The first couple of days I was still wound pretty tightly from the stress of life, work and the pending divorce. So I did what I knew would help, I had a glass of wine. Not the best coping mechanism, but I was in paradise and not enjoying it the way I should. The glass turned into the bottle and the confession to C. She was really ok with it, the next morning all she said was I love you and left it there. On the last day I asked her if I said anything else, thinking I went into the whole kinky story and she said nope, just that I had pulled away from her because of that… and I had. We also had a long talk about her husband and his kinks and I told her straight out “you need to get over things and move on”. I hope she does and if not I’ll still be here supporting here and cheering her on.
During my drunkenness I thought I had a fight with Sir, turned out to be a text to an old friend that was a real shithead. She had bad timing and I (instead of ignoring her, like I have for the past year) told her what I thought of her. So one less asshole to deal with.
But….back to the point of this entry…..After I started to unwind the oddest thing happened. I got paranoid and started to feel guilty. Like….I should be worried more and I shouldn’t be so relaxed, then I started to pick apart every little thing in my life and really went into overthinking mode. Not good at all.
Luckily that only lasted a day.
I was thinking I need a plan….I’ve always had a 5 year plan and now….nothing. So in 3 years C and I agreed for her 50th no matter what we are going to Cuba. Inspired by the tour of the Bacardi factory and the amazing pictures of the 20’s and 30’s Cuba. Now the issue is what about the rest??? I go in tomorrow and I let them decide, either give me a raise and promotion …or I start looking elsewhere. The way things are now I just make my bills with little to spare and when I start paying for health insurance I’m going to be left with nothing. I also started thinking about Sir and I and wondering if we have any future. Wondering….”how does he really feel about me?” I had shut off emotions for so long that I din’t want anyone to care about me. I know he does as his communication and worry for my well being is evident, but is that enough? Hard fucking questions to ponder. What if one year I decide I need more, I need to be told that other 4 letter word, or what if….well, there’s a shit ton of what if’s.
We toured…the mountains, the beaches, the historical sites and took beautiful pictures and had enough rum to be considered pirates. The weather had forecasted our last day there was to be “delightful”. Our flight was a red-eye so we could have the entire last day. It did not disappoint. There was a natural lagoon that you could see from the balcony and the water was too cold the whole time, except that one last day. We spent the whole day swimming and talking to people from all over the world. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned, C is like Sir in the way, they will talk to people and can make friends easily. Case in point the young Asian guy on the plane. He was flying in for a wedding and had an absolute melt down on the flight. We even met up before he went home and had dinner. Also her friend flew in from Chicago, she had met him there last year and have stayed in touch. All platonic, she just really likes people, except for herself.
By the time I returned home at 6:30 am I was so glad to be back. I had a great time and really am much less stressed out.
The reason I needed this vacation is when I woke up the next day, I was grateful. Grateful for the things I have, the place I live, the two crazy little dogs that missed me so much. I (for the first time) got up and cleaned with heart. I know that sounds weird, but since I moved in, I’ve put very little effort into this place. I stopped caring, about just about everything. I was just going through the motions. After the best shower ever (the shower in the condo was like what I imagine getting a golden shower from a 100 year old man would be like). I got all ready and went out to do a couple of errands. I can not explain how good it felt to be here….in that moment, not thinking about all of the what-if’s.
Sir asked why I had initially thought he wouldn’t like the idea of my vacation and ….I really don’t know. I’m still working out that answer, but he was right, it was really the best thing I could have done. I don;t know how much longer I could have continued as stressed as I was.
For the next couple of hours I’m going to work on finishing a gift for a friend and try not to think of going back to reality in the morning.