Cold

i really have nothing to write today.

I’m cold. I slept like the dead, too emotionally exhausted from the weekend.

I have tons to do before sir gets in on Wednesday. Plus I want to squeeze in a couple of yoga classes.

I had a nightmare last night about bg. It was weird, but so very real.

Walking in a fog

yesterday was surreal.

First a baby shower. Good friends and super happy. I was asked by about 5 people, Sir included if I was ok with it. It never dawned on me not to be. I think it was because of the “who” that is pregnant.

Out of all of my friends, I know she will make a great mom. She’s just crazy, yet responsible enough and has the biggest heart. So I had not one weepy moment or …. Instance of resentment towards her or being there to celebrate with her.

Then over to see the wife. She greeted me at the door, so small and fragile. 

At the shower I remember a picture being taken and I said god I’m little. Am I really that short.

The wife hugged me and I held her for a good 5 minutes before any words of hello were said. I went from the shower feeling like a midget to being a giant with this small frail woman in my arms.

I remember “she” had told Sir about the great joy I had in aftercare and how motherly my domme side was. This was one of those instances. No play involved, but seeing her in such a venerable state, made me go straight into caretaker mode.

Her house was full, all artistic people all drinking and mourning her husband. At no time did we leave her unconnected physically. Fet girl was there she was the main source of comfort. Her and her Dom had been there since Thursday and had tickets to the theater and were shooed out the door to go. She told me when she left to take care of her. She said something like …. They can’t the way we can, all three of us being submissives, trapped in a room of vanillas. 

In any other curcumstance they would have thought our need to cuddle and hold hands to be ….odd and off putting, but in this time of sadness, no one thought twice. 

Funny I was asked over and over how I knew her. It never dawned on me to need to ….. Come up with a story. The truth something no one there would be able to process, so I said “through FG” and ended it at that.

N came and picked me up about three hours later. She had invited me over to dinner with her big crazy clan. I was so happy for the recuse, but told the wife if she needed I’d come right back. She was at the point she just wanted everyone to leave to spend time with her mom and kids. I fully understood and thought if it was me I’d have kicked everyone out days ago.

So into the car the first thing n says is so of my kids start to question you… And simple back story. Lol, her kids were very respectful but I was glad to have the agreed answer as to how we met!

N is from a different couture, religion and world than what I grew up in, but her devotion to her children is admirable. I met her husband, a gruff, cold man that the kids jokingly refer to as her husband. They weren’t little kids as in the prior house, but small people. They ranged from middle school to 21. Each so different, so full of personality and the middle child, who was a the baby for many years until the others came along was a real jokester and the ladies man. He kept the dinner conversation lite and fun, I was grateful for that.

We all ate, she cooked an amazing amount of food that was almost all gone by the time the kids and husband left the kitchen. 

We talked about work and travel and before you knew it her older son that said he’d be back by 1am came in, only a half an hour late. Through out the day I chatted with Sir to let him know how things were going. 

Home and so drained by 2. Sir said what a crazy city girl staying out so late. More like a tired girl that smushed 3 days into one.

Up early for the guy to come and do repairs on the apartment, then…. Christmas shopping with my mother. I’m just hoping to stay awake and that she doesn’t start pressing my buttons.

I just can’t understand

it was nothing I could be prepared for.

Sir calls and says get a cigarette, go outside and call me back, I have something very bad to tell you.

Moments before I had gotten a call and let it go to voice mail as I didn’t recognize the number.

I didn’t question it, I said ok and did  just that.

I went outside called lit the smoke and he told me, a friend of ours had killed himself. It’s a long story, lots of history, but…. You just can’t …. I went numb in shock. Called his wife, voicemail. Eventually we spoke. I’m just so sad.

Sir sent Little R to make sure I was ok. She had known him too. 

She came home to make sure I was ok. We cooked for the office pot luck, in our bras and tights, sang and danced to Motown. There was no joy in it.

Later n came over and we played a long game of catch up. I went to sleep numb, I woke up sad. Sir is also in shock, but there’s nothing we can do but be there for the people he left behind. 

Why

must I go to work?

Oh yeah, because I’m poor. I really should have been born rich, I’d make a really good wealthy person.

I’d be part of humanitarian causes, plus is throw the best parties ever. I’d design my own private dungeon and have a seperate room with a kink friendly doctor and therapist for all those needing to get help that can’t afford either treatment or to be outed. 

Well that’s a nice daydream, but back to reality and the boredom of my job.

I have so much to do in the few days before Sir gets here. Time to start the lists…..

