Why everyone needs a vacation

The first couple of days I was still wound pretty tightly from the stress of life, work and the pending divorce. So I did what I knew would help, I had a glass of wine. Not the best coping mechanism, but I was in paradise and not enjoying it the way I should. The glass turned into the bottle and the confession to C. She was really ok with it, the next morning all she said was I love you and left it there. On the last day I asked her if I said anything else, thinking I went into the whole kinky story and she said nope, just that I had pulled away from her because of that… and I had.  We also had a long talk about her husband and his kinks and I told her straight out “you need to get over things and move on”.  I hope she does and if not I’ll still be here supporting here and cheering her on.

During my drunkenness I thought I had a fight with Sir, turned out to be a text to an old friend that was a real shithead. She had bad timing and I (instead of ignoring her, like I have for the past year) told her what I thought of her. So one less asshole to deal with.

But….back to the point of this entry…..After I started to unwind the oddest thing happened. I got paranoid and started to feel guilty. Like….I should be worried more and I shouldn’t be so relaxed, then I started to pick apart every little thing in my life and really went into overthinking mode. Not good at all.

Luckily that only lasted a day.

I was thinking I need a plan….I’ve always had a 5 year plan and now….nothing. So in 3 years C and I agreed for her 50th no matter what we are going to Cuba. Inspired by the tour of the Bacardi factory and the amazing pictures of the 20’s and 30’s Cuba. Now the issue is what about the rest??? I go in tomorrow and I let them decide, either give me a raise and promotion …or I start looking elsewhere. The way things are now I just make my bills with little to spare and when I start paying for health insurance I’m going to be left with nothing. I also started thinking about Sir and I and wondering if we have any future. Wondering….”how does he really feel about me?” I had shut off emotions for so long that I din’t want anyone to care about me. I know he does as his communication and worry for my well being is evident, but is that enough? Hard fucking questions to ponder. What if one year I decide I need more, I need to be told that other 4 letter word, or what if….well, there’s a shit ton of what if’s.

We toured…the mountains, the beaches, the historical sites and took beautiful pictures and had enough rum to be considered pirates. The weather had forecasted our last day there was to be “delightful”. Our flight was a red-eye so we could have the entire last day. It did not disappoint. There was a natural lagoon that you could see from the balcony and the water was too cold the whole time, except that one last day. We spent the whole day swimming and talking to people from all over the world. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned, C is like Sir in the way, they will talk to people and can make friends easily. Case in point the young Asian guy on the plane. He was flying in for a wedding and had an absolute melt down on the flight. We even met up before he went home and had dinner. Also her friend flew in from Chicago, she had met him there last year and have stayed in touch. All platonic, she just really likes people, except for herself.

By the time I returned home at 6:30 am I was so glad to be back. I had a great time and really am much less stressed out.

The reason I needed this vacation is when I woke up the next day, I was grateful. Grateful for the things I have, the place I live, the two crazy little dogs that missed me so much. I (for the first time) got up and cleaned with heart. I know that sounds weird, but since I moved in, I’ve put very little effort into this place. I stopped caring, about just about everything. I was just going through the motions. After the best shower ever (the shower in the condo was like what I imagine getting a golden shower from a 100 year old man would be like). I got all ready and went out to do a couple of errands. I can not explain how good it felt to be here….in that moment, not thinking about all of the what-if’s.

Sir asked why I had initially thought he wouldn’t like the idea of my vacation and ….I really don’t know. I’m still working out that answer, but he was right, it was really the best thing I could have done. I don;t know how much longer I could have continued as stressed as I was.

For the next couple of hours I’m going to work on finishing a gift for a friend and try not to think of going back to reality in the morning.

 

 

 

Home

not in the mind space to write, but I realize I needed to walk away, leave, to appricate all that I have at home.

