Santa trakker 

Nope, not spelled wrong. It’s the combo of a few things all work related. In short we’ve decided to throw our own party and track Santa all day.

Sir was mushy reading my old blogs the other day. I feel so far removed from that person. It’s good and bad. I no longer have that awe of new experiences that I did. I don’t know if it’s the surgery pressing pause or the lack of firsts. On the bright side I’m much more grounded and am no longer afraid of speaking up or feeling I need to write him.

He wanted a happy blog, but I have more things to save for his Christmas letter that I do not want to include here.

Crunch time

into work super early, last week of the biggest project yet.

So I’m writing this before bed, I know there will be no time tomorrow.

I finally was able to do 3/4 of my pilates routine, I’m sore but happy. It’s a good pain. After an hour of nice and relaxing hatha yoga. I normally don’t go to yoga when Sir is in but I may ask to go next week to my monday and Wednesday class. There’s a sub in Wednesday that is supposed to be a great teacher and I’d like to stick to at least a partial routine.

Just 2 more crazy crazy days then it will be time to relax with loved ones and reap the benefits of my hard work.

Off to bed, time to call for tuck in.

Too many apples 

a large part of yesterday was spent hauling massive amounts of apples around bklyn. 

I have a real aversion to wagons so I’d rather make 5 trips thank have everything crushed in a cart.

Female A stood me up and in hind site it was a good thing. I took those precious 2 hours and treated myself to a spa pedicure, my feet were horrible and really painful. I also managed to get my chores done, the finish work on my last 3 presents and even got the laundry done.

It was a day of vanilla accomplishments and I was out from 9am until 4… points I just walked around aimlessly, because I could. 

I tried in vain to get a tree.

The closest I came was a horrible little table top one and it really wasn’t worth the money.

If f isn’t around I may continue my search. I realized I waited too long. Plus I have not even one thing to put on it, oh wait, except the paddle(seen above) that little R surprised me with.

So it’s Christmas week and it’s all, work, yoga and last minute stuff.

Then Sir will come to visit.

Gotta get too much done

yesterday was a really social day.

The museam was fun and Sir would have hated it. After the three of us went for lunch. After much talking I’ve come to notice the jokes on l’s part are a coping mechanism. She seen many horrible things in his career and this is how he deals. Oddly they are really nice people. Just normal nice. I was surprised.

After that headed home.

Then out with old work husband. He was running late so I texted c to see what she was up to. The three of us met at a local bar. He was headed to hipsterville to “break dawn”. Lol, he begged and pleaded with me to join him. No can do! Plus I would ruin my budget if I did. Oh and I couldn’t say well I’m meeting up with female a today too. They fight, then they’re friends and so on.

So I promised….when the holidays are over …. We will go to hipsterville and hang. This should make sir happy. So his February visit I’ll have places I know to take him too.

Another busy day

hair to make brown instead of grey, the post office to fight with. Some places to stop and pick up the little things. I overslept, so laundry will wait until this evening. 

A trip to the morbid oddities museam. This is some weird thing I really have been looking forward to. Going with l and m. They are from a totally different group of kinksters than i normal hang with, but Sir said I can go and it’s not something he’s interested in.

I’ve been struggling trying to come up with a gift for my cousins 40th. If either of us had 2 cents to rub together we’d go away and celebrate both birthdays together, but alas, we have concured we are poor bitches.

So I think I’m going to see how it is and get her tickets to go back. This works on many levels as one, it makes sure she has to come visit me and two, she loves this creepy medical crap even more than I do. She works in an Er and sees some messed up things and then calls me because I’m the only one she knows that will take an interest.

It was with that or go the route of things she hates that I annoy her with. I almost rented her a clown! Turns out they are expensive and I don’t want to be that cruel. Blood and guts is nothing to her but clowns freak her out.

After that, a quite night of catching up with my first work husband. I feel bad as he’s still interviewing and hasn’t gotten a job yet. He’s tops on the list of people I need to see before the holidays. 

Well …. time to literally wash that grey right out of my hair.