Birthdays and Russians 

yesterday I was not in great spirits. My new apartment unlike my old has heat, lots of heat, dry killing my sinus kind of heat. I struggled through work and had made plans to get coffee with a swinger/bdsm girl near me.

I really just wanted to crawl into bed and die, but with Sirs encouragement i rallied and got out of the house. We had a nice chat and she’s sweet and shy, but we seemed to get along. Her Dom lives in Boston and is moving to NYC in December, so she’s excited and nervous.

Then it was off to the city for fet girls birthday. I wished I felt better or could take today off. She picked one of the few original speakeasys for her party. I though ugh monday, it will be dead. Nope, wrong. It was packed and they had a live band that had played at the Jazz age lawn party. 

Her Dom was in good spirits and filled me in on the shenanigans I missed when I left Saturday’s party. His girl is now trying her hand at suspension and was even allowed a riggers spot. He said you shouldn’t have left so early…..I said early, really. I got home at almost 5. He thought I left at midnight, no, try 3:30. I swear these parties are like casinos, you loose all sense of time.

He also said he talked to Sir and told him of my disrespectful talk of Doms. Lol, he didn’t know I already told Sir I was goading him for a spanking. I like pushing his buttons because he gives a very satisfing bare handed spanking, even when I can’t cum.

We had lots of laughs and I did a quick 3 minutes retro hairdo for the birthday girl.

The female brizalian was there with “new guy”. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. It was like he had nothing good to say about anyone. He kinda bashed the New York fetish community and most everyone I know in it.

Who knows maybe it’s me being over protective of her or its that he’s much more of a swinger and a bit pompous. She said she was looking for someone more sensual and she really didn’t like the hard impact play, so maybe I’m wrong.

Funny at one point he was talking ill of bg, yes she can be full of drama, I get that. He doesn’t realize that he kind of lead her on. She thought he was going to be her guide and protector into the swingers world. Then he said something about most girls in the fetish scene being bat shit crazy. I said no that’s just most girls in general. His retort, well I’ve dated some that were really prices of work. Mine, yeah buddy so have I!!! And I laughed, then she laughed and my smart ass comment broke the ice and after that he conceded there’s drama in all walks of life.

So I’m happy that she looked happy and maybe he’s just an ass, because sometimes I am when I’m protecting my friends.

I only stayed a bit and was tucked in my Sir at midnight.

It was a nice monday out and I look forward to many more mondays sipping drinks out of teacups by the fireplace.

Side note: the female b thought she was going to a fetish party. She had a beautiful black lace dress, very retro, but only a skimpy pair of undies underneath. She was embarrassed but wet at the same time, being in such a crowded vanilla place dressed like that. I told her she was beautiful and honestly unless she mentioned it, you didn’t notice the lack of a slip plus she has an amazing body and if anyone did look close enough the last thing they would do is complain! 

Why, sir?

so I thought long and hard about your question and the truth, every couple of months my answer changes.

Why don’t I follow through when I meet people I like? Get phone numbers? Make plans?

First, it was because I couldn’t believe you were ok with that. My vocabulary was limited and I could it wrap my analytical mind around there being such a thing as a good slut.

Then there was fear, fear of rejection, fear of loosing my feelings for you to another.

Rejection will always be a fear, but I learned I can have feelings for others and still for you at the same time.

Then came the fear that I was a lesbian, remember that one Sir? I still adore your response, “no, you like cock too much, I’ve seen it with my own eyes” or something like that.

Let’s not forget the ever present fear of being outed, I loose my job, apartment, family and friends. What if ex husband found out? That would be a nightmare and a half.

But now it’s more a fear of getting hurt. Putting yourself out there to possibly have your heart crushed sucks. The problem is I’m not looking for one and done. I can go to a swing party if I was. What I’m looking for can really hurt. I’m just a chicken and I don’t know that I’m ready to be hurt again.

So instead I make friends, this is new for me and I think a step in the right direction. Maybe once I’m good at that, maybe I can let go of the fear…..but I just don’t know that I can yet.

It just hit me….

I figured out what my biggest kink is…. Ready?

 Now this is what makes my cunt drip and my soul sing….

cuddling.

lol, yes it’s what will alwAys turn me on. It’s what I miss even more than a good flogging.

And it makes no difference, man or woman. Just the closeness of a lazy Sunday naked and cuddling.

Anyone know of any pro-cuddlers??

Or how about service cuddlers?

I’ve had offers of nsa housework, and other things but what I really want is a cuddle partner! Accepting applications now 🙂