I’m home

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/02/20-signs-youre-doing-better-than-you-think-you-are/?refinery

Mid vacation

its been beaches and mojitos for days….but my body said STOP. Lol, so today I’ve been lazy and In between my frantic runs to the bath room I’ve been reading and thinking.

When we first got here, it’s really an amazing paradise, but the condo is secure. It has been nicknamed our trip to Guantanamo bay, due to the barbed wire fences.

I haven’t been alone to talk to Sir, but after much internal dialogue, I told my best friend im bi and kinky. The bottle of wine helped. She took it well and we havent mentioned it since.

Her friend flew in from Chicago and we toured the mountains, beaches and historic bits of the island. He’s getting ready now to return home and im a little worried about the questions I know she’s been wanted to ask for the past couple of days.

I’ve also been deep in thought about a new 5 year plan…. More on that another time

She’s in her way

5 years 

That’s how long since I’ve gone on vacation.

It was a cruise with my mom. Planned when ex husband and I were apart the first time and I went right as were started trying again, pre fertility treatments.

Ur was fun and relaxing. We both liked each other on that vacation.

Now a different person in many aspects, I get ready to get on a plane in time to escape a blizzard.

C and I need this as our stress levels have hit epic proportions.

When she first came up with this idea, I remember being afraid Sir would say no. That was about 7 months ago. I was wrong, he couldn’t be happier for me.

It will be weird not talking and texting as we do, I’ll miss it.  One of the things that makes our relationship different is he wants me to have a life, not just exist. Too be happy and he knows this is what I need at this moment.

So if I don’t post, it’s because I’m sipping matgaritas on the beach!! Plus I didn’t bother to see if there’s wifi!

No time to write

last work day. This time tomorrow I will be headed to the beach, escaping a snow storm and thinking of nothing but landing and getting me ass in the sand! 

So enjoy, laugh and stay warm!!

    
    
    
   

You were right?

those words I have in text proof from my mother.

She said I never text her back. She and Sir are about the only people I do text immediately. I know if not she will stalk my life.

This morning she must have sent me a message and gotten no response, then checked it and realized she has been texting a landline!!!

See I told her.

So she stated “you were right, every time I text your cell you do text or call right away.”

Today was a day of little victories such as that. A day I was actually acknowledged for the things I do….and it felt good.

One more work day, then off to the beach for this slave

A day with my fucking mother

As I’ve said I really think she’s losing her mind and yesterday was just further conformation of it.

I get into the car and she starts talking about the storm coming in. I tell her the good news that we changed our flight and C and I will be leaving hours prior to the storm hitting. I tell her Little R will come during the week to take care of the dogs and that she won’t need to go there until Saturday morning. She then says give me your supers number so if the weather is bad she can feed them. I turn to her and say, my super is not watching them. I just told you the plan. Her boyfriend had said if the weather is bad he would take her to feed them since he has a large truck. She said why can’t the super, I don’t know maybe because you and R will have my keys? didn’t you hear what I just said. Honestly I don’t know the super well enough and I’d have to pay her. Considering C paid for this trip and I’m going with less spending money that I thought I would thanks to ex-shit head, that’s not going to happen. I talk and she hears what she wants. I asked her politely, please listen and told her again about her, little r and the keys. She said “how does your super not have a key? OMFG…..really, because I have a new lock and just cause she’s the super, she doesn’t have anyone’s keys, it’s not a fucking hotel!

In the craft store….she has a coat with snaps and they are old so every time she sits down they pop, think how a tin of dinner rolls pops. LOL, it’s funny and true. So we are in the sewing isle and she says what about one of those closures like on your dress, so I say ok a hook and eye. She says I don’t know what they are called, I say I just told you….then she says another method and I tell her the name and another and each time she rudely questions me. I tell her that there was no question mark at the end of my statement and that I was telling her the names, not guessing. This is something nana did in the early days before she was diagnosed and it kind of disguises it self as being a confrontation personality. My mother is many things but she knows very well nana taught me to sew and when it comes to closures I do know what I’m saying.

