generally speaking I hate them, I don’t make them because I feel like I set myself up for failure.

The one exception was last year.

I had an ungodly list of them.

I can’t find the list (or my lipstick) but as best as I can recall I’ve completed them all.

This year I make only one resolution… not fight where life leads me.

Simple…. Sounds easy?? Not for me… I’m the what if girl. I’m the person that weighs every option. It makes me tired. 

Good morning Sir

hope you slept well. I can’t wait to get home and take a nap, who would have thought I would ever write that.

All is calm in the office. It’s a nice change.

It’s funny I told you the windows can’t open. I think that was more, I can’t get up and open them. We finished at around 1:30 but I had gotten my second wind and I guess the adrenaline had kicked in so I didn’t fall soundly asleep until about 3.

I’m glad the new way in works so well. It will be nice to see you more often. This last month had seemed much much longer than the past.

It’s weird ….. You know how Christmas felt off, so does New Years. It really doesn’t feel like a holiday. I guess that may change later once we get dressed and head to the city.

This is month three and I think the second surgery will be needed. The first one may have saved my life, but….. It’s not doing what it should have. 

I think I’ve kinda come to terms with it.

Thank you for a year of firsts, you’ve helped me to accept myself in ways I can’t put into words.

So much has changed with your support and guidence. I sometimes kick myself in the ass that I was such a chicken and didn’t do what I wanted years ago, but better late than never.

So I wonder what the 40th year of my life will bring???

To all, have a happy,safe and healthy new year!

China bus

yet another crazy morning at work….it will be over soon enough.

But not before I leave the madness here to go check the bus schedual for sir. I’m bringing some coworkers because I’m pretty sure no one speaks English there. This should be an adventure! 😦

I know Sir enjoys reading my words with his morning coffe and I am really sorry, but I’ve been up, get ready, set….work. Can’t say your slave is unmotivated.

Thank you for putting up with my craziness. It’s just been one thing after another lately. 

I know I’ve been less than normal, but I’m trying to stay positive through this period. Trying to keep my sense of humor and not get so stressed.

Just one more day….

Ulcer time

thats exactly what today is.

The project I’ve been working on for months goes live at midnight. Even if I could sleep I won’t.

It is a very good thing Sir is coming in later, I get very type a when under stress and I don’t think he would appreciate my inability to shut that part down.

I still have this nagging concept of needing ….. more. I haven’t figured out what that means yet. 

I guess I’ll figure it out one day.

I really have nothing to say, just too much work to do.

Before I forget

omg was tonight funny.

So let me set the scene. 125th and malcom x blvd in the heart of Harlem, 11 white ” artsy” people and one guy dressed like grand master funk.

The Jazz band was great and after it turned into A club.

(At this point I fell asleep)

It was fet girl, her Dom, f and the pta from their daughters school. By the end of the night, I’m pretty sure that the pta know kniw the two moms are lovers. After my 2 very sting burbon drinks I was on the dance floor with th girls. 

I told Sir If I ever have a bbc fantasy, no need to troll the link sites, we can just go there. It was fun and I felt like a 20 year old kid for a moment dancing to reggae and having guys try to cut in.

(At this point I realized my Chanel pirate red lipstick was missing and went on an hour hunt for it)

I’m sure our little group gave a few people some stories to tell today.

There was a point f cried and I held her. Told her never forget she’s loved. I mean damn I took a train to Harlem for her! She really was shocked I showed knowing how far I traveled. I told her…. Of course I would, she’s more important than anything I could be doing in bklyn.

It’s funny how true that is, there was an all girls play party (got cancelled last minute), I was prepared to go to Harlem, then track there after. I would have passed on the party totally if she needed me there.

Poor get girls Dom, he was exhausted and at one point took a little shut eye on my lap.

I did finally find out who’s doing what for New Years, looks like we are going to a party together.

Oh … all of this dancing and stuff was happening I had 2 girls texting me. One ….. The pregnant one (fml) and the other when I finally spoke to her had the vocabulary of a kindergartner. It’s funny I looked at the two of them in the dance floor and just thought, how nice it would be to have something close to what they do. Maybe one day…….

Plus an old old friend t reached out to me last night. I haven’t heard from him in forever. We went to grade schools together and when my ex husband and I seperated he was good for the three am coffee and cry. Now it’s my turn as him and his wife are now splitting.

A task?

or more like an early morning punishment. Yesterday I was the latest I’ve ever been for an anniversay call, 37 minutes.

So today, 37 edges with the Luna’s and a blog.

A year ago my blogs were different for a slew of reasons, the most basic, I had 2 hours to kill on a bus every morning to get to work. I also was just starting to figure myself out.

A year later and I have a better idea of who I am and my sex drive and kinky side has been mostly gone for months to physically recover.

I was going to wait until after the gym but I really have too much to do and if I postpone I may not have any time to do it.

So…to be continued.

Writing now is never easy 

I cried, too much inside that I need to let go. Just going to lay and float. 

I mis being held

Just not Christmas

this year, it just didn’t feel right.

It was a long day.

The food was wrong my mood was sour. Heading home my mother wanted to stay with me. She could see it in my eyes that I was sad.

Last year Sir and I’s relationship was new and I think that newness distracted me from the feeling of alone I should have had on Christmas morning.

I remember speaking to him looking out the kitchen window at the falling snow and having a feeling of hope. 

I didn’t have that today. I had humid fog. I had loneliness.

I’m sorry I missed your call at 6. I really thought it was much earlier. Truth be told I was so trapped in my head, I forgot to set my alarm. 

So after food I gave up and slept on my aunts couch. 


The eve

i always have the worst time falling asleep on Christmas Eve.

As a young child, it was the excitement over Santa coming and seeing what was under the tree.

As a teenager it was the fear of the fights the next day would bring.

As a married woman it was the dreaded disappointment as only one year my husband had ever gotten me anything.

Now…. It’s waking up, alone. Doing my routine, like any day.

It’s why I won’t get a tree, I can’t think of waking to see it all sparkles and lights, sitting, empty.

It’s not a bad year although this post may sound sad. It’s just the truth.

So I fight sleep, like a little kid.