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i fell asleep last night thinking about what I typed to Sir about my current body image.

Specifically a minor run in with a typical blue collar idiot on my way to work at my previous job.

He had tried to I think give me a compliment that was really a smack in the face.

It was during the height of my obsession with getting in shape and right before my relationship with exdom took a turn for the worse.

I would get up at 4:30 middle of summer, throw on a plain cotton dress, my hair was long, stick it in a bun, grab my gym bag and get the 6am boat to the city.

At this time in the morning, it’s a rare business person and hundreds of union workers reporting to construction sites. For the most part they slept or had their groups to gossip with. It was relaxing and mostly a nonevent. Until one morning this guy sits next to me as I’m reading(yes sir, I really did read on my way in). He says excuse me but I’ve been watching you for about a month and I have to ask…..are you a washed up balarina? (Wtf) I gave him a look that would shrivel the most robust set of balls. I followed it by a speach of are you kidding me??

I then asked him if he ate the keg he drank out of last night.

He was flustered and said he meant it as was I a dance teacher because he couldn’t figure out why I was on such an early boat. He also said he wanted to ask me to dinner, but he could see he had blown that already.

So the reason I go back to this moment when I think of body image…I was the closest to my old body as I had been since I was 25 and still I was defensive. 

I told a woman at the gym that had said she works out next to me because she wants to be as effortless as I am when I work out, that it’s not a competition. Lol and there is nothing effortless about what I was doing. Side note: that’s how the madochist in me used to get sedated. That her only competition should be herself.

The goal is to do even a little better than you did yesterday.

So now that I remember that… Time to put it into practice. I know I will never regardless of how much effort I apply be satisfied with myself, but as long as I put in a little more effort everyday and only compete with myself I should be ok.