One more gift

its one I was sure I was going to give.

I have no idea what the tangible item will be…it’s not even important.

It’s that ….. I have to make things right. I’ve let my anger and fear seperate me from the only child that I could ever have even a small claim to.

Last night was the grooms birthday. We went to the dive bar, God it was bad. After an hour we went someplace better. The bride and I got to talking. Her by this time drunk and me sober. 

She had a long talk with her sister about him. He still asks for me. He’s at an age where he’s becoming someone. Lol, she said you’d laugh as he has a bit of an emo side to him. She told him I love him very much, but it hurts to see him because if that love. 

I remember the first time we had seperated, he was still a little kid. I hadn’t seen him for a couple of months and I was at target and ran into his whole family. I was thin, hungover and sick. I just started crying, I couldn’t stop. I missed him so much. When he saw me he smiled, ran over, hugged me and then cried too.

I’ve been selfish by staying away. I have to fix this.


what a weird yesterday.

There was good and bad.

Strange conversations. I’ll admit my cunt was wet most of the day. At some points it did go dry real quick, do to a couple of ewwww moments.

Again I will say, I really should unplug the hitachi. I woke up humping my bed like a madwoman, edging like crazy. 

Yes once again sleepy, horney me grabbed the hitachi, no clue how long I had been sleep fucking it, but I can say, my clit is numb.

Happy weekend, off to be domestic.

Weird mood solved. It’s all just my menstral cycle.


so I continue my conversation with the sub….

I watch the show…

They say how the girl was pregnant 

I go mentally back to the only time with exdom we had anything near after care.

The first time….7 hours into a scene… We are both crashing, we spoke of the shit that went wrong in the past, the funny stuff we remember….

Sir, it’s why I don’t like the beach.

He lives at the shore, he smelled of sex and the sea.

We spoke of how we were both deemed ” infertile”.

We joked that for sure I’d be pregnant because that was our luck.

Just a shitty kinda flashback

So a fear attached to all of his shit is my triedd and true method of getting over him
I self destruct, am I doing that again?

Please tell me?

Ha, Jessica jones

i love odd things, not always the marvel stuff. I must say Jessica jones is one of the ultimate stories of deranged D/s. Sir said watch it and the funniest moment just happened.

I messaginging with a sub and a switch, so both needing a domme.

I’m thinking of what had gone wrong with her. Problem one- a domme always wants ownership example o and yeah the other o. A switch can be nutural  until feelings develope, then they want ownership. Other problem, I’m a switch with women, so I get feelings and I want to own them, but I’m owned and… Boom recipe for destruction.

Got me thinking… What if I just find a sub girl to domme. My fear? What if that’s not enough? What if she sees im not as domme as she needs? What if she breaks my heart…again?

Or maybe it’s just the wine and my cunt talking?

Ha, funny addendum …

I forgot something…

Text to sir 

Oh I forgot to put in the blog as I was sending a text to I …. kill grave says “it feels good to be in control” then she electrocutes him, perfect timing.

Coffee apocalypse and other stuff

so in my haste to get out the door today, I poured my coffee then swiftly knocked it over. Lol more like it exploded, on the walls, in my pocket book….everywhere.

It bounced and covered me and everything in its way. The dogs looked at me with the”your in trouble look” and backed slowly away. For the next half an hour I tried to clean it up, but I’m certain I’ll be cleaning coffee spots for at least a week!

Ok, now that other stuff. Had drinks with bG last night. She filled me in on all the gossip and drama from the last party.

She also told me she’s been collecting play partners instead of trying to find a relationship. This is in big part due to her new obsession with rope. She had met many rope tops, but none of them want relationships. Or let me correct that, they do, but she’d be girl number 5. Bg is not girl number 5 material, she’s smart, independant and she has to be number one. So she said after the holidays she’s going to start dedicating  her time to finding a real relationship again and she won’t be attending that many parties. I think that’s not really true, because she really, really likes the rope stuff.

Then there’s mm. Her Dom is a nice, slightly dopey, very bored (he’s retired) guy. Sir and I met them for a drink and …. It was non eventful. Sir was not impressed but then he sent an message on fet that explained more of what he’s looking for for her. It has possibilities, she’s very shy. Her looks are plain, but plain can be made into pretty. With women in general id rather have a good hearted girl than a plastic bimbo(unless it’s a role play thing). 

Who knows what will happen there, but I will text her tonight to see if she has any substance. 

Happy Friday!

Too early for triggers

up early to get to the gym before work. 

This is an old routine for me and it works. I’m half awake and not alert enough to get distracted, it becomes as automatic as brushing your teeth in the morning.

I got up, fed the dogs, looked at my goal picture (curtesy of Sir) hanging on the fridge, dressed and headed out. 

Then it hit me, walking down the street in the dark to the gym, it was a flashback to when I did this over a year ago. I shrugged it off as best as I could and unlike a year ago the gym was busy. They lowered the price the beginning of the year and it lead to too many people. I miss the emptiness, but I’m happy to have the extra cash to put towards my other yoga membership.

So now I’m at work and my mood is a little shitty. 

Oh I’ll explain, my morning gym routine started to escape and piss off my exhusband. He felt it was unsafe for me to be leaving the house at 5:30, but he worked overnights, so I would lie and say I was only going afterwork and go 2 times. Then when I changed jobs and gyms I worked out as a way to please my exdom. Not that he said it, but he played very hard and I needed to be strong physically to take it. Lol, turns out I wasn’t strong enough.

So that’s where I got all weirded out today. Good side, I kept saying over and over, I am now doing this for me, not for spite, not because I can’t sleep, not even for Sir, but to make me feel better, to love me.

I got through it, but my heads a little crappy still.

Weird moods 

after work we went out to celebrate little R’s birthday. It was not a long celebration as Sir did not go home yesterday. He woke up not feeling great and the weather has been rainy and dreary.

Three of us came back to my house and hung out a little. My mood had been off most of the day. The blah meter was holding at a steady 4. My little female dog has a stomach bug and constantly cleaning up after her with company around sent the steady four to a six.

When they left Sir was in a similar mood. He at his computer me 10 feet away on the couch. It was fine since we both kind of wanted to be alone, yet together.

I also felt bad because I buy just enough food and supplies for his visit. So when he stays longer, the reserves are nill. Luckily he likes pizza.

I thought I would wake up and say…. Yes, that it why I was in a crapy mood, but nope, no lightbulb.

Bye Sir

lol, sorry I blinded you this morning, but normally you sleep through the light, blow dryer and entire morning routine. 

Thank you for the hug and kiss goodbye.

After the adventure of getting out the door, this day is turning around. Little R got me coffee and it was waiting on my desk. She loved her birthday gift, bag included. She modeled it around the office.

I spoke with c and she’s so happy that I’m going to be with her on Monday. She also had a surprise for me, she never cancelled the Puerto Rico trip!!! We have until a week before to cancel and get a refund with the insurance. So we are going to wait to see how mom is doing before any final decision.

I really don’t even care that I didn’t drop the 15 pounds to get back into a bikini, I just want to have my feet in the sand again.

Hope you have a good,quick and safe trip home. Big hugs

Happy tuesday