and homemade scarf. The difference I don’t spend hundreds on them. Hat 2.98, thank you Amazon direct from China and scarf, knitted with my own hands.

Lol, well that blog took a real sidways path.

Time to focus again…….


a time to be thankful.

For a warm house.

A kind man to cuddle with.

A loving friend, who is so sad, but took the effort to bring joy to others.

For my city and all of its beauty.

Last night we saw the balloons all tied up in their bondage. Not allowed to fly until today. So it only makes sense to go back and see them in all of their glory.

I do things I never would have before with Sir, and I mean the not kinky stuff. The second parade we went to and didn’t get crushed in the crowd. It was a perfect and beautiful day.

It was bittersweet to leave Sir and head to my family, but he looked so happy back in his city with his camera. So I know he’s capturing beautiful images as I sit here waiting for the boat. I am treating myself to one ferry beer, a tradition that tourists just don’t understand.

You can scan the terminal and spot those who left the island and are returning for holiday dinner, just by the beer with the straw in it!

There were lots of good moments in the past day. 

My little dogs face when he saw his foodman

Sir capturing my reluctant tourist face(many times)

Sharing good food

Sleeping soundly together

Him waking up without much of a problem (that’s how I know he really wanted to go)

The children smiling even though they miss their dad

The promise to be there for a friend and her looking at me, knowing I mean it.

So I’m lucky …. I have many things to be thankful for.

Lessons in time

one year…..

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that not everyone is going to let me down.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong, so so wrong. The word everyone …..means just that, Me included. 

By learning to trust Sir, I accidentally started to learn how to trust myself.

Now I’m not saying I’ve become secure in who I am, not by a long shot, I’m still figuring out just “who” that is.

There have been so many highs and lows and through them all I could always count on Sir. He never told me the things I wanted to hear, but he said the things I needed to hear. He has been my constant support.

Over the past weekend so many people have commented on how good of a person he is. I’m lucky, I don’t always act it, but, sir I know that I am.

It’s taking me days to write this. I want it to be something special for you to read, but I think the fact that we will sleep in each other’s arms on our happy one year anniversay will be much more special than any dribble I can write.

Happy anniversay 

exactly one year ago today I sat down at my desk, with a hell of a hangover, abet 15 pounds lighter, but sickly looking, miserable.

I decided nothing other than a couple of meetings was going to be accomplished. lol, plus compliance training. Funny, I just finished that a minute ago.

I knew I had to do something, I couldn’t go on the way I was, floating, empty bordering on alcoholic.

I spent some serious drunk and sober time looking at my life to pinpoint a time I was happy…..wow, I really had to look hard.

It brought me back to a time that life was beyond imperfect, but…. I had good friends, went to great parties and (even though it was mostly vanilla) I had satisfing sex.

Ha! I was about 16 years old. 

As the year has past I’ve learned why I had such happy times in the midst of misery. I’ve always been a submissive, forced to be dominate.

All of my prior partners save one were even more submissive that I am. It’s not that there was no love, there was just no ability to understand and give each other what the other lacks.

Sir speaks of balance and that’s what I lacked.

So I took the dive, down the rabbit hole that is collar space. My original account is still active. I promised I’d keep it up for a year. 

My exdom had me make that profile for the sole purpose of finding another woman.

Hey Sir, lightbulb went off, that’s another reason I am resistant to follow up with new people.

He was a total ass about it(long story skipped). So I was hesitant to use it. I only had a phone and an iPad so making a new account was a pain, so I decided to write one line first…..looking for a new master.

Part of me hoped he saw it, but most of me didn’t care. I then went and started changing my looking for, likes and dislikes. I never got back to writing any further before Sir messaged me.

I had gone on the week before, using the same old profile and talked to a real asshat, so I thought if I make it me, not him, maybe I can change things around.

A year later and every morning starts with messages and emails from Sir. I have my bad days, but I know, even when I fight it, that Sir is there, my Dom and my best friend.

Happy almost anniversay, it’s not 6pm yet….. More later

Happy 52nd tuesday

lol, it’s one year tomorrow, but kind of one year today too.

For now I’m just losing and listing….too much to do and only one day to do it all.

My how time flies.

I spoke with bf and told her of our loss, like me she hesitantly voiced concerns over new man. He’s very insecure and that is why he comes across as being pompus.

The. I spoke to a girl that had messages a few times. I felt bad that  she expressed a lack of real profiles, so I reached out just in a way to show not everyone in this life is fake. She’s not my type, but I’m ok with adding another kinky friend to the group.

Time to prep for a meeting. Then run around like a lunatic until yoga.

Oh btw…. The picture is my new goal, lol not the almost naked in a restaurant, but the body type. In the past im really good at getting super skinny, but I want more of a woman’s body. I want to just get everything into the right places and embrase my body again.

No hands…

For many weeks now (ugh more like months), I’ve been unable to cum through normal means.

Sir had a long long (almost a year 😉 ago said he could get me to cum just by saying to. Yup, right I thought. We will see about that.

The first time I had edged and was nothing but cunt brain, deep in subspace and sir said cum, I did, quit publicly, strapped onto the chair prior to my ride on the machine. I could have sworn that it was in me, but nope.

See I could rationalize that since I was in some form of bondage, to me I still didn’t think it was the command, since the situation had already had my body ready.

Since then I’ve cum many many times just because sir says too. He gets my mind to the right place that with one kegel….I am cuming. 

Tonight in from a long day, puppies walk groceries away. I go into my room clothes off, clovers on and kneel. I edged 10 times drinking in the pain. I called Sir all nice and floaty. I think he said something about my clit…. Blur, then time to ice my nipples. He said put the ice on my clit and I was a little afraid since the last time it was not pleasurable. This time it was. 

Bent over the slave station sir says to cum, no hands, toys or ice and the flood gates opened. I came 8 times, leaving a mess to clean up.

I ran late for yoga, but it was worth it. 

Funny side note….. This was only my 3rd class back and the first time to my monday class in a couple of months. I hit subspace twice, I’m guessing because I still wasn’t all the way back. That and it is a very repetitive class with a core of meditation practices.

Calm and still have much to do….