Why, sir?

so I thought long and hard about your question and the truth, every couple of months my answer changes.

Why don’t I follow through when I meet people I like? Get phone numbers? Make plans?

First, it was because I couldn’t believe you were ok with that. My vocabulary was limited and I could it wrap my analytical mind around there being such a thing as a good slut.

Then there was fear, fear of rejection, fear of loosing my feelings for you to another.

Rejection will always be a fear, but I learned I can have feelings for others and still for you at the same time.

Then came the fear that I was a lesbian, remember that one Sir? I still adore your response, “no, you like cock too much, I’ve seen it with my own eyes” or something like that.

Let’s not forget the ever present fear of being outed, I loose my job, apartment, family and friends. What if ex husband found out? That would be a nightmare and a half.

But now it’s more a fear of getting hurt. Putting yourself out there to possibly have your heart crushed sucks. The problem is I’m not looking for one and done. I can go to a swing party if I was. What I’m looking for can really hurt. I’m just a chicken and I don’t know that I’m ready to be hurt again.

So instead I make friends, this is new for me and I think a step in the right direction. Maybe once I’m good at that, maybe I can let go of the fear…..but I just don’t know that I can yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s