Still not wet 

last night was edges from pain with the clovers on my clit and the Luna in for 5 minutes. It was good and relaxed me, but the wetness doesn’t last long.

Sir in his effort to reawaken my cunt brain left me directions for this morning to edge before work. It made me foggy, I ran late, almost got my atm card eaten by the machine. Then it crashed. Then I had to push my way through the Great Wall of china to get off the bus and the bus almost took off before I stepped out.

Plus the wetness didn’t last again.

I’ve spent the rest of the morning prepping for a meeting at 11, playing bills, making a budget, making lists. I’m looking at a list of all of the things I need to get and do before Christmas and i need an extra 10 hours each day.

Before I call him, edges in the bathroom, after my meeting so I can make sense when I talk.

I like friday, but this one is very go, go, go….after here stop three places, then take the dog for hopefully his last vet appointment for a while, over to C’s for dinner.

My lists include many nice things like a drink with this one, brunch with that one and so on. I made a list of people I’d like to see before the holidays and even the few kinky ones are falling into the vanilla friend catagory too.

This slave is a spaze

way too much going on and through all of this im really trying to work on my fears.

I woke up today to see pizza girl cancelled Saturday. Problem I see with that, flavia acted surprised and it’s still up on fet, so, the little voice of maybe it’s on and you just didn’t make the cut comes up.

See I envision the worst so I’m surprised with the best. I find if I picture the best the worst case usually happens.

On to less annoying things.

I gave little R the first part of her Christmas present. A snow globe that lights up and has sparkles and a nut cracker, she was like a little kid.

Last night instead of toys Sir had me edge with fingers in my cunt. No cramps to report. I don’t remember much, but I think he tried to get me to say something positive to earn a cum.

Then off to yoga, omg, that lady killed me. She had a really small class with only he experienced students so we were flying through sequence after sequence. She was so impressed that we were able to do two classes in one and still had time for yoga Nedra. Today I hurt and it feels like my hips are disconndcting from my body and my torso is going to fall through them and hit the ground.

Then back home again.

Sir said 20 edges with the hitachi then call. So about two minutes later I called, don’t remember much except he denied my orgasm. It wasn’t a punishment, since I have a real love/hate thing with denial.

I didn’t wake up particularly wet. Not that play wasn’t fun, it’s just my mind isn’t there yet.

Oh and then I’ve discovered the most unusual question you can ever ask a vanilla (I used this term loosely) what’s their sexual fantasy? You’d never believe some of the answers, talk about hard limits? The most schocking answer is I want a girl to fuck my brother as I watch. Not to sound judgy, (even though I’m totally about too), incest is kinda a moral, I don’t think I can do that and ever look in the mirror again thing. 

My mind is so fragmented today.

Oh and a quick thank you for the brainstorming session yesterday! Anon, it was super fun.

Side note…..when I was married my biggest fantasy was my profile meme 🙂


ever feel like Rose at the end of the world party?

I know one of my fellow bloggers that adores the doctor will know what I mean.

That’s the best way to describe how I am in new surroundings. 

It resounates when he asks, what if you lived?

I put my life on pause for many years. I had really lived once, then the stresses of conforming got to me. 

So now…. What happens if I live?

Oh plus there’s midgets! I love little people! 

No this is not a fetish, they just make me smile, like little kid crazy smile.

Sir said watch something lite, no girl drama, so the doctor is in.

What sir teaches me

in the beginning it was to not believe the slut shamers I’ve heard my whole life. Well that one took almost a year, but I think Ive gotten that.

Then it was to accept the way I’m wired and to explore it further, this is still an ongoing process.

He’s showed me how to shut my type a need for excellence down and turn it right back on again, through scenes and aftercare that extends way past his visits. This is in the form of all communications possible, except morse code and carrier pigeon.

I’m still working on learning some things….

Mainly my self confidence. I fake it sooooo well at work. No one there would know the stress I face meeting new people. 

Like I said in today’s earlier blog, I judged and I was wrong. I paint the worst picture of people before I meet them so that rejection won’t matter. I know I do this and I need to stop. 

So thank you for being an optimist and always looking at the glass half full when most times I see it as a glass about to be empty.