my head space is just bad or is it my body. It’s a very chicken or the egg thing I have going on right now.
I mean since when doesn’t ice on my clit feel good?
But that’s only part of why my head wasn’t into going to the city tonight.
The other part is going to these things alone. It’s empty. I don’t feel like a slut after, but I feel empty. If you are there or Aruba girl or fet girl and her Dom at least I have that one person to connect with.
My head is so messed up right now from grief and drop, I couldn’t even try to meet anyone new. At least not under those curcumstances.
The thought of being in such a sexual environment beyond frustrated me. I never know how my body will react. I was truley afraid I would get sick and have to commute home alone.
Plus there’s me wanting my firsts after surgery to be with you Sir, not randomeaningless strangers.
And I feel wrong…I feel as though I’ve aged a decade in the past 2 years. I need to get back to my gym routine and my body is stopping me. The way I look right now, I don’t even want you to see naked. I’m getting old, I look in the mirror and am reminded of that everyday. Gone is that pretty little balarina that looked like Audrey, in her place….this person I don’t recognize.
So thank you, I’m sorry if I was in any way disrespectful. I was very honest when I said not even a small part of me wanted to go out tonight.
I know sometimes I say I don’t want to do things I actually do and this was really not one of those times.
Time for a hot shower and then bed.