Then we go up to the register. She picked up a box of yarn earlier in the week and it was short by more than half. The customer service supervisor was extremely helpful and had the store pull the rest of the order, minus a couple of things they didn’t have. So knowing yarn, I knew they would not have looked at the batch number. When you have multiple balls of yarn, they all have to be the same batch or you will have slight differences in color quality. So I check them and I tell the girl that none of them matched. She go the manager who actually knew what I was talking about and send a woman to go correct it.

I could have just had my mother pick it up and saved myself the trip to another boro, but it would have ended in a fight. She was bitching the whole time at the register. I told her you just need to be patient. “You really expect this girl at the register to know all of the products?”

I stopped her from causing a scene and we left, with an extra pair of needles and 6 rolls light. Time to call the supervisor tomorrow. I’m not worried and I’m secure they will fix it.

Then she goes on about my ex husband. We had to pick up the tax slips from my aunt. I tell her don’t worry I have a plan. Then she starts on I need to put this behind me and move on. I deserve someone to take care of me, someone to (and I shit you not) get a beach house with…..really life and security is a fucking beach house. At this point I tell her I don’t need anyone to pay my way. I make ends meet and financially I take care of myself.

Back at my house she asks if I’m still seeing Sir and I say yes. She asks are you exclusive and I say no. I figure it’s the easy way to explain it to her. She asks if I’m ok with him seeing other people and I say he doesn’t, but we both can. The look was of horror, “so your seeing other people?” I say”no”.

At this point I wanted to scream in her face that I’m not discussing my relationships because if I do she will not like what she hears.

It brought me back to a conversation she had with my aunt when I was a child. That if I grew up and was gay she would cry for me, she would love me no less but life is hard enough without that stigma attached. One day I’ll tell her that I’m bi, just not today.

I told her when the divorce is finial my stress will be less and not to worry I always take care of me, better than any man has. All she thinks all I need to find someone my equal and someone that will financially support me.

By the time she left I was worse off then this morning, drop seemed like nothing compared to dealing with my mother.

After writing this I realize…. Im very afraid of loosing her. It would be worse than the death of a parent (I’ve been though that before) it would be more like…. Loosing a child.

Sleep

Ever drop in your sleep?

I had dreams of my asshole ex and work.

I often wonder why I have such a postponed drop. On Saturday night each scene I had there was aftercare, I was not in anyway…….neglected as a submissive, yet a couple of days later I get sad.

I don’t get the OMG, what did I do, so much as I get tired.

When I say I’m tired to Sir he looks at sleep and diet and stress and all of the normal things that will cause “tired”. This isn’t always a physical thing for me, so much as more a mental issue. When I’m too social, my brain says stop…..relax.

This weekend I’ve talked to so many people that I feel almost unable to form words today. I should be better than this as it’s a holiday and I’m off and not trapped in my cubicle dealing with idiots. Instead I’m having trouble motivating myself to do the simplest thing, like pack for vacation.

I’ve been up for hours and just laid in bed, but I guess it’s time to stop the mopping and get things done.

Yesterday I met a new girl from SLS, she’s D/s and I wish i wasn’t so shallow because personality wise she’s a 10, but that’s kind of where it stops because oddly she looks like my mom’s cousin and it totally freaked me out!

After n and I had a few hours of chatting and general husband bashing, work bashing and laughing. It was what we both needed. Play partners, I don’t think we will ever be, but out of everyone I’ve met, she’s a real true friend. I told her all about Saturday and with her husband leaving the country soon, she is super excited to go out with me one night. She liked the idea of so many rules and that they have security. She has an adventurous soul, but she’s super new and a little scared.

Although she has had many threesomes, she is pretty light on experiences and prefers that no cocks out is a rule. So at some point this spring I will be writing about N and her first fetish party……I only hope she has fun.

Gotta pack ;(

Kick’n it Ole Skool -part 2

….but first a few random thoughts.

Why did you get a blow out and do a club like smoky eye for yoga class (girl that speaks no English at the gym)?

Why is it that 90% of Chinese women near me start dressing like Dommes when winter comes (all of the people I see on my way to work in very shiny pants)?

Does they girl in  pound really want me to rim her (because she has no idea what personal space is when she bends over)?

back to the story.

L introduces me to this black guy with really long dreds that had just finished a scene with M. We talk about my upcoming vacation and he asked if I do Bikram yoga because he noticed that when I bent over, if I liked what is being done to me I arch into a back-bend. I didn’t know I did that, but I can believe it.

He then he said he was part of the leather family, so check, another irrational fear tackled. He had a nice spanking rhythm and he did  a massage/chiropractic adjustment on M. So who am I to pass up a back adjustment and spanking? Unfortunately like the FWB of the spanker, he kind of …. I can’t really describe it, but he was just a little to complimentary of my body and I really don’t take compliments well and with the extra weight, I tend to think of it as just bullshit to try to get into my pants. He asked if he could friend me on fet and I told him I’d have to ask Sir. He was polite about it, but I get a weirder out when other men start to show interest in me.  I guess I got spoiled with Fet girls Dom and his ability to just give me a good spanking, tell me I’m a good girl and send me on my way.

About that time I started to get a bit uneasy that I had too much interest coming from single men and that I was doing something wrong because Sir was not there, even though I new I had his permission to be out. I would have felt better if there were more females there.

oops missed a part…..the slave auction.

It was all very fun and light hearted. There were rules and all slaves were assisted with DM’s to monitor the scene after negations. most were men….Most got pity bids, except for gladiator boy. He was females only, switch into bondage and impact play. Nice to get to know how everyone identifies, because I never saw him as anything but Dom. There was also an older guy that was females only, rope expert and escape artist. His schitck was to teach a female to tie and then escape the bondage. I also bidded on him just to learn a bit of rope, but I was holding out hope of all least one Domme or cute Subbie girl. When you came in you for 50 grand in tickets, by the time the auction started I had over 300,000. They saved the 2 girls for last. the first one a little chubby, super new and really not my type. so I passed. Due to being vertically challenged, I could not see to the front where everyone was and I didn’t know there was only 2 girls. The second was one of the paid “hostesses” She was cute but had the air of bitchiness about her. She knew she was in the “best for last place” and the super competitive bitch in me almost called Sir asking if I could go on the block, just to show her I could get more cash, mainly because I wouldn’t ask for a tip or expect one after! That thought passed really quick because I was in too good of a mood to let the petty girl in me get carried away. She ended up going for 500,000 and really fast, so I never even got my bid in.

It was fun and I would totally do it again. M even got herself a nice cross dressing boy to spank.

The night ended with me L, m and Indian fluffy haired guy in a dark alcove doing some tit torture to M. She giggles if you hit then and then I remembered I had the pocket rocket. So we blindfold her and she really liked the vibrator on her nipples, she went into a fit of giggles. At one point I had to call fluffy haired guy to stand next to me due to and influx of creepers being rude-as-fuck and trying to touch her. I hit one of the on the hand with the crop and told him if he does it again I’m calling a dm. That was the only time that anyone stepped out of line.

In the beginning of the night L took out the vampire gloves…..oh how I love the gloves. He had told me in the restaurant he uses a really good safe word and it worked rather well. It was, if you want me to stop, give me the middle finger. So with just a little bit of the gloves, he got both fingers, damn the lack of cell service!!!!

All in all it was a good, fun and relaxing night. Sir said he was glad that I sounded so much better on the phone and that I had a fun time. He was trying to come up, even just for one night, but the schedule didn’t work. I think he would have rather enjoyed the nostalgic aspect and hearing me laugh again.

When I got home, I went in and got the pups, introduced them to m and L. Sir and I talked for an hour and somehow I went to sleep at 4 and still made it to my yoga class this